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Original poster

DH passing over responsibility again

94 replies

blarbed2 · 10/06/2021 10:11

Just having a first world problem rant...

My DS has a tiny brown circle on his finger from when he feel off his bike a few days ago. It is slightly swollen but he says it doesn't hurt. My MIL has totally over-reacted and says he needs to go to the doctors. I told my DH I think it's nothing and will go away, and that's it's embarrassing going to the docs over something so small. I tell him to leave it and see what happens.

So my husband rings the doctors this morning and I think - OK, he can deal with it if he wants.

Then tells me he's working all day and about to go on a 3 hour conference call. He knows there's a call-back service at the doctors. So I then receive the doctors call and they want to see my DS today. They are going to call me back 'shortly'.

I'm now stuck in my sons bedroom as it's the only room in the house with phone signal, waiting for a call, even though I've got tons to do elsewhere. My DH is working, so I'm going to have to fit this docs appt in between my clients today (also working).

Just another example of how him taking responsibility for things, falls back onto me....

OP posts:
Aprilx · 10/06/2021 11:43

I honestly can’t even have any sympathy with you because you won’t assert yourself. If my DH had done this, I wouldn’t have locked myself in a room waiting for a call, I would have gone about my plans as normal and if I am not there to answer the phone it won’t be answered. I would tell DH I am not going to waste my time or the doctors time over a small mark on a finger and to stop being so stupid.

WildfirePonie · 10/06/2021 11:45

MiL can sort it, it was her idea!

ineedaholidaynow · 10/06/2021 11:45

I know it is very annoying what your DH has done, but it does appear that the doctor wants to see your son. Bearing in mind it is nigh on impossible to see a doctor where I live at the moment, I assume they think it is important. So surely that needs to be the priority at the moment, then have a discussion with your DH how this works going forward.

Would it be possible to send a photo of your DS's finger to the doctor, so they can make an initial assessment from that, which might avoid having to see the actual doctor?

LeafBeetle · 10/06/2021 11:45

Leave the bedroom OP. Don't worry about the call. Carry on with your day. If you miss the call explain to your DH that it's his responsibility to follow up on this.

notalwaysalondoner · 10/06/2021 11:47

See, I actually take different view - with two working parents, you have to tag team a bit. It is incredibly petty to refuse to take a short call back when your DH is on a 3 hour conference call and you are 'free'. Of course I would probably have told him 'you can go on mute for 30 seconds to take the call back' as even in incredibly senior meetings that would be acceptable (and in a 3 hour meeting there is no way your DH will be speaking 100% of the time). But in terms of who actually goes to the appointment, that just depends on who has the most flex in work.

I feel your pain though if you feel it's always you compromising with work and having to take on the things he started - but the specific example you gave today doesn't sound that unreasonable, it sounds like this is more a build up of lots of instances of him doing this.

LittleOwl153 · 10/06/2021 11:55

@blarbed2 The thing about boosting the signal assumes you have home broadband. You can - dependnant on your mobile provider - boost your mobile signal using your home broadband. this makes our phones useable at home - previously we had to stand in the garden!

www.vodafone.co.uk/network/calling-features/wi-fi-calling

ee.co.uk/help/help-new/getting-started-and-upgrading/using-your-phone-features/how-do-i-use-wifi-calling

I assume it is available on all the main networks.

TheSandgroper · 10/06/2021 12:10

Go into Settings on your phone, select wifi and choose your network. The id will be on your router if you are unsure. Then just type in the passcode which may be on the same sticker on your router.

An0n0n0n · 10/06/2021 12:10

Stop being a doormat.

Unless you want to be in which case stop wasting everyone's time and just carry on working around your husband, simmering and raising issues for him to ignore.

Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 12:11

Carry on your day.
If you take the call tell the Doctor DH is an idiot, it's a tiny scratch, that his mummy wound him up. That you will not waste Doctors time.

C152 · 10/06/2021 12:18

Well, it seems it's too late to do anything about the call right now. But, if this happens again, I wouldn't sit trapped in a bedroom waiting for a call I didn't arrange for something I didn't think was necessary. I would do whatever I need to and if DH gets annoyed, calmly explain that, as you had previously discussed, you didn't feel a Dr's appointment was needed but, if he did, you have no problem with him arranging one and taking your child.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/06/2021 12:36

Dh needs telling you don't need his dm micro managing your parenting...
And him supporting her in doing so.

