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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To encourage my Mum to 'cheat' on my Dad?

63 replies

InsideNumberNine · 10/06/2021 21:31

I know, the title is incendiary but hear me out.

Mum and Dad have been married 47 years. 19 years ago, at the age of 48, my Dad was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's. He's been at home this entire time, Mum is his full time carer. It's been an incredibly hard few years. He's now completely bedridden, doubly incontinent, choking risk, like a small child. Heartbreaking for all of us. Understandably, they haven't been intimate since soon after his diagnosis.

Her life not only revolves around him, but around the subject of Alzheimer's and dementia. All their friends have slowly drifted away and she only socialises with people in similar circumstances - support groups etc...

Four years ago, she got friendly with a chap in the group whose wife had recently died. It was all about board, offering help and someone to chat to/have a coffee with.

Well, you can guess what happened. A friendship has blossomed into something more and he's asked her out on a date. She now feels completely torn and has confided in me. I've told her she should do whatever makes her happy but she feels like she might be judged by people. I can't labour the point enough, my Mum has devoted her life to my Dad since his diagnosis. I believe he's only still here and alive because of her.

But, 19 years on, I also believe she deserves some happiness. I want to encourage her to go for it but I'm also aware that this is technically adultery.

WWYD?

OP posts:
somersault · 10/06/2021 22:18

@MyMabel

If your mum had mentioned it, or wanted to. I wouldn’t be disappointed.

But I also would encourage it either. They are married, in sickness and in health, til’ death do they part. - marriage is a promise to be devoted to each other until the end. She doesn’t want to divorce her husband, it’s an unfortunate situation but it’s not him fault and for his wife to be I loyal while in his position just feels wrong, but that’s only my personal opinion.

Mine too. I wouldnt do this to my DH and I would be devestated at the prospect of him doing it if it was me. To me, this was part of our marriage vows. I really appreciate though that's its just how it is for us and would never judge anyone for doing or thinking otherwise. It's a tough one.

What would your DF have wanted?

Californiabakes · 10/06/2021 22:18

She should absolutely go for it if she wants to.

JillWoodhead · 10/06/2021 22:21

She is asking your permission.

It's up to you if you give it, but personally I wouldn't hesitate.

My mother had Alzheimers. My sister is already heading that way. My daughter and my friends have already been told that if go down that route my husband MUST send me to a home, and he has my full permission to find love and attention elsewhere.

It's not your dad. It is a dad shaped body, with little or no consciousness.

Wish your mother well, and encourage her to find love and affection with your blessing.

Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails · 10/06/2021 22:23

I think Louis Theroux did a documentary which covered this subject.

Judging your mother would be the last thing I'd do.

faithfulbird20 · 10/06/2021 22:27

I'd treat people how I'd want to be treated and I wouldn't be okay with that. Technically he's not past away (sorry) and he's still her husband. She'll regret it and feel 100x worse about what she did when he's not there. Let her make the decision.

Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 10/06/2021 22:37

I saw an item on the news recently about a man and woman who had met at a Dementia Support Group whilst attending with their then Husband and Wife. After their Spouses passed away their friendship progressed into a relationship and they then married. They now still support others at the group, I thought this was lovely and heart-warming. It sounds like your Mother has been and continues to be dedicated to caring for your Father. Caring for someone with Dementia can be incredibly isolating and it can be difficult to find someone to support you who understands the demands placed upon you and the difficult situations you experience. Only your Mother will know the right decision for her regarding her friendship and if this moves to a relationship now or in the future. She's lucky to have such a supportive Daughter who she can confide in Flowers

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 10/06/2021 22:43

She has one life, tell her to live it to the full

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/06/2021 22:44

Having seen far too much of dementia, I would absolutely tell a parent in this position to go ahead, if that’s what they want. I would never judge anyone in that situation for finding some love and happiness elsewhere.

Peoniesandpeaches · 10/06/2021 22:47

I’d actively encourage it! We were in this position with my grandfather and by the time my gran died (she had it 22 years) his own health wasn’t what it once was and he really missed the boat. As much as we tried to be there for him he died very lonely I think. She deserves a little romance, frivolity and hope even if she takes it no further.

Tistheseason17 · 10/06/2021 22:49

Go for it.

Alzheimers in my family. I will be writing a letter to my kids to tell them to put me in a home. It's not me inside the body when this happens.

bloodyhell19 · 10/06/2021 22:50

This wouldn't bother me in the least OP, your mum has given 19 years of her life to caring for your dad & she really must live life while she can. I don't think it's unfair to say that the man she married isn't there anymore - the shape of him is but he can't give her the love and attention and intimacy she needs & deserves. I do mean that in a very kind way by the way - I'm not slighting your dear dad in the least. Alzheimer's is such a complicated illness and is so hard for those left behind. Had your parents ever discussed a scenario like this? If I were you, I'd sit DM down and say I don't have any problem with you seeing someone else at all, but do you have reservations/worries? And I'd root it out if maybe she's concerned about what other people think (those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind) or if it's perhaps down to wedding vows or if she feels she would be "cheating" on DF - in which case she may just need to talk about that & tease it out. I don't believe it's cheating; for it to be cheating there would have to be a current intimate relationship where both parties are aware of the relationship. She can still love your father but equally still enjoy herself.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 10/06/2021 22:51

They are married, in sickness and in health, til’ death do they part. - marriage is a promise to be devoted to each other until the end

Marriage vows are reciprocal, though. They go both ways, just as you can't be married to someone on your own; they have to be married to you back. The vows failed long ago, because the DF lost the ability - through no fault of his own - to keep them, just as if he had died. That's the way I see it anyway. And as the OP said, the law recognises that he is fundamentally no longer capable of participating in the marriage, thus why it cannot be legally dissolved.

