Old neighbor keeps asking for help

[creaturcomforts]

Since I moved I've kept in touch with an old neighbor who is in her late 60s who is a lovely lady with not much family.

She has a disability with her back which makes it hard for her to get out and sort things out as she lives on a 2nd floor flat.

Since covid struck I've been aware that it will have been hard and I've been going over and helping to weed the garden and tidy and go with her into town as she cant go alone.

I'm feeling really awful about this but I'm a single parent and I work full time, I work in care 12 hour shifts and I'm in my mid 40s. I dont drive and the last 2 times she has asked me to come and help her she has been out and said sorry she was out can I come again in a day or 2.

I've travelled 40 mins on the bus there and back because I dont drive and I havent alot of money for travel, I dont get alot of time from work and when I do have a couple of days off there is usually something that I need to sort out, either food shopping or things for dd.

I've been diagnosed as aenamic and I'm on iron and I feel better but im tired and feel im running on empty I also dont want to let this lady down but I cant keep going up there without notice.

I'm generally worried about her and I will do whatever I can to help but the last couple of times I dont feel it's been appreciated as we arranged to meet at her house and she was still at her friends and called me an hour later asking me to come over, by this time I'd had no reply and got in the bus to go home !

What is the best way to deal with this?!?

I spent a lot of time looking after a nearby neighbour when my first DC was a baby. It was heartbreaking and she was so lonely but she was nearby, desperately in need of care and very appreciative. I couldn’t go out of my way for someone who has friends who help and who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s a lot of work and emotional responsibility so the set up has to to be right otherwise you’ll both feel let down and pissed off and the whole thing will be pointless. Time to step away. Maybe you could just arrange to meet her for a cuppa once a month with your DC somewhere instead.

She's treating you like a carer, presumably because she nows it's what you do for a living and she's got into a mindset of assuming you'll come to her aid whenever she needs it. If you find confrontation hard, simply tell her that you're busy with your work and your daughter's needs and you won't be able to come over for the foreseeable. Rinse and repeat. If she tries to pile on the emotional guilt, that's when you tell her that you aren't in a position to help any longer and she needs to find alternatives to you dog walking and gardening.

Your ex neighbour is massively unreasonable and being very ungrateful. She’s expecting you to bail her out when actually she could do or organise others this stuff herself.

I’m disabled, chronically ill and have chronic pain. So I get it. I go out with the dogs. Not far and when I can’t, I have a dog Walker to fall back on… and a gardener.

Expecting someone to travel 40 minutes on the bus to weed your garden/walk your dogs as a favour is CFery in itself. Not being home when they arrive is massive CFery.

You haven't got time to do this, OP. Just tell her you can't do it anymore now that you've moved and leave it at that.

I would be honest with her .just say you have a lot on and you can't travel on your day off as you have your own stuff to do. If she's late 60s andcan visit friends on her own she seems to be taking advantage of the situation .she needs a family member to get involved. I would phone the council and let them deal with it

OP, i know you said you are a single parent, but do you have other support locally, close family or friends ?
this woman seems to have got the upper hand with you, it was very intrusive to book a holiday basically because it suited her to have you come and wait on her, assist with dogs etc.
she is using you as a support/care worker without actually engaging you as that, and crucially without paying you.
to offer to pay for the holiday camp is simply to manipulate you int doing what she wants.
it is very presumptuous. you get to choose if, when, how, where you take a holiday, and with whom. esp as your daughter is involved.
she is manipulating you, but can't seem to see it for what it is.

it's almost as if you are trying to find a good enough reason not to go there so much, as if you need her permission.
can you not see that is cock-eyed.
the power dynamic is out of balance.
you need to assert your autonomy; your right to choose how you spend your rare time off, and where you put your energy.
your DC need you. this woman does not.
if you carry on like this, your Dc may resent you when they are older.

OP,

You badly need to step away.
To have a busy working woman with a family travel 40 minutes and for her to have simply gone with friends is unforgivable.

Step away and focus on your health.

She goes out even though she knows you're supposed to be coming over?

She booked a holiday without discussing it with you and then expected you to go along?

I have to wonder if she treated her estranged brother as poorly.

She isn't your responsibility. Even if it didn't require physical sacrifice to help her out, allowing yourself to be treated this way isn't good for you. As it is it takes away from your ability to look after yourself and your child - two people you are responsible for. Next time she asks tell her straight - "No. You don't appreciate it and I'm getting nothing out of it."

I think you need to take better care of yourself before you give up time and money (which you can't actually spare) for someone else, no matter who they are.

You need to get on top of your anaemia, and reduce your output to family and work. Frankly that's more than enough for any normal person at the best of times.

