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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another evening wedding reception one! AIBU?

96 replies

MadameQuaver · 09/06/2021 20:37

I vaguely mentioned this on another thread but thought I'd start my own thread.

DH's friend is getting married in a few months. It's at a very posh, expensive venue in the middle of nowhere, which is about 200 miles from where we (and DH's friend) live.

We have been invited to the evening reception only. DH's other mutual friends are all going all day. The only place to stay overnight is in the hotel at the venue, which is £400 per night. DH wants to attend the reception so we're going to go, and luckily can afford to, but I think it's a bit arrogant and rude to invite someone to the evening reception only when it's so far away. AIBU to think this?

Also, DH is going on both the stag holidays the groom is having. One is in this country next month and the other has been postponed until next year due to Covid but is abroad. Total spend on the holidays alone is 1k and will probably be over 2k with costs there. Plus as it's such a posh wedding we can't turn up empty handed to the reception and will have to give a cash gift.

AIBU to think it all takes the piss?

OP posts:

Pepsimirror · 09/06/2021 22:02

Will you be getting dinner at the reception?

omgthepain · 09/06/2021 22:03

Am I missing something here?

If your partner is a close
Enough friend for the stag do's at vast expense I would say the least they should do is invite you all day.

I personally wouldn't be very happy regardless of whether I could afford it - I think that's extremely rude especially as other people in the friendship group are invited all day

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 22:03

Why buy the drinks there? Get checked in and get loaded in your room with stuff you bring in.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 22:04

@Pepsimirror

Will you be getting dinner at the reception?

Well, no because they're only invited to the evening do.

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2021 22:06

Staying in a flash hotel, having a few drinks, sounds awful

DPotter · 09/06/2021 22:08

Re dinner
make sure you can actually have dinner at the hotel separate from the wedding reception. You don't want to be miles from anywhere with no way of getting a meal

I agree with you OP about extended stag / hen dos abroad

Pepsimirror · 09/06/2021 22:15

I really don’t understand evening do’s. Why would anyone travel all the way, pay for an outfit, travel costs etc.....to just have some drinks and maybe a dance? I’m from a different culture, and guests are invited for dinner at least. Once my parents got invited to a friends sons wedding. They assumed they’d be getting dinner. Instead they walked in with other guests having a proper sit down meal. Just standing there with the other evening do guests. Of course they bought a present for the couple too.

Dora33 · 09/06/2021 22:22

If your husband is the only one from their group of friends who hasnt been invited to the full wedding, I would definitely decline. For your husband & you to be the only ones excluded is bad form.
Also apart from this, everyone else will have been partying and drinking from during the day. You would be coming in much later and will have missed out.
The evening invites I have gone to have been with /without my husband / but I would have been part of a group of people that also received evening invites. Sometimes family members and other times groups of friends or work colleagues. So I sat with them. I would be uncomfortable turning up and joining in with full day invite group.
If it a a posh hotel, would they still be sitting at their table and have room for you to sit with them.
So even if I could afford the hotel, I wouldn't go.

StoneofDestiny · 09/06/2021 22:24

If your DH wants to go and pay that amount for a nights drinking I guess that's his choice but it's always amazing how much other peoples wedding ends up costing the guests. Certainly I'd decline on this occasion as the groom clearly isn't such a close friend.

Intercity225 · 09/06/2021 22:26

I’d refuse to go! One of DH’s cousins invited us just to the evening do; but our children were not invited - 160 miles from where we live. Given the whole extended family were invited, there was nobody we could ask to babysit! We just couldn’t go!

helpmum2003 · 09/06/2021 22:32

I wouldn't go.

Unfortunately I agree that your DH is being badly treated by someone who clearly views the friendship on a different level.

Charbead49 · 09/06/2021 22:34

Really strange you are focusing on the distance of the venue. It's definitely more disrespectful that they invited someone on a stag who isn't at the actual wedding day!

BrownEyedGirl80 · 09/06/2021 22:35

200 miles away? That's taking the piss

randomkey123 · 09/06/2021 22:42

I'd be too embarrassed to go, I'd imagine they were expecting you to decline given the distance. Why on earth would your DH still want to go when you'll be turning up at the end of the day when everyone is pissed and talking about the day you've missed...............

