Page 3 | …to ask when Mother’s / Father’s Day becomes less about your parents and more about you (as parents)?

TellMeStraightpls · 2021-06-10T21:39:02+00:00

Just that really. Does it transfer when you become a parent, does it take a bit longer? If you are the older, retired parent, would you expect your children with children to prioritise you over their ‘day’ with their family? Thank you.

Laiste · 11/06/2021 11:34

@Fe2O3Girl

In most families it’s not practical for “all the mums” to get together. If I met with my mum do I include my MIL? If my MIL is included then my SIL must be too. But she has her own MIL and SIL...

So should we split my own family and my husband sees his mother? Which grandmother gets to see the grandchildren?

Unless you have a very small family someone will not be able to see their own mother or their own children.

I was thinking that - but couldn't put it simply. You have - well done

Fe2O3Girl · 11/06/2021 11:37

@Averyyounggrandmaofsix

This is why restaurants exist so no mums have to cook on Mother's Day

It’s not just about cooking. I wouldn’t consider going to an overcrowded restaurant a treat.

thecatsthecats · 11/06/2021 11:38

In most families it’s not practical for “all the mums” to get together. If I met with my mum do I include my MIL? If my MIL is included then my SIL must be too. But she has her own MIL and SIL...

Exactly. I get on well with my MIL, but my husband actively warned me that she basically would love for everything to revolve around her family, and I have no investment in joining her cousins get together each MD when I have kids.

(all her husband's events revolved around her family too, she pushed his family out, and she was openly pleased at her own MIL's funeral - I think she twigged early on though that I wouldn't play ball, so aimed for a compromise!)

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 11/06/2021 11:38

I expect my son to prioritise his wife on Mothers Day. He usually comes to see me later in the day, and his wife visits her mother.

theleafandnotthetree · 11/06/2021 11:45

Much ado about nothing as far as I'm concerned. I havent seen my own mother on mothers day since I was a teenager I reckon or if I did it was coincidental (I do send a card, big of me isn't it!). I'm sure I made a bigger fuss when I was a child. From my own children, I expect a home made card, a little tiny present would be nice. I have zero interest in these things, it is really to encourage them to for one day prioritise someone else. They do so little around here compared to what I did for my mother at their age, acknowledging me as their mother and all I do for them is kind of a minimum. I encourage them strongly to do the same for their Dad (we're seperated).

WaterBottle123 · 11/06/2021 11:47

Weird thread. It's a made up church holiday. No one needs royal treatment or a special day. That's what individual birthdays are for. The day is intensely painful for widowers, those who have lost their mums, those doing IVF etc.

Boycott and be nice all year round, like I said it's church/capitalist nonsense.

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 11/06/2021 11:54

WaterBottle123 to some extent I agree with you. It is an intensely painful time for a lot of people. I absolutely hate the 'all women over 18 will be given flowers' that prevails in our church, but if people want to celebrate isn't it their choice?

EmilyDickinson · 11/06/2021 11:56

I think Mother’s Day should evoke and adapt as your circumstances change. When your children are babies it is about your partner stepping up and giving you as relaxing a day as possible, a nice gift from them on behalf of the baby is welcome. When you have primary school age children it’s all about home made cards and slightly strange gifts they’ve chosen themselves. In secondary school they should progress to making a meal or a cake and remembering to mark the day without prompts from other people. Once the children have left home, gifts, cards, phone calls that show they appreciate you are great. Once they have their own children then I think the day should be about what they/their partner needs. Bringing up children can be exhausting, as a new mum a day when everything is (or should be) about you getting a break is precious

Shoppingwithmother · 11/06/2021 11:57

As soon as we had a child! But then we don’t exactly make a big deal about it - I wouldn’t have gone out for lunch/visiting my parents, before and we don’t go out now!

Laiste · 11/06/2021 12:04

No one needs royal treatment or a special day.

I do!

I love mothers day - youngest DD loves to make a card ect. Bring me a bit of burnt toast in bed. It's sweet.

DH loves father's day. Same reasons.

On a more serious note: DH hasn't lost either of his parents so sadness doesn't occur to him, but my father died about 7 years ago and i do have a pang of sadness on F day, and I always mentally wish my dear dad a happy day. I don't want fathers day banned because of it though.

Mulhollandmagoo · 11/06/2021 12:06

@TellMeStraightpls

Our DC are all pre teen / early teen, so we are ‘established’ parents! DH works very long hours and I feel that his parenthood should now take precedence over his Father’s. Am I wrong?

Not wrong at all, reading these comments I realise how lucky I am.

My dad and my FIL are both very low key no fuss kind of people, we always get them gifts and cards, but they're both happy being left in peace to potter and do their own thing so we usually pop in the day before fathers day for a cuppa and to drop of gifts.

My MIL is sadly no longer with us, but my mum is very keen for me to spend mothers day with my own children so again we see her on the day before mothers day, I think this stems from her being like lots of posters on this thread and mothers day was always about her mum and she used to run herself ragged making sure she had a good day rather than spending the day with me and my brother.

