Another evening wedding reception one! AIBU?

[MadameQuaver]

I vaguely mentioned this on another thread but thought I'd start my own thread.

DH's friend is getting married in a few months. It's at a very posh, expensive venue in the middle of nowhere, which is about 200 miles from where we (and DH's friend) live.

We have been invited to the evening reception only. DH's other mutual friends are all going all day. The only place to stay overnight is in the hotel at the venue, which is £400 per night. DH wants to attend the reception so we're going to go, and luckily can afford to, but I think it's a bit arrogant and rude to invite someone to the evening reception only when it's so far away. AIBU to think this?

Also, DH is going on both the stag holidays the groom is having. One is in this country next month and the other has been postponed until next year due to Covid but is abroad. Total spend on the holidays alone is 1k and will probably be over 2k with costs there. Plus as it's such a posh wedding we can't turn up empty handed to the reception and will have to give a cash gift.

AIBU to think it all takes the piss?

I didn't think gifts were expected in general for evening only guests.

I think it's rude but I also think it's up to the person whose friend it is to worry about this. If your DH is fine with it, there's no problem.

Also the "stag do" in a years time isn't a cost of the wedding that you are being forced to pay to attend, it's actually a weeks holiday with friends your DH is having. So mentally put the cost under your holidays budget, and if your DH wants to go and it's affordable, that's fine. It's got nothing to do with the wedding.

@FlyNow

I think it's rude but I also think it's up to the person whose friend it is to worry about this. If your DH is fine with it, there's no problem.

Also the "stag do" in a years time isn't a cost of the wedding that you are being forced to pay to attend, it's actually a weeks holiday with friends your DH is having. So mentally put the cost under your holidays budget, and if your DH wants to go and it's affordable, that's fine. It's got nothing to do with the wedding.

Except the expectation on stags is the the guests pay significantly towards the groom's expenses. I bloody wouldn't in this case.

I'd go but not give a gift in these circs. If you do £20 is a reasonable gift for an evening do.

I think your dh is a chump to put up with being B listed.

Also a booked taxi at some expense plus a cheaper hotel room would have been sensible. But as you say you're loaded it doesn't matter.

I'm not poor but I've never paid £400 per night in my life!

@ChocOrange1

Plus as it's such a posh wedding we can't turn up empty handed to the reception and will have to give a cash gift. You don't have to give a gift, how preposterous.

Give them 10-20 x £10 vouchers for different shops.
What a waste of money. Why would you rather spend £200 on a gift they won't want, it will still cost £200 and isn't much of a statement. They won't be thinking "oh they have us loads of high street vouchers, must be a comment on the fact that they had to travel a long way for the wedding"

Sorry that was a joke. I don’t really think the OP should do that!

Except the expectation on stags is the the guests pay significantly towards the groom's expenses. I bloody wouldn't in this case.

Yes fair enough. But that's not always the case and OP hasn't mentioned this specifically. And anyway, it's still a holiday that DH is taking with his friends. If he wants to go and is spending that amount, the question is more is it affordable for your family rather than is it "worth it" in your view. I say just forget worrying and book a holiday for yourself for the same amount.

It's cheeky. Dont go unless you really want to. But why would you.

The stags I can sort of understand if they're really just an excuse for an established friendship group to go on a jolly. But I think it's rude, a bit nasty, even, that all the other men in the friendship group are invited to the whole day ad your DH isn't. I would be questioning that if I were your DH.

I find the whole evening only invite thing kind of rude in general. I'm not sure I think it's much ruder just because you live a long way a way, that seems like an invite for forms sake they expect you to decline rather than the "give me a present" flavour of evening only when you want/expect someone to attend.

If you refuse to go, chances are he won't go without you.
But if you do, no way would I be giving money - what a cheeky expectation.

OP, No wonder you are not impressed.

Could there be a more insulting invitation.

You must be cringing that your husband is so desperate to attend.

He clearly is making up numbers on these stags so they have thrown him a bone of an evening do in the middle of nowhere.

No wonder you are not interested in going.

Have you not tried to explain to your husband what a cringeworthy invitation that is?

