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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabling comment to Ds

103 replies

Comefromaway · 09/06/2021 22:47

I’m asking here not Education or SEN as I want to guage general opinion

Ds is 17 and autistic. In his class at college is a conspiracy theorist, anti vax, anti masker.

Yesterday he was told by her that if I hadn’t have vaccinated him as a child he wouldn’t be autistic. He told her to F off. (Inappropriate response I know but that’s autism for you)

Should we complain? He thinks it’s going over the top. I want it logged for his own protection. She already made a complaint he was victimising her because one day during January lockdown on zoom after she’d been going on about how Covid isn’t real (not long after a family friend lost their mum) he ripped her theories to shreds using science/logic.

OP posts:
HeartvsBrain · 10/06/2021 07:29

You must be so proud of your son OP, he sounds amazing. That girl was so rude to him, and whether that was because of genuine ignorance, a low intelligence, just copying her parents, or any other reason, she needs someone to explain to her how inappropriate that comment was, both for her own sake - so that she doesn't get in serious trouble in the future, and to protect other people with Autism who might not be as resilient as your fabulous son. Would your son agree to you informing the college for those reasons?

MrsBongiovi · 10/06/2021 07:48

I’m not sure what the college could really do in this situation, other than just advise them to keep away from each other. And your son doesn’t want you to do anything, so at that age, I wouldn’t.

They’re both entitled to their opinions and some people hold those beliefs about vaccines and covid etc. It’s a shame they’re both so invested in arguing about it instead of concentrating on college and doing things that kids that age do. I’d tell my child to keep away from this girl and not engage in any conversation with her.

sar302 · 10/06/2021 08:12

But an opinion is something that is debatable - like what the best Jane Austin novel is. Proven scientific fact is fact. It's not opinion. I can't have an opinion that the grass in my garden is blue, because the fact is, it's green.

What a nasty thing for your son to have to put up with hearing. I'd tell him to stay away from her as far as possible, and raise your concerns with whoever would be most appropriate. It might also be worth giving him some stock phrases to shut people down, without telling them to fuck off. (Although in my head I would have been telling her to fuck off too.)

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/06/2021 08:15

I think fuck off was the perfect response actually.

3Britnee · 10/06/2021 08:23

Should we complain?

To who? What do you expect to be done? She's entitled to her own opinion.

EverNapping · 10/06/2021 08:30

Well done him!

I'd contact the school to say you "just want to make you aware of the situation at this stage"

Waspsarearseholes · 10/06/2021 08:32

@3Britnee

Should we complain?

To who? What do you expect to be done? She's entitled to her own opinion.

It's not ok to tell someone their disability/neurodiversity was caused by their parents having them vaccinated. She can have whatever opinions she likes but she crossed a serious line when telling somebody this. Perhaps in time, when she grows up, she'll cringe and be ashamed of the stupid things she's saying now but until that time comes she needs to be told that it is not acceptable to spout off about her ignorant opinions that OP's son is autistic because of vaccinations to OP's son himself. The college has a duty to protect its students.
MrsBongiovi · 10/06/2021 08:36

Waspsarearseholes

Of course this girl shouldn’t say it, it’s unkind. But it sounds like he dealt with it. And he doesn’t want his mum to say anything, he’s 17 not 7 so I think that’s the right decision.

Nats1984 · 10/06/2021 08:48

I think if she’s clocked that he has autism and is targeting him because she thinks that makes him more vulnerable to her bullshit then you should have a word with someone at college . If she’s chatting similar shit to everyone and he’s handling himself well ( I think he has so far !) then allow him to keep doing so and encourage him to stand his ground with her. You know him best , it’s all down to how he feels and whether it’s upsetting him or he’s enjoying speaking up for common sense.
He sounds like a fab young man.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 10/06/2021 08:59

If she has complained about him bullying her before then I think it's worth reporting the incident to help prevent this happening again

DysmalRadius · 10/06/2021 09:02

I'd give the school a heads up - your son handled it well, but she might say something similar to someone less able to refute her crap.

Zari29 · 10/06/2021 09:04

Definitely make a complaint in writing. She should never be allowed to get away with such things. Your poor ds, I can imagine how upset he is.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/06/2021 09:08

This person is stupid. I'm 53 and autistic, we didn't have all the vaccines DC have now, so what caused my autism? What a load of bollocks.

