To encourage my Mum to 'cheat' on my Dad?

[InsideNumberNine]

I know, the title is incendiary but hear me out.

Mum and Dad have been married 47 years. 19 years ago, at the age of 48, my Dad was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's. He's been at home this entire time, Mum is his full time carer. It's been an incredibly hard few years. He's now completely bedridden, doubly incontinent, choking risk, like a small child. Heartbreaking for all of us. Understandably, they haven't been intimate since soon after his diagnosis.

Her life not only revolves around him, but around the subject of Alzheimer's and dementia. All their friends have slowly drifted away and she only socialises with people in similar circumstances - support groups etc...

Four years ago, she got friendly with a chap in the group whose wife had recently died. It was all about board, offering help and someone to chat to/have a coffee with.

Well, you can guess what happened. A friendship has blossomed into something more and he's asked her out on a date. She now feels completely torn and has confided in me. I've told her she should do whatever makes her happy but she feels like she might be judged by people. I can't labour the point enough, my Mum has devoted her life to my Dad since his diagnosis. I believe he's only still here and alive because of her.

But, 19 years on, I also believe she deserves some happiness. I want to encourage her to go for it but I'm also aware that this is technically adultery.

WWYD?

I wouldn't encourage anything. Id tell her you love her, you know shes been an amazing wife to your dad and you support her choices and will always be there.

This is the only 'cheating' I would agree with. As long as she's sensible about it and not like bringing the new man home to where her husband is, then she should date someone else.

You Mum sounds like a lovely, amazing lady. She deserves some happiness, and any loving partner would want their surviving partner to get some joy out of life when they are no longer able to be there to participate in it with them. She's waited 19 years, that's not too soon.
Give her a big hug and a quiet 'go for it' from me.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable.

Dementia at 48 - no one imagines that would ever happen to them do they? It's the stuff of nightmares. If it was a dog in the terrible condition your poor dad is in you wouldn't think twice about putting it down. Fucks me off no end that assisted dying is illegal. I was just reading on the BBC about someone with a different condition who had been campaigning for it as they had a serious condition and didn't feel their life was worth living any more - they finally died having had to remove their ventilator and basically suffocate themselves by doing so as they lost their case. Everyone should be allowed the right to a pain free dignified death and not suffer the depths of dementia if they say in advance that they don't want to.

I would tell your mum that she has done everything for your dad, sadly he is just a shell now and she deserves to be happy again.

I saw an episode of first dates where a man in a similar situation went on and his children had encouraged him to.

Might be worth watching maybe even with your mum to show how accepted this was both by the show and others on it

I hope your mom goes on the date and has a lovely time ,she certainly deserves it.
In these circumstances i don't think the normal' rules' of marriage apply, she has lost an awful lot and your dad sadly is no longer a husband in the true sense .
Just because she goes out and haves some fun won't lessen any love she has for your dad or take her memories away .
He is trapped in one of the cruellest diseases there is and she shouldn't be trapped with him too.
My best wishes to you all .

My partners mum had a simler issue not
Alzimers but simler symptoms. My partner was happy for his dad having some normality as he had given the past 20+ years carding for his wife

I wouldn't encourage her, but I also wouldn't discourage her. This decision is one only she can make, give your blessing but don't push her to make a choice one way or the other.

@colouringindoors

That's tough. I'd tell her you'd be happy for her if she went on the date but it's totally her call.

I'm with @colouringindoors . Keep it simple and nonjudgmental. It's not your job to police her wedding vows on the one hand, or grant her "permission" to break them on the other.

I wouldn't judge your mum at all, and I'm normally super judgy about affairs. But I wouldn't encourage it either. Because affairs are wrong for three reasons:

• the unbelievable pain it causes the betrayed spouse when they find out
• it almost always involves lying to the innocent spouse about where you were and what you were doing
• it requires breaking a sincere and serious promise made as part of the wedding vows (til death do us part)

You can easily argue that the first two points are irrelevant given that your father is past being the potential to know or be hurt by this. But you cannot decide for someone else whether the circumstances justify breaking a vow. That is for your mum and her conscience to decide. If it were my mum I'd really hope she'd decide it was okay and finds some happiness.

I really think most people would feel for her and understand if she went ahead. I certainly wouldn't judge her, as someone who looked after family members wuth dementia and Alzheimers I know how difficult it is. Tell her to go ahead if that's going to bring joy into her life and that you're fully supportive

The hard reality is that the man your mum is caring for is different from the man she married.

Of course she should be free to pursue a relationship. Surely your dad wouldn't have wanted her to be alone.