DH passing over responsibility again

[blarbed2]

Just having a first world problem rant...

My DS has a tiny brown circle on his finger from when he feel off his bike a few days ago. It is slightly swollen but he says it doesn't hurt. My MIL has totally over-reacted and says he needs to go to the doctors. I told my DH I think it's nothing and will go away, and that's it's embarrassing going to the docs over something so small. I tell him to leave it and see what happens.

So my husband rings the doctors this morning and I think - OK, he can deal with it if he wants.

Then tells me he's working all day and about to go on a 3 hour conference call. He knows there's a call-back service at the doctors. So I then receive the doctors call and they want to see my DS today. They are going to call me back 'shortly'.

I'm now stuck in my sons bedroom as it's the only room in the house with phone signal, waiting for a call, even though I've got tons to do elsewhere. My DH is working, so I'm going to have to fit this docs appt in between my clients today (also working).

Just another example of how him taking responsibility for things, falls back onto me....

* I'm now stuck in my sons bedroom as it's the only room in the house with phone signal, waiting for a call, even though I've got tons to do elsewhere*

And decided to start a mumsnet thread

Just leave the phone inside the door of the room he is working in and walk away. Not your problem.

It sounds as if your dh said ok to appease mummy then delegated this to you.

As you’re not concerned, it would be better to get on with your day.

Alternatively hand him over the phone with a note and say he will have to take it when it rings as you’re busy working.

He made a unilateral decision to contact the doctor. Then made another not to manage the resulting call. Those decisions create consequences and the only way he will learn to make better ones is to ensure he understands what taking responsibility for the consequence entails.

If I were you I’d deal with it today but speak to him later about it. Be clear that you will not pick up his slack next time over something he has arranged. Then next time remind him of your conversation and absolutely hold you boundary about not picking up his slack ( unless obviously your child needs urgent care).

My husband arranged to look after his friends kids the other day after school. School pick up time gets closer and we are both working and I realise he had the expectation that I will be picking up all the kids and looking after them while he is on a work call. I said he should have asked me when he agreed to have the kids if the expectation was for me to stop work to look after them and not him.

Cheeky fucker said “ I thought we’d work like a team like usual” ( as in both watch your kids and both try to work as much as possible sound that).

Later when he was calm we sorted it and he understood that he had assumed I would be happy taking the bulk of childcare. He could see he was unreasonable but at the time couldn’t see that.

What a wanker!
My dh can be the same. He wanted me to book a dentist appointment for dds. I said I’ll book it for half term as it’s an arse of a journey when I’m working. He wasn’t happy, so I said ‘you fucking book it and do it, seen as you don’t do any appointments!’ He did, took them on a Friday before half term. At least he did it.

I think you've had the call now, but make sure you tell him what will happen if he pulls this again.
'You called the doctor, you needed to be the one to deal with the issue to the end. I didn't come in and give you the phone when the doctor phoned today, but if this happens again I will do that, whatever meeting you may be in. And the same applies to other things that might happen along these lines too.'

Sometimes I think a taste of their own medicine works best. Hard to complain back about something you do a lot. Once, when my oh insisted he did as much clothes washing as me, I stopped putting any of his clothes in the wash. A week later he’s pondering why all his clothes are dirty.

“ oh that is weird. Haven’t you been putting your clothes in the wash” I innocently ask him. Point made and he did more after that.

I generally try not to be so passive aggressive…. But it was effective in this instance.

Just carry on with your day, if you miss the call then so be it. Why are you staying in a room you don't want to be in, to receive a call you don't think you need, for a man who didn't agree this with you?

Oooh the big man with the big job that still does what his mother tells him.

Exactly. My DH is a big man with a big job. Bet your arse I’d walk in to his zoom meeting and hand him the phone. Except, he’d have been told before he went on the meeting.

You've annoyed me more than your dh. Stop being so passive and assert yourself.

If you're not worried about the finger then why don't you just carry on with your day and if you miss the call then so be it.

if youre not worried about the finger then 100% the doctor would say ok, well keep an eye on it and see if it gets worse.
What does your dp think a doctor is going to do on a phone appointment with a parent that isnt concerned about a mark on their kids finger?

Are you one of his staff? Because it looks like he’s managing the task but delegating the work to you.

I personally would have told the receptionist that you were not concerned about it and to cancel the appointment. And if it gets worse or hasn’t gone by next week you’d phone back.
If he wants him seen he organises it.

Trust yourself. The finger wasn't bad, so call the doctor / reception and say 'I understand my husband called and the doctor wants to see ds, here is my DH's phone number, please call him.'

Then text DH and say you've told the doctor's to call his email.

Job done.

*Call his number

I’m definitely going against the grain here but I wouldn’t do any of what’s been suggested. There are two things that need sorting here - your dh needs to learn not to schedule your time, and you need to pick up on a boundary transgression sooner.

You’re sitting there fuming partly because you didn’t spot it until it was too late. My question for you is why? I’m not being snippy- I’ve been in similar situations because I don’t gauge time well, I’m a bit of a people pleaser and like to be helpful, I don’t always remember what I’ve got on, and at root I don’t think I’m important enough. You really do need to work out what’s going on on your side of this.

It sounds to me like your dh has a case of important job syndrome, poor planning skills (typical of senior staff when they have underlings), and isn’t viewing you in the correct frame.

I’ve found that arguments and strops don’t help with these issues but a calm, clear statement of fact can. I’d suggest something along these lines “I am your wife, not your secretary. You have a senior role at work but in this family we are equal. I do not inconvenience you at work and I expect the same courtesy and respect from you. I have dealt with this today but next time do not ask me to pick up the slack.” Then wait for his response so that if necessary you can calmly suggest what @Triffid1 said: a simple, "sorry, I might need to step away from a minute if my son's doctor calls" at the start of a call

When you state a boundary firmly, without anger, insult or recrimination, and state clearly what you expect, it’s very hard to ignore.

I think it was doctors fault for calling you instead of him in the first place. I would make appointment for DS to go in, and then tell DH he’s the one taking DS to the Drs., and failing that MIL can do it as you have work.

It’s not hard. No need to get all upset.

Besides what will the child think of memories of his parents fighting over who has to get him to the doctors? He’s going to feel like a big inconvenient, and unwanted burden.

"So I then receive the doctors call and they want to see my DS today" - they want to see him for a small mark on his finger following him falling off his bike? Really??