More prosaically, I believe it's beyond what can be expected of any human to keep up one side of vows literally for decades with someone incapable of reciprocating. In the days when people dreamed up "til death do us part", the idea that someone could be kept alive in this state for so long was impossible. I don't think anybody other than the DM herself has any right to hold her to those vows now. If she wants to keep them, of her own accord, that is her choice.

Wearywithteens · 10/06/2021 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 10/06/2021 22:59

DM was in a very similar situation in her late 40s. I was in my early 20s. I’m absolutely certain that she “cheated”, but I have no issue with that at all. At the time she had been my father’s carer for 12 years.

Triffid1 · 10/06/2021 23:00

I would absolutely give her my blessing. I suspect she also needs you to reassure her that her love and care for your Dad is not in question.

A good friend experienced similar. His mum had early onset dementia and was in a home by the time she was in her early 50s. His Dad, in time, met another woman and they've been together something like 20+ years now. But what was really important to my friend was that his Dad never stopped loving or caring for his mum. He took responsibility for her, visited her in the home often, did everything he could to ensure she was well cared for etc, right up until she died.

Tempusfudgeit · 11/06/2021 08:48

You can divorce someone without mental capacity - the court appoints a 'litigation friend' to represent their interests. Financially it doesn't make sense though, as his settlement would be taken in care costs.

JovialNickname · 11/06/2021 10:54

I think your mum deserves some happiness too, and I think the fact that her new friend understands Altzheimers (having met at a support group) is important. It sounds like he would respect your mum's difficult position and be sensitive to the issues she is facing.

Ozanj · 11/06/2021 10:59

They are married, in sickness and in health, til’ death do they part. - marriage is a promise to be devoted to each other until the end

Those vows were created at a time when the average life expectancy was 50-60 and most illnesses would have been a death sentence so you wouldn’t have had the caring responsibilities you have now. Even having grandparents is a fairly new thing for most people outside of Europe.

DingDongDenny · 11/06/2021 11:34

I think she deserves some happiness, particularly after sacrificing the last 19 years to looking after someone who no longer recognises her.

Having worked a lot with people with dementia and their family members I've told my DH that if he is ever in that position to stick me in a home and get on with his life. Not early on, but when I don't know who he is anymore

JudgeRindersMinder · 11/06/2021 11:36

The way we saw it was that had my not had Az (only 57 when diagnosed and deteriorated at a very fast rate) then the subject would never have come up-he was absolutely devoted to her, and never came to terms with her death in the 10 years between her death and his.

How could we deny him company and leave him sitting in the house on his own as we sat in our houses with our partners and families?

I absolutely appreciate those who say “till death us do part”, the way we saw it, although there was a person there, the person we knew was long gone.

Is a person not allowed to have any quality of life because their partner is mentally absolutely incapacitated ? Not in my world.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2021 11:40

She should go for it if that's what makes her happy. Just let her know she deserves to be loved and cherished too

yourestandingonmyneck · 11/06/2021 12:00

This is so sad for you all.

Well done for being so understanding. I agree that your mum probably needs a bit of encouragement from you. It's probably not enough for her for you to say "I don't mind". Give her a wee nudge; tell her to go for it.

As for worrying that people might judge her.....well, these friends all drifted away, didn't they? Therefore they don't really get a say. You can tell her not to give two hoots about what people might think, but that she can keep it low key anyway and people don't really need to know.

Although to be honest I can't imagine any could have a problem with it. And if they do it's none of their business.

Your mum has done amazingly well caring for your dad. She sounds like a wonderful woman and your dad must be pretty fantastic to be so loved.

Good luck to you all x

drawerofwater · 11/06/2021 12:04

@Kiki275

My mum has Alzheimer's and is now in a home. Were our situation like yours, I'd have wholeheartedly encouraged him. It's so lonely hand we all need someone to talk to or cry on. As it is he announced his new partner as his girlfriend.... at his wife/ my mums birthday party, then moved her in the following year. We're now NC. He's removed every trace of my mum from the house.x
The 2 halves of your post totally contradict each other?
Kiki275 · 11/06/2021 19:31

@drawerofwater I suppose it does read like that, sorry. Suffice to say the situations are very different.
He wished he'd divorced her years ago because that would have saved him effort & expense. He didn't actually divorce her (after several affairs by him) because it would have cost him too much. He grudgingly kept her home as long as he did because of money but encouraged her to drink a bottle of wine every night just to get her to go to bed and leave him in peace.
I knew he had women on the side and could turn a blind eye because as I said, it's a very lonely situation and everyone needs someone to talk to. There is still some discretion to be had though. It was a big birthday for my mum and we hosted a party full of all her friends. He invited this "lady" and publicly announced her as his girlfriend at this same party. There's way more to tell and we're now NC, but yes, if my situation was like OPs I would encourage it. Instead I have a father who will forever be "the victim" xx

Moelwynbach · 11/06/2021 19:45

OP this made me feel all warm inside. Love expands to suit all purposes. Your mum can still love your dad and miss him as well as being happy elsewhereSmile