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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Old neighbor keeps asking for help

98 replies

creaturcomforts · 10/06/2021 19:50

Since I moved I've kept in touch with an old neighbor who is in her late 60s who is a lovely lady with not much family.

She has a disability with her back which makes it hard for her to get out and sort things out as she lives on a 2nd floor flat.

Since covid struck I've been aware that it will have been hard and I've been going over and helping to weed the garden and tidy and go with her into town as she cant go alone.

I'm feeling really awful about this but I'm a single parent and I work full time, I work in care 12 hour shifts and I'm in my mid 40s. I dont drive and the last 2 times she has asked me to come and help her she has been out and said sorry she was out can I come again in a day or 2.

I've travelled 40 mins on the bus there and back because I dont drive and I havent alot of money for travel, I dont get alot of time from work and when I do have a couple of days off there is usually something that I need to sort out, either food shopping or things for dd.

I've been diagnosed as aenamic and I'm on iron and I feel better but im tired and feel im running on empty I also dont want to let this lady down but I cant keep going up there without notice.

I'm generally worried about her and I will do whatever I can to help but the last couple of times I dont feel it's been appreciated as we arranged to meet at her house and she was still at her friends and called me an hour later asking me to come over, by this time I'd had no reply and got in the bus to go home !

What is the best way to deal with this?!?

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 10/06/2021 20:32

You need to stop. She doesn't even appreciate you. She doesn't care that you've travelled for 40minutes and she's not come home on time. You have to send a letter, or text explaining that you're not feeling well so won't be able to help out any more. The problem here is you, you are putting others before yourself. That is wrong. I only help people if my jobs and commitments are done. My family comes first. I wouldn't be rushing to a former neighbour, when she can't be bothered to be in! You have to stop it and stop feeling guilty. She can get a gardener, dog walker and groceries delivered with ease.

ifyougetthechancedoit · 10/06/2021 20:34

You sound like a lovely kind person OP! However, you have a responsibility to your kids and yourself to have healthy boundaries. It's lovely if you want to help this person, but you are not obliged to help, particularly if it is at your expense and inconvenience.

If you want to stay in touch, perhaps reframe your offer of support: "I'd love to come around for a cup of tea and a chat". Whilst you are there you can offer a hand if you like, but don't offer that in advance. If this person isn't happy to just accept just the company, then she clearly takes you for granted and is using you as free labour.

skodadoda · 10/06/2021 20:35

She’s not that independent if she’s relying on you so heavily

This.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 10/06/2021 20:37

I think you are being taken advantage of by your old neighbour. You are a single parent, work full time and have your own health to manage. I would not be impressed if I had travelled by public transport to help someone and they couldn't even be bothered to be in.

Time to put your DD and yourself first and slowly back away she is asking too much of you.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 10/06/2021 20:38

Give her the phone number for AgeUK and the local council's social care team. Tell her you wish her well but you can no longer help as you've got a lot on with work, etc. DO NOT back down and start helping her again. If she tries to guilt trip you, tell her to go to social services.

Dontbeme · 10/06/2021 20:40

OP you need to reframe this in your own mind, if you spend all your time and energy helping this woman all while you work full time, are ill yourself and a single parent what happens when you have nothing left to give? Will this woman care for you and your child if you cannot work due to ill health?

You need to see she uses you as it's convenient, costs her nothing (has she ever offered you bus fare?) And is so entitled that she calls you over and then doesn't bother to be home at the agreed time. Did you ever stop to think that maybe there is nobody else around to help as she used them in the same way and they walked away? Just keep telling her you are working and ill yourself, can't help sorry and repeat, repeat, repeat.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 10/06/2021 20:42

@Dontbeme

Yes, this! She's taking the piss, OP.

Sparklesocks · 10/06/2021 20:43

Either she’s independent or she’s reliant on you to do those things for her, but she can’t be both.

Notavegan · 10/06/2021 20:45

You have been twice and she wasn't home? Did I even read that right. I'd never help again personally. You have enough to do.

Original poster

creaturcomforts · 10/06/2021 20:45

Yes I think a kind but tactful message is needed, I just wasnt sure what help Is available but I can always help with that

OP posts:

NigellaSeed · 10/06/2021 20:46

@OP, you sound like a lovely person. It's time to walk away, don't feel guilty.

CrikeyMatron · 10/06/2021 20:47

She sounds a cheeky fucker who takes advantage of you. Does she ever offer you bus fare for coming to do jobs for you? She can’t even be arsed to be at home when you made the effort and cash to come all the way to see her.

Sounds like you’re certainly not high up on her list of priorities/people she cares about so why are you prioritising her?