Original poster

TellMeStraightpls · 11/06/2021 12:12

MIL is putting pressure on us to make the hour trip to their house for Father’s Day. No thought for DH being a Dad, no thought for my side of the family. I feel that this is DH’s day and he should get to spend it how he wishes - at home, with our DC. It’s not even as if FIL bothers with us any other time. I still make sure presents and cards are distributed and phone calls made etc.

OP posts:

DappledThings · 11/06/2021 12:14

Don't really have a shift to make. I get my mum a card on Mothering Sunday (and make sure it's a MS one not a M's Day one!) and get the DC to make one for DH. He does the same for both his parents and for me.

Never made any other fuss about it.

I don't do a F's Day card for my dad becuase he made it clear some years ago that he considered it a mawkish modern invention. Unlike Mothering Sunday which is older.

Justcallmebebes · 11/06/2021 12:16

I'm a mother and grandmother and Mother's day for our family is everyone together and everyone is happy (I hope 😁)

Original poster

TellMeStraightpls · 11/06/2021 12:16

@TerritorialPissings

My mum really hates having a fuss made of her, and I’m the same, so whilst this isn’t an issue for me (aside from the fact my MIL is the most self-important person I know, who loves the fuss), if I look at it objectively, I think it should really be about the person who is going through the “intense parenting” stage, who have children living at home; they’re the ones who most deserve a bit of a special day.

“Intense parenting stage, with children living at home”. Yes! This is how I feel!

Funnily enough, I’m not that precious about Mother’s Day, but I am about DHs Father’s Day!

OP posts:

Original poster

TellMeStraightpls · 11/06/2021 12:20

@Justcallmebebes

I'm a mother and grandmother and Mother's day for our family is everyone together and everyone is happy (I hope 😁)

That’s lovely, but then I agree with PP too -

In most families it’s not practical for “all the mums” to get together. If I met with my mum do I include my MIL? If my MIL is included then my SIL must be too. But she has her own MIL and SIL...

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2021 12:29

The problems are caused by people making such a fuss about it in the first place. A small token of appreciation, a card and, from younger children, a promise of no fighting or yelling "MUUUUM!!!" every 30 seconds should be enough.

If who think it should be all about you, do you think that being a parent ends when your children become parents? Do you not appreciate your parents anymore? Personally I appreciate my parents more now that I'm a parent myself!

Checkingout811 · 11/06/2021 12:33

We always used to go to a restaurant with my parents and my in laws, so all the mothers get a lovely day.
Covid stopped that but we had a meal at our house with my parents this year.

Castlepeak · 11/06/2021 12:43

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day primarily focus on the people actively parenting children. Mother’s and fathers who have been promoted to grandparent should be acknowledged, but they are not the center of the day.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 11/06/2021 12:58

@Castlepeak

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day primarily focus on the people actively parenting children. Mother’s and fathers who have been promoted to grandparent should be acknowledged, but they are not the center of the day.

That is nothing more than personal opinion!

Both are nothing more than Hallmark Days. Mother's Day was specific religious festival in days gone by, but that is no longer the case. And yes I did mean Mother's and not Mothers', because it related to the church.

Blossomtoes · 11/06/2021 13:03

@TellMeStraightpls

I find it perplexing and very sad that our parents can’t see that they had their Mother’s and Father’s Days for many years when their children were younger and now their children (especially in their 30s and 40s) are parents themselves and may wish to spend that one day with their, now, immediate family.

Why can’t you do both? My boy used to take me and my mum out for tea on Mothers’ Day.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 11/06/2021 13:06

Yeah, my mum makes a fuss over mothers and fathers day, the older she gets the more difficult she is about it.

By the time fathers day comes around we'll have had meals out 3 weekends on a row, and then its a family birthday tge weekend after too, its very difficult trying to please everyone.

Shd also has no consideration for my brothers wife's parents.

AngeloMysterioso · 11/06/2021 13:33

What's odd though, is that neither sets of my grandparents behaved like that, so it's not like my mum and dad missed out on opportunities when my brother and I were growing up, so now think it's their turn, we saw very little of the GP's so they've had Christmas/fathers/Mother's Day all about them when we were little and now we have our own children it's still all about them.

Same here- I don’t remember spending one single Mother’s Day with my Grandma growing up, so my Mum has no reason to assume she’ll still be front and centre now I have my own DC. But she still expects it.

BusyLizzie61 · 11/06/2021 13:38

@TellMeStraightpls

I find it perplexing and very sad that our parents can’t see that they had their Mother’s and Father’s Days for many years when their children were younger and now their children (especially in their 30s and 40s) are parents themselves and may wish to spend that one day with their, now, immediate family.

Why can't you do both?

Let's face it, it's not that big a deal like Christmas, so after breakfast etc, is it really so hard to say spend an hour or so popping over or them to you, or lunch or dinner or shock horror a day out TOGETHER?

Surely the point of the day is about celebrating family? Yet you feel that now you too are parents they're obsolete and stop being parebts themselves and family, in effect?

BusyLizzie61 · 11/06/2021 13:40

@Castlepeak

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day primarily focus on the people actively parenting children. Mother’s and fathers who have been promoted to grandparent should be acknowledged, but they are not the center of the day.

Surely actually, that promotion means they get to centre on the parents day and indeed on a grandparents day, if you're going to be behaving like that?