You can visit this lady, when it suits you in a month (or 3) when you're feeling better, if you want to.

She isn't elderly, but she does have mobility issues which I'm sure she can get help with if she does a bit of research and phoning round.

Don't entangle your lives any further, she's already got the wrong idea about your role in her life.

It probably seems hard because you are obviously a very caring person but it's actually kinder to step back rather than continue to enable her.

I do wonder if she was experiencing some mental confusion with regard to not being on when you last visited. If she is normally do nice, it seems odd that she would behave rudely. It happened to me once when I went to see someone at a Pre arranged time, they weren't in and they were quite rude about it. But it transpired that they had an as yet undiagnosed brain tumour.

If she's well enough to go gadding off to friends, she's well enough to sort her own problems - or get her friends to help.
And she hasn't even the common courtesy to be there when you visit!
Dump her. Her bad back is no excuse for bad manners.

@Akire

Social services will laugh in your face. They will only do assessment if significant needs. Ie can’t get out bed get washed get dressed cook for themselves etc. Someone who can’t do gardening manages local shops but not “a big town shop” will be of no interest. You sound lovely but let her manage.

Not true. They may not offer any services, may well just signpost to voluntary services, but no social worker ever laughs in the face of someone's need for support.

you sound lovely but you'd be far better off finding out who can help this woman and signposting her to them. You need a rest.

This.

Time is precious. Don’t give yours away to someone who is dismissive and entitled.
I wouldn’t find services for her tbh. I’d tell her that you were glad you could help by doing so much when you lived next door but you don’t now, you live too far to be able to continue. You need to prioritise your dd and getting stuff done in your own home.
If she presses, I’d tell her you were irritated that when you came to help, you were left to wait on the doorstep. You helped, you aren’t ‘the help’.

look up "compassion fatigue"

then take a break from it and start taking care of yourself dammit

This doesn’t sound a very healthy dynamic. You’ve moved away, she’s no longer your neighbour (she certainly doesn’t sound like a friend). She isn’t housebound or helpless. Time to move on.

OP you sound so lovely. But please stop doing this! Your reserves Will run out and it'll be you, your DD and your work that suffers. I work 12.5 hours Nursing placements, I'm a single Mother, and honestly on my days off I could sleep all day (I don't, I clean, cook, cut the grass, go to the shops, put laundry on, homework, coursework, walk dog for 2 hours, but you thats just part of the day ) and I'm 33!

Youve gone above and beyond. Just be honest, you're doing nothing wrong to really really cut back on visits.

Yes, I do see what alot of posters have said, i do have alot on either getting food in on days off as I dont drive, helping dd with school work, yes she is 14 now, but still needs reminding/ encouraging/demanding she does her homework.

I'm in a private rental and i just keep my head above water, but i just cant turn my back on someone who may be in need.. I've been there myself and just hope that a good turn deserves another.

I've mentioned to my old neighbor before that I've been in difficulty and I do know that she has definitely been in need, this I understand and I would rather help than question why someone needs that help iykwim?

I've felt emotionally tied and worried , but from texts I feel that shes more isolated than struggling with practical help , and I need to offer help only when I can manage it.

Yes thank you for the posts to everyone, I've definitely felt at times that she has depended on me too much, but hadn't taken into account my situation, and I need to draw back just a little...

The Cinnamon Trust will help with walking her dogs. They are a charity set up specifically for this.

Thanks Bassett lover I will definitely look into this

If she needed your help that much she would make herself availablr or at least be grateful.

Just say no sorry i can't, sorry im really busy inhave to go and end the call and pull back.

It's commendable that you wish to support someone who is vulnerable....... but, she's bang out of order to not be at home when you've agreed to go to help her. Your time is valuable

I am in a similar situation OP.
The lady I help is very needy and has mental health issues. It does not occur to her that we are going out of our way to help her and actually finding it quite stressful.
I would suggest referral to Age U.K. Or similar. Social services will not be interested if she has a roof over her head and food on the table, unless she is in some sort of danger.

With your lady you do need to spell it out. "I am sorry but I have been told I am overdoing things and because I don't have a car it's very difficult to get to you. I won't be able to help you out with practical things for a while and I suggest you contact Age UK and see if they can help?

You could always offer a chat on the telephone from time to time.

She's taking the piss

You're not a doormat

There's something off here. If she lives in a 2nd floor flat she doesn't have a garden for you to weed? It will either belongs to the ground floor flat or it's a communal garden and there will be an organisation in charge of looking after it. You're being used and taken for granted. Just ignore messages, say you can't come any more, or you can only come over once a month for cuppa and chat but you can't help with anything. Whatever suits you.