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2021 12:40

I’d just miss the call. And message him to say I’m working, so im in room x - im not going to receive the call. Im pretty annoyed you seemed to think you could cancel my work day on me without asking. If I thought it was that important I’d have done that myself, but I dont, as you know. If you do, then a concerned dad prioritised his child’s medical emergency. If you also thinks it’s not critical after all, then you work with my work schedule.

StormcloakNord · 10/06/2021 12:45

Yeah "oooo married life" doesn't cut it here.

DH would never dream of doing something like that and it's quite clear between the two of us that both of our jobs/studies are equally as important as the others.

Your DH is a total dick and has totally disrespected your time by doing that. At the point where he says he has a 3 hour conference call you say "tough luck. You phoned the doctor, it's your responsibility" and then you get on with the shit you have to do.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 10/06/2021 12:46

Obviously I would tell DP he can sort it if he feels so strongly about it.

Failing that "yes I've spoken to the doctor he says it's a sore finger from falling over, keep it clean and it will heal"

You do need to deal with him always passing over the responsibility next time. I just wouldn't take the call and tell him if hes that bothered he can, regardless of meetings. He will soon realise it's not possible.

notanothertakeaway · 10/06/2021 12:46

@notalwaysalondoner

See, I actually take different view - with two working parents, you have to tag team a bit. It is incredibly petty to refuse to take a short call back when your DH is on a 3 hour conference call and you are 'free'. Of course I would probably have told him 'you can go on mute for 30 seconds to take the call back' as even in incredibly senior meetings that would be acceptable (and in a 3 hour meeting there is no way your DH will be speaking 100% of the time). But in terms of who actually goes to the appointment, that just depends on who has the most flex in work.

I feel your pain though if you feel it's always you compromising with work and having to take on the things he started - but the specific example you gave today doesn't sound that unreasonable, it sounds like this is more a build up of lots of instances of him doing this.

I agree with this. As a one off, one of them shoukd take the call from the GP, and it probably should be OP, if her DH has a 3 hour meeting. If OP had the 3 hour work meeting, people would be quick to criticise her DH, if he refused to take the GP's call

Your problem isn't today's incident. It's the recurring pattern

Dishwashersaurous · 10/06/2021 12:51

Er. The doctor won't speak to you about his finger anyway.

Just get on with your work.

shouldistop · 10/06/2021 13:00

@Dishwashersaurous why would the doctor not speak to op about her child's finger?

Dishwashersaurous · 10/06/2021 13:02

Du.h. I thought that it was the husband finger, i will go back to sleep!

blackcat86 · 10/06/2021 13:08

@timeisnotaline

I’d just miss the call. And message him to say I’m working, so im in room x - im not going to receive the call. Im pretty annoyed you seemed to think you could cancel my work day on me without asking. If I thought it was that important I’d have done that myself, but I dont, as you know. If you do, then a concerned dad prioritised his child’s medical emergency. If you also thinks it’s not critical after all, then you work with my work schedule.
This is perfect! To be honest I would probably take the call and have a chat with the gp but also send the majority of that message afterwards
VettiyaIruken · 10/06/2021 13:12

You needed to cancel the appt and tell your husband to rebook it for when he is free to take the call and any time he pulls this again, you will do the same thing.

MintyMabel · 10/06/2021 13:14

I can't go in and pass him the phone. He's quite senior in the company and these will be meetings he would not want to be embarrassed in.

Of course you can. It's up to him to deal with the consequences.

You won't do it, but you absolutely can. Be a martyr if you wish, but if you keep letting him do this, he won't stop.

diddl · 10/06/2021 13:16

@WildfirePonie

MiL can sort it, it was her idea!
I thought that-if she's that worried & both parents are working-let her deal with it!

So the kid's father wasn't concerned until his mum was?Hmm

billy1966 · 10/06/2021 13:16

@MintyMabel

I can't go in and pass him the phone. He's quite senior in the company and these will be meetings he would not want to be embarrassed in.

Of course you can. It's up to him to deal with the consequences.

You won't do it, but you absolutely can. Be a martyr if you wish, but if you keep letting him do this, he won't stop.

Oooh the big man with the big job that still does what his mother tells him.

How attractive...NOT.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/06/2021 13:16

I'm not sure if that's better or worse than a DH who doesn't parent and actively hinders me when I do.

Greenrubber · 10/06/2021 13:21

So if which I assume is a non issue with DS finger will he start listening to you or still side with his mum anytime you disagree on something?