Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To encourage my Mum to 'cheat' on my Dad?

63 replies

InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 21:31

I know, the title is incendiary but hear me out.

Mum and Dad have been married 47 years. 19 years ago, at the age of 48, my Dad was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's. He's been at home this entire time, Mum is his full time carer. It's been an incredibly hard few years. He's now completely bedridden, doubly incontinent, choking risk, like a small child. Heartbreaking for all of us. Understandably, they haven't been intimate since soon after his diagnosis.

Her life not only revolves around him, but around the subject of Alzheimer's and dementia. All their friends have slowly drifted away and she only socialises with people in similar circumstances - support groups etc...

Four years ago, she got friendly with a chap in the group whose wife had recently died. It was all about board, offering help and someone to chat to/have a coffee with.

Well, you can guess what happened. A friendship has blossomed into something more and he's asked her out on a date. She now feels completely torn and has confided in me. I've told her she should do whatever makes her happy but she feels like she might be judged by people. I can't labour the point enough, my Mum has devoted her life to my Dad since his diagnosis. I believe he's only still here and alive because of her.

But, 19 years on, I also believe she deserves some happiness. I want to encourage her to go for it but I'm also aware that this is technically adultery.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Cbd333 · 10/06/2021 21:35

Such a heartbreaking situation, I really feel for you all.

Do you think your dad's would give his blessing? If it was my mum I would encourage her to go as she deserves happiness, however it would be worth having a conversation with her about how she might feel afterwards - would she feel eaten up by guilt? Do you think she would be able to cope?

JudgeRindersMinder · 10/06/2021 21:35

I’ve been in your position but it was my mum with Alzheimer’s. We didn’t have an issue with my dad seeing someone.

Oversize · 10/06/2021 21:35

I would tell her you'd be pleased if she dated this man but then leave it to your DM to decide. You don't know the workings of her heart in this.

Feetupteashot · 10/06/2021 21:37

Sounds like a thought 19y. I wonder if she would go on the date but worries you would judge her. Sounds like you've been very fair, maybe she is still worried and you could explain clearly that she has your sympathy and wouldn't judge or hold it against her to go ahead, if that's what you feel

Feetupteashot · 10/06/2021 21:37

**Tough 19y

Original poster
InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 21:37

@JudgeRindersMinder

I’ve been in your position but it was my mum with Alzheimer’s. We didn’t have an issue with my dad seeing someone.
Thank you, that really helps. Even the breeziness in your comment helps. I think we're both overthinking it.
OP posts:
Original poster
InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 21:39

I just want to say "bloody go for it Mum, no one cares, I don't care" but I don't want her to feel like I'm forcing her. But like some of you have said, maybe she's waiting for me to almost give her permission??

OP posts:
Mumnets · 10/06/2021 21:39

If she’s not able to have a functioning adult relationship with your dad, I wouldn’t class her having another intimate relationship as cheating.

It sounds like she’s a wonderful wife to her husband in years gone by and she fully deserves some happiness herself, rather than facing the drudgery of being a carer

colouringindoors · 10/06/2021 21:41

That's tough. I'd tell her you'd be happy for her if she went on the date but it's totally her call.

Original poster
InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 21:41

@Mumnets

If she’s not able to have a functioning adult relationship with your dad, I wouldn’t class her having another intimate relationship as cheating.

It sounds like she’s a wonderful wife to her husband in years gone by and she fully deserves some happiness herself, rather than facing the drudgery of being a carer

That's my thinking. There has been nothing, no intimacy, no kissing, for almost 20 years. Plenty of affection still in the early days but he doesn't even have the ability to hug her now. I know I couldn't say goodbye to all of that at the age of 48.
OP posts:
Sally872 · 10/06/2021 21:43

I would reassure my mum I would be pleased for her if she dates this friend. I think that is showing your ok about it but not making the decision for her.

DrSbaitso · 10/06/2021 21:43

She would be doing nothing wrong in my eyes.

justinhawkinsnavalfluff · 10/06/2021 21:44

What a sad situation. Your Mum should absolutely go for it if she wants to. She sounds like an amazing woman.