He deserves better, you both do.

IMO, you are both making little of yourselves accepting such a rude, half arsed invitation.

I would no more bring a gift.
Let them swing for it.
Rude and insulting.

Someone invited me to an evening reception, I live a flight away and they also invited me clearly as a back up, 2 weeks prior to the event. I thought it was extremely rude and didn't respond even.

“AIBU to think it all takes the piss?”

No, you are not being unreasonable but welcome to modern weddings.

I would say it’s your DH you have the problem with tbh it sounds like he doesn’t even care about the wedding apart from the chance to get bladdered in the evening. The stag do’s are obviously just an excuse to go on a lads night out x 2. Just can’t figure out why he would want to be bothered to travel so far just for an excuse to drink. Don’t they have any pubs near where you live?

Bottle of champagne if evening guest

Evening guests should not be expected to travel.

They would be friends from work or clubs/activities, or if really posh, your tenants. All of whom would be local and come and join in and have a blast.

Those who would need to travel hundreds of miles should be invited properly - ie to the ceremony (definitely) and to the party/parties afterwards.

I know people often do it differently, but that leads to these sorts of dilemmas and I think that's unfortunate.

It sounds like your DH isn't very good friends with the groom and is just going in the Stag parties to have a good jolly abroad with other mates. In which case an evening invite is entirely appropriate and its probably why your DH has absolutely no issue with it at all. He knows he's not close enough for a day invite. Its not your friend, you don't know the dynamic, so it's not up to you to get offended. Youre having a night away in a beautiful hotel. You can afford it. Surely there no reason why you can't just have a great night and enjoy yourself

I’d not be paying to attend a stag/hen do if only an evening guest but I personally really dislike evening only invites so don’t go.
A wedding for me is about making vows so if not seeing that I don’t see any point in going as that’s the point of a wedding.

@MoreAloneTime

I didn't think gifts were expected in general for evening only guests.

I hadn’t heard of this, but am hoping you’re right, it’ll save me a lot of money!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d not be paying to attend a stag/hen do if only an evening guest but I personally really dislike evening only invites so don’t go. A wedding for me is about making vows so if not seeing that I don’t see any point in going as that’s the point of a wedding.

My personal opinion is that it is rude to invite someone to a stag/hen do (especially a weekend or one involving foreign travel) if they are “only” invited to the evening reception. It smacks of inviting you to make up the numbers. If you aren’t close enough to warrant an invitation to the whole daytime reception (Outside of COVID wedding situations) then how come you’re good enough to be invited to another, more expensive, event.

Can you tell I’m still resentful at having paid a lot of money to go on a hen weekend for someone who at the time thought was a close friend, only to find out afterwards that I was only invited to the evening reception?

If it had been made clear that I was only invited to the evening do (it was misrepresented by the happy couple) I wouldn’t have spent the money/travelled that far/taken time off work.

If I were the OP’s DH I wouldn’t attend TWO stag dos when I am only invited to the evening reception.

If I am ever invited to another hen weekend, it’ll have to be for a really good friend and I’ll double-check my invitation before I accept!

This wouldn't bother me, it's an invitation that can be declined if you don't want to go. After planning 2 weddings that have both been cancelled due to pandemic, I don't think I'll ever make a judgement about what parts of a wedding I am/am not invited to again. I have 14 aunts/uncles and 16 first cousins, who mostly have partners so my immediate family takes up a lot of guests, as does my partner's.

Pre-pandemic we were invited to a friend's evening do only, which was a couple of hours travel away. Our friends were honest that they had limited numbers for the meal reception due to capacity. We decided to go and make a little holiday out of it.

Maybe they can't afford to have loads of guests during the day. If they've fallen in love with an expensive venue that they want to get married in, should they go cheaper to fit more guests in?

I do think stag/hen did have got a bit extravagant and are often more of an excuse to have a holiday. My hen is abroad but there will just be 5 of us going, me and my bridesmaids. It was also their decision to go abroad so wasn't any pressure to spend money.

You can say no, you could also book a cheaper hotel, nowhere in Britain is that remote! (But that means not drinking if you need to drive to your hotel).