AvantGardening · 09/06/2021 22:52

In 40 years I’ve been invited to the hen do but not the wedding twice.

Once was an elopement. The couple wanted to be married before kids but a death in the immediate family meant they weren’t comfortable with a ‘wedding’. We (the hens) organised and surprised the bride with a pre elopement night of dinner, drinks and dancing.

The second was a wedding with only immediate family. Again for family reasons the wedding itself was small. The bride was extremely upfront when inviting us to her (very modest) hen.

The stag do’s and non invites are incredibly rude.

DrManhattan · 09/06/2021 23:13

Maybe they thought you would decline, now it's going to be awkward

Summerdayshaze · 09/06/2021 23:18

Absolutely preposterous. I’d never spend £3k on stag dos and hundreds on an evening reception. Especially seeing as one stag do is enough, the other one is AFTER the wedding. The wedding your DH ISN’T EVEN INVITED TO!

You must have money to burn.

BackforGood · 09/06/2021 23:18

YABU.
It is not unreasonable to invite someone.

What I probably wouldn't do, is accept

It seems there are quite a few people on MN who seem to think that an invitation to something is some sort of legal summons.

Sometimes it works out that people get married back where they grew up, and invitees might combine it with returning to see family. Other times it is a nice place and people might choose to visit that part of the country for a holiday. If it were literally for a party, then my finances (nor time commitment) wouldn't let me justify it to myself, so I'd thank them, but say no thanks, and wish them well.

Same with the stag do(s) .
In essence, your dh has been invited to an expensive lads holiday. If you can afford it, and he wants to go and you don't mind, then I can't get worked up about whether only people who are invited to the full day of the wedding are allowed to go. A lot of people don't see it like that. It is just a 'hook' to hang a 'lads holiday' on. They don't care if they are going to the ceremony.

Newchances · 09/06/2021 23:20

@MadameQuaver

The hotel has been booked and paid for now, anyway. It does look like a lovely hotel and I'm sure I'll enjoy staying there. We can easily afford it. It's just the principle of the whole thing....

I'd phone the hotel and change the date,go away for a nice break when you can enjoy the hotel,the room etc.

You're paying a hefty price for something you don't want to do.

bloodyhell19 · 09/06/2021 23:20

I'd agree with @DrManhattan that they have given you an evening only invite for a place 200 miles away in the hopes you'd turn it down... I think it's especially weird and very very rude that he is the only one out of their friends not invited to the whole thing? Does this not strike him as odd? You've booked the room now so it makes no odds but I would consider the level of friendship in future.

finished31 · 09/06/2021 23:27

Let's hope Boris says no to big weddings and you don't go. so it gets cancelled

Maybe it's you they don't like OP. You sound lovey btw.

JorisBonson · 09/06/2021 23:29

Sorry but what stags cost that much? Are they high rolling in Monaco? None of the abroad hens I've ever been to have cost that much.

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 10/06/2021 01:25

@3Britnee

Or, I would but I'd think of a present that somehow costs them money.

These aren't cheeky fuckers, these are fucking cheeky cunts.

Give them 10-20 x £10 vouchers for different shops. Ideally for places that are declining on the high streets like Debenhams.

ChocOrange1 · 10/06/2021 03:41

Plus as it's such a posh wedding we can't turn up empty handed to the reception and will have to give a cash gift.
You don't have to give a gift, how preposterous.

Give them 10-20 x £10 vouchers for different shops.
What a waste of money. Why would you rather spend £200 on a gift they won't want, it will still cost £200 and isn't much of a statement. They won't be thinking "oh they have us loads of high street vouchers, must be a comment on the fact that they had to travel a long way for the wedding"

Original poster

MadameQuaver · 10/06/2021 17:52

@ChocOrange1

Plus as it's such a posh wedding we can't turn up empty handed to the reception and will have to give a cash gift. You don't have to give a gift, how preposterous.

Of course we have to give a gift. I'm guessing that's probably why we've been invited!

OP posts:

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