LordFoofingtonismyMaster · 10/06/2021 21:45

My mil is in this situation. Dh and I and some of his siblings would be so happy for her to have someone but she never will while fil is still alive. Some of dh's siblings are likely to react badly and mil is the type to worry about others opinions, a lot! Fil is in a home now and he is but a shell and has been for years. He has far exceeded his life expectancy at the time of diagnosis. It's so sad for all involved. I think you're wonderful to be so understanding.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 21:46

I agree with PP, let her know you support her either way.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 10/06/2021 21:50

It might sound harsh, but I would say that the husband that she had is gone, dead even, and has been for some time. She's been a wonderful wife to him, but he has not been capable of being a husband to her, for many years, and it sounds like he is well past being capable of being aware or hurt that she is seeing someone.

Anything that nurtures her, that gives her the ability to keep going and to keep caring for your DF, is a net good for her and for him, in my book.

mediumbrownmug · 10/06/2021 21:51

Your mother sounds very caring and lovely, as do you! I personally wouldn’t get involved beyond letting her know you have zero problem with it, mainly because (as others have mentioned) some people might be eaten up by guilt, shame, etc. afterwards and I would want her to feel like it was totally her decision. Grief is a complex emotion, and it needs respecting. Flowers

user1471453601 · 10/06/2021 21:55

I have a friend who was married to a man who has a serious brain injury following a traffic accident. After a few years of caring for her husband, she started an affair.

I'm my view, it was the affair that kept her sane.

Id tell your mum to go ahead, with your blessing, if it's the blessing she needs. She's been exceptionally honest with you, I don't think I'd ask for permission.

RAOK · 10/06/2021 21:56

You sound like an amazing daughter and your mum simply remarkable. I hope she can find happiness with this gentleman and who cares what anyone else thinks quite frankly.

Craftycorvid · 10/06/2021 21:57

I want to give her a big hug, tell her to go on that date and to allow no guilt whatsoever.

MyMabel · 10/06/2021 22:00

If your mum had mentioned it, or wanted to. I wouldn’t be disappointed.

But I also would encourage it either. They are married, in sickness and in health, til’ death do they part. - marriage is a promise to be devoted to each other until the end. She doesn’t want to divorce her husband, it’s an unfortunate situation but it’s not him fault and for his wife to be I loyal while in his position just feels wrong, but that’s only my personal opinion.

Original poster
InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 22:03

@MyMabel

If your mum had mentioned it, or wanted to. I wouldn’t be disappointed.

But I also would encourage it either. They are married, in sickness and in health, til’ death do they part. - marriage is a promise to be devoted to each other until the end. She doesn’t want to divorce her husband, it’s an unfortunate situation but it’s not him fault and for his wife to be I loyal while in his position just feels wrong, but that’s only my personal opinion.

I appreciate your message, thank you. Unfortunately she can't divorce him as he doesn't have mental capacity anymore, so couldn't consent to the divorce.
OP posts:
Dollywilde · 10/06/2021 22:07

We may wind up in this situation in the future and I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t judge my mum for it. I don’t think she would but she’s 15 years into being a carer and her life is nothing like she thought it would be. At the moment my dad has the capacity to be very hurt by it; to my mind if your dad doesn’t have capacity to be hurt by it then it isn’t an affair in the conventional sense.

Kiki275 · 10/06/2021 22:15

My mum has Alzheimer's and is now in a home. Were our situation like yours, I'd have wholeheartedly encouraged him. It's so lonely hand we all need someone to talk to or cry on.
As it is he announced his new partner as his girlfriend.... at his wife/ my mums birthday party, then moved her in the following year. We're now NC. He's removed every trace of my mum from the house.x

KarmaStar · 10/06/2021 22:17

Yanbu at all.
Your mum is a very loving wife and that level of commitment in such challenging times is nothing short of heroic.
Urge her to live her life and take this relationship as far as she wants to.
Your df would not want her to put any more of her life aside for him here.
She should enjoy every moment and not feel a shred of guilt.🌈