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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or sh

75 replies

ZacsGirl · 09/06/2021 20:00

A friend of mine married her partner 3 year ago, at the time he was staying in England on a work Visa.

They married and applied for permanent stay for him but it was refused as he had overstayed his visa. He was deported back and she worked night and day to reapply for him to show that she was financially secure to support him. They were even told that having a child would help their case, which they tried, unsuccessfully. The paperwork was put through and he was allowed to come back on a permanent basis and now has British citizenship. They then had a child pretty much straight after he came back.

My friend has been on maternity leave for the past year and has now said that she will only go back a few weeks to pay off the maternity leave then leave work. She said her plan is to leave work and apply for benefits. She has on numerous occasions asked me for advice on how to claim as I have previously worked as an advisor in this field.

They have just brought a house, and are doing it up with money that have borrowed and taken out a loan too. It grates me that she genuinely thinks its acceptable to have this mindset. That others will pay for her and her family.

Aibu or should I just help her?

OP posts:

ProbablyProbing · 09/06/2021 22:16

It's very odd that you've opened this post with "a friend" when she's very clearly not a friend considering how nasty you are about how many aspects of her life.
The whole visa story is entirely irrelevant so I assume you've only mentioned it to create some kind of anti-immigrant frothing to tell you awful this woman and her (either brown or Polish or with an accent) DH is. I'm also fairly sure you've missed something here because it doesn't make sense - he doesn't get British Citizenship based on her income, and he needs to have lived in the UK for three years continuously prior to application (but after marriage) to get citizenship (which takes 6 months to process). So, if they married three years ago and then he was deported there's almost no chance he has citizenship now (especially considering the Covid delays).
Yeah, it's pretty shitty that she's intentionally going onto benefits but that's what tonnes of people do - it's a drop in the ocean really. Considering that childcare is extortionately priced in comparison to most jobs, it's the only thing that makes sense to most people. Many people return from maternity leave and after salary deductions and childcare there's not enough left to cover work clothes and commuting cost. Can you really blame her for choosing to spend time with her child instead of working if it's the same amount of money in the bank?Presumably if her DH were able to secure a work visa here then he's fairly highly skilled and if they've just purchased a house then clearly he earns a decent amount - so I doubt she'll get much by way of benefits anyway.
Taking out a loan isn't expecting someone else to pay for her - she'll have to pay it back.
I'm not sure why you've decided to get so angry about this but it's not really a big deal or your place to judge. I personally think she's wrong to quit work and live off other people but that's up to her - and she's barely getting anything on benefits anyway.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2021 22:19

Yes because it’s that easy to have a great life funded by benefits

Shitfuckcommaetc · 09/06/2021 22:22

Do benifits pay your mortgage now too?
Sweet! I'll fuck off work tomorrow then

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 09/06/2021 22:27

Definitely not the right way to go about things in my opinion. lf she's fit and able, and has chosen to have a baby, then she should either be financially supported by her DH, or go to work like others do. Benefits weren't brought in to help people like this, they're meant for people who can't find work, or can't support themselves because they are ill. It honestly disgusts me to hear stories like this, and sadly, all too often the authorities spend time trying to work out ways to cut the benefits of genuine claimants, rather than catching out those that are working the system. Makes my blood boil!

Suzi888 · 09/06/2021 22:29

She will be living on universal credit, it’s not rocket science!! can’t she work out how to claim by herself? She will probably be entitled to more if she works part time.

User52739 · 09/06/2021 22:30

This post has more dog whistles than crufts

Newkitchen123 · 09/06/2021 22:31

To my knowledge benefits don't pay your mortgage. If you don't pay your mortgage you lose your house
Something doesn't add up here

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/06/2021 22:41

This has all the usual hallmarks of being a goady thread.

PixieDust28 · 09/06/2021 22:43

Sorry what's the visa got to do with anything?

This is very outing and if this person reads this forum they're going to know it's about them.

Benefit life isn't all glammed up as people think. Maybe she can't afford child care so will go on benefits until she can return to work. People do what they need to do. Unfortunately, many aren't high earners with our stupidly over priced childcare wages do not cover it. That doesn't mean someone shouldn't become a parent when there is help out there.

Be a bit kinder.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2021 22:47

You were an advisor for claiming benefits? Sure, sure.

Your first two paragraphs are irrelevant, as well you know. HTH.

LawnFever · 09/06/2021 22:49

None of this makes any sense, benefits won’t pay the mortgage, a loan needs repaying so is irrelevant and how lots of people pay for renovations & the visa has nothing to do with anything.

You really should’