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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Old neighbor keeps asking for help

98 replies

creaturcomforts · 10/06/2021 19:50

Since I moved I've kept in touch with an old neighbor who is in her late 60s who is a lovely lady with not much family.

She has a disability with her back which makes it hard for her to get out and sort things out as she lives on a 2nd floor flat.

Since covid struck I've been aware that it will have been hard and I've been going over and helping to weed the garden and tidy and go with her into town as she cant go alone.

I'm feeling really awful about this but I'm a single parent and I work full time, I work in care 12 hour shifts and I'm in my mid 40s. I dont drive and the last 2 times she has asked me to come and help her she has been out and said sorry she was out can I come again in a day or 2.

I've travelled 40 mins on the bus there and back because I dont drive and I havent alot of money for travel, I dont get alot of time from work and when I do have a couple of days off there is usually something that I need to sort out, either food shopping or things for dd.

I've been diagnosed as aenamic and I'm on iron and I feel better but im tired and feel im running on empty I also dont want to let this lady down but I cant keep going up there without notice.

I'm generally worried about her and I will do whatever I can to help but the last couple of times I dont feel it's been appreciated as we arranged to meet at her house and she was still at her friends and called me an hour later asking me to come over, by this time I'd had no reply and got in the bus to go home !

What is the best way to deal with this?!?

OP posts:

AmberIsACertainty · 11/06/2021 20:29

i just cant turn my back on someone who may be in need

She's not "in need" she's "in want".

You are one person. You can't take on responsibility for all the lame ducks in the world who you happen to come across. It makes you ill eventually.

If you've got this extra capacity at the moment to care for someone, then as someone who "just keeps their head above water in private rental" why dont you take on an extra paid caring job of some sort, so you can build up an emergency fund for your own family's welfare? You're currently shafting your future self by letting this woman take the piss with your time.

Herecomesanothernamechange · 11/06/2021 20:43

Op there may be a social prescriber her GP practice could refer her to. They deal with people suffering social isolation so may be able to help.

Giraffey1 · 11/06/2021 20:53

Just tell her you were happy to help her when you lived close by but now you have moved, it’s just not possible any more. Leave her with some suggestions of other sources of help and wish her well. It’s lovely that you are kind and want to help but you need to look after yourself..

CSIblonde · 11/06/2021 23:52

AgeUk can put her in touch with a scheme where repairs & gardening etc are hugely discounted for elderly on low income. You can't be at her beck & call all the time.

HerMammy · 11/06/2021 23:58

You say she worked until Covid and is ‘very independent’ so why on earth does she need your help, she seems to get out n about when it suits her, she’s a effin chancer.

AlwaysLatte · 12/06/2021 00:00

Agree with others about getting external help for her - most of which you can do at home, on the phone. Maybe ring Age concern, and definitely her GP to try to get a referral for Health and Social Care. The more help you can get for her the more you can retract then get it to a situation where you just go for a visit, which is how it should be in your situation.

memberofthewedding · 12/06/2021 00:20

I once allowed a neighbour to get their claws into me and was grateful when they moved across the city. I was able to say "sorry I dont drive" and thought I had got rid.

When her DLA form was due for renewal she phoned and promised that her son would give me a lift there and back so I agreed to help her with the form. While I was doing so he was watching TV and drinking beer. So he was unable to give me a lift back. I had to call a taxi and they did not even offer to pay my fare! When I got home I blocked their number and I think they took the hint because I never heard from my ungrateful ex neighbour again. Had I done so I would not have been polite.

I think you need to explain via letter or text that you are unable to help any more and point her in the direction of some other resources.

There is a block facility on your phone.

Bassarid · 12/06/2021 02:11

I suspect that you already know the answer!

alexdgr8 · 12/06/2021 02:35

OP, have you heard of co-dependency.
it is even recognised as a type of addiction, there are support groups for people trying to wean themselves off it.

alexdgr8 · 12/06/2021 02:37

and what about your daughter.
how does she feel about you expending your time and emotional energy.
your daughter needs you now. she has definite needs. don't ignore that.

Twylar · 12/06/2021 06:49

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person!
I think you have a ticket out with your anaemia, just let her know you're not feeling well and won't be over for a while and then don't go for a month or two and then you can wean it down to a monthly/2 monthly or 3 monthly visit (if you still want a relationship with them).
If not just don't ever get in touch after you feel better
But you are entitled to put your own needs first

FindingMeno · 12/06/2021 06:53

If she hasn't got much family it means she has some.
The more you do the more they'll let you.
Step back from this.

Happyoldbat · 12/06/2021 07:19

Tell her you’ve done your back in and won’t be able to help. A nice non specific complaint of indefinite duration.

TheWatersofMarch · 12/06/2021 09:52

Lots of advice here but just wanted to send to you as you sound like a lovely person.

Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 09:56

Rather than replying saying you won’t be able to come for another week, have you replied saying the truth?

‘I’m a single parent, I work full time and I don’t drive. The last two times I have come over to help you, I have travelled for 40 minutes on the bus on my day off, and you haven’t even been home. I think you need to find a better solution to your needs’

user1471538283 · 12/06/2021 13:04

This stops now and for good. You have to say no before you are really ill. Would she look after your children then?

It is so rude to just be out when she knew you were coming. She is treating you like an employee with contempt. When she next asks say no.

EishetChayil · 12/06/2021 13:09

Why do you feel so beholden to her? Stop being such a mug. Your daughter needs you more than this woman.

LuvMyBubbles · 12/06/2021 13:26

Stop. Look after you and your family. Visit as a friend if you must but not a helper

VettiyaIruken · 12/06/2021 13:31

She's totally taking the piss.
I'd tell her I can't help any more, it's too far away and I'm busy. Suggest she contacts age concern or similar then stop responding

If she wasn't so ungrateful and inconsiderate that would be different. But as it is, she doesn't deserve all the trouble you're going to

viques · 12/06/2021 13:38

I think I would say that I wanted to keep in touch and to come over to visit her sometimes as a friend for a cup of tea and a chat, but that my work commitments and the difficult journey time made it impossible to give her the sort of help she needed.

Sssloou · 12/06/2021 14:04

You need to find your way out of your misplaced FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - which is trapping you unnecessarily.

You need to recognise that you have a tough and demanding life .... that you have finite emotional, physical, financial and time resources that you need to conserve and prioritise for your own emotional, physical and financial well-being.

You need to rest up and restore on your days off so that you have the energy and focus to enjoy your life and continue to build your RS with your teenage daughter who needs you at this time for fun as well as support.

Don’t waste these precious years and your energy on some manipulative, demanding, ungrateful random.

Your life has moved on. Be less available. Don’t respond for days. Phase her out if you are kinder than me - but ghosting her given her disrespectful treatment of you is also appropriate IMHO.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 12/06/2021 16:05

OP you have been really kind, but this lady is clearly taking advantage of you. There are lots of charities where people volunteer to help elderly people with be-friending schemes etc (although I wouldn't say late 60's is elderly). She can't be that helpless if she is out visiting friends when you go round to help, and why is she estranged from her brother- maybe that is why she is alone?

I have an elderly relative (90's) who became so reliant on his next door neighbour that he refused his care package and expected the neighbour to do everything instead. She was too nice to say no and then couldn't cope. You don't want to end up like her.
Put yourself and your child first. Anaemia is exhausting. There is help out there and it doesn't have to be you.

Belledan1 · 12/06/2021 20:22

My friend walks dogs for elderly people though a charity. Its countrywide. PM if you want the details

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