EerieSilence · 10/06/2021 09:08

F**k off is a very mild response to that nutjob.
I would complain if I were in your place, she's spreading lies and conspiracy theories which directly insult and hurt him. What an idiot.

June2021 · 10/06/2021 09:08

The fact that she insists his disability was caused by a vaccine (the evidence proves this is untrue) and she persists in her claims needs addressing. Fuck off is to the point. It feels like she is attempting to bully him. She is not only insensitive and ignorant she is also completely wrong.

He used logic and science and she complained about him. The bully becomes the victim. She will probably complained he swore at her now - completely ignoring her total ignorance and lack of respect towards him

Raise a complaint. Protect your son in case she continues and he retaliates.

June2021 · 10/06/2021 09:11

@3Britnee

Should we complain?

To who? What do you expect to be done? She's entitled to her own opinion.

An opinion that is offensive and offers up incorrect information as to why someone has a SEN is wrong. Racist opinions are no longer accepted and neither should offensive opinions based on crap be accepted. Why do some people accept shit just because someone has a disability/SEN.

PS It's not an OPINION is nonsense.

June2021 · 10/06/2021 09:13

@Checkingout811

Absolutely complain for all the reasons listed above plus to reassure your son that she is talking absolute bullshit!

As a mother with an autistic son who is always hearing this kind of crap, this really hurts.

Yes it does hurt. It's so wrong. Some people on the spectrum may not be able to answer bullshit like this and so it needs to be called out.

Why do some people feel saying thinks like this is an acceptable opinion - it isn't.

Mischance · 10/06/2021 09:18

He told her to F off. - I too agree this is an entirely appropriate response. Staff need to know what is going on.

MrsBongiovi · 10/06/2021 09:20

But it doesn’t sound like he wants his mum to complain. At 17, that should be respected.

SinkGirl · 10/06/2021 09:21

@Charmatt

He treated her with the contempt she deserved!

Apparently, according to one churchgoers in our village, if we'd gone to church more my son wouldn't be born with ASD, global developmental delay, juvenile myoclonic epilepsy and Fetal Valproate Syndrome - what an unforgiving God, eh?

I’m sure god would have taken a day off from giving babies HIV and malaria to make sure your son was okay, if only you’d been in more often 🙄 Tim Minchin has a great song about this attitude: (Avoid if you dislike strong swearing, or criticism of this sort of attitude!)

I heard that someone I know was using my autistic twins as an example of vaccine damage because they experienced regression... never mind that it happened six months after vaccines. Obviously I no longer have anything to do with them.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 10/06/2021 09:25

Another vote for the absolute appropriateness of your son's response. 👏

Re: whether to put it in writing to the college, I'm not sure. IMO it's a balance between wanting to cover your son in case she decides to complain about him swearing at her, against the fact that at 17 I think if he's fine and saying he doesn't want you to interfere then probably it's better to let him have that autonomy.
I think I'd check again with your son on that basis ("I'm not going to ask the college to do anything, from my perspective you've already dealt with it, but I think they should know what happened in case she decides to complain that you swore at her"), and then go with his wishes.

I'd be really proud of him OP - he sounds fab.

Samcro · 10/06/2021 09:29

i would report it, just to give the college the heads up that this young woman is spouting disablist hate.
well done to your son for telling her to fuck off. sadly not all people with disabilities have a voice.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/06/2021 09:39

@Charmatt I love this one! I'm a big Tim Minchin fan.

Livpool · 10/06/2021 09:43

He was quite restrained in his response in my opinion. What a rude (and very wrong) cow!

My dad's cousin was disabled after catching whooping cough and a priest told the parents it was because a Catholic had married an Anglican. The dad threw him out of the house, after punching him. I always think that was a fair reaction

Underhisi · 10/06/2021 09:43

"They’re both entitled to their opinions and some people hold those beliefs about vaccines and covid etc."

I have taught students that age and comments such as 'you are autistic because your parents did....' would not be regarded as ok in school or college.

Your son's response was reasonable and you can say that he feels he has dealt with it but you would like the incident logged.