She’s not your responsibility. You only have a finite amount of time/money/energy and you’re letting her steal it from you to your and your daughter’s detriment.

alexdgr8 · 10/06/2021 20:48

you really need to stop this now.
think what you are modelling t your children, esp daughters.
it is important that you show them how to deal with adult interaction, not to be put upon.
you are worried about how not to offend this woman.
do you think she considers you at all, except how to make use of you.
she has done a number on you. but you can step away.
you will see it more clearly once you are out of it. good luck.

Mary46 · 10/06/2021 20:48

I agree dont be as available to her. Good of you op. I find with some people there an endless list errands.. and your buses not as regular now

RoseMartha · 10/06/2021 20:51

I would contact adult social care and explain.

BrilliantBetty · 10/06/2021 20:52

Nice that you've helped her in the past. And that you went round there.
Your good deed is done here.

Have you moved away?
Cut ties, unless she's giving you a call to find out how YOU are or if you'd like to get together socially.

You're not available to be her help. She has other options.

SpilltheTea · 10/06/2021 20:56

Tell her you can't help her anymore. It's too far away and you have your own responsibilities. I wouldn't feel guilty about it, especially as she didn't even apologise for not being in twice. She's taking the piss and doesn't seem to appreciate you at all.

Notaroadrunner · 10/06/2021 20:57

@creaturcomforts

Yes I think a kind but tactful message is needed, I just wasnt sure what help Is available but I can always help with that

I'm sure she's able to pick up the phone to these services and find out for herself. She's not old. She may have a back problem but that doesn't prevent her from asking around locally for a dog walker, gardener etc. You should suggest that she contact ageUk or similar, but if I were you I wouldn't be doing it for her. Don't message her again and when she contacts you next to ask you to come over, simply say it doesn't suit as you are working/spending time with dd. Tell her you are not available to call over much anymore as it has all got a bit much for you. She has friends, resources to assist her, so I'm sure she won't curl up and die because you're not running and racing for her.

Elouera · 10/06/2021 20:57

I'm kind and would go out of my way to help others, but have you read what you are doing??? I assume she isn't even paying your bus fair? Who minds your child whilst you are providing free gardening and dogs walks??? You sound like her slave at her beck and call!

My advice would be when she next calls, you say 'Oh hi Jean/Mary/Margaret, no, I'm busy with work, my daughter and my own health needs. Grab a pen, here is the number for the red cross/local authority/local befriending group/dog walker who will be able to help.

Or be honest. Sorry Jean, but gardeners and dog walkers cost £x per hour and I cannot afford to continue to do this for free! See what she says then.

Akire · 10/06/2021 20:58

Social services will laugh in your face. They will only do assessment if significant needs. Ie can’t get out bed get washed get dressed cook for themselves etc. Someone who can’t do gardening manages local shops but not “a big town shop” will be of no interest. You sound lovely but let her manage.

Superdoopersoup · 10/06/2021 20:59

Please take note of the other responses OP.

Your old neighbour is manipulative and ungrateful . She has taken advantage of your kindness.

Therefore please step back and stop being at her beck and call.

Stop answering her texts straightaway. If she asks you to come around at 2pm on Wednesday. Reply at 1.30m on that day, saying somehing came up and you can't make it.

You need to distance yourself. After all, the friends that she visits when she has made arrangements with you can be there fo her instead of you.

Don't feel guilty, There are others who need you, and who will give back to you what you give to them. Respect and appreciation.

shouldistop · 10/06/2021 21:02

Yes agreed she needs a dog Walker and someone to help with the garden, I wonder how to broach this without her getting offended though as shes very independent..

You don't have to broach it with her. Next time she asks for help just tell her you're busy with work or your kids. And do the same the time after that.

Original poster

creaturcomforts · 10/06/2021 21:09

Thanks for all replies, I think the consensus is that there is help she can get if she goes about it.

I think shes genuinely lonely at times though and I've rushed round. And she's had support from friends, she had told me recently that her sister had passed and she is estranged from her brother, that must be hard.

She wanted to go away with me and dd on holiday on a camping holiday in Devon before covid and had booked the holiday as they allowed dogs and said that it gave me plenty of time to book holiday.

I was surprised and said that would be nice but I cant afford me and dd share, she had said not to worry but I said no I cant allow you to pay our share.
Then I started work so couldnt anyway as i wouldn't get time off!! So she had to cancel the deposit!!

OP posts:

2bazookas · 10/06/2021 21:13

Next time she asks, you just say " Sorry, no. I'm very busy, don't get much time for my family and you've stood me up twice. "

Ickythefirebobby · 10/06/2021 21:19

@EishetChayil

Stop going out of your way for this absolute chancer woman. Spend the time with your DC.

This. She’s taking the piss massively and you’re allowing her to do this. Just tell her you don’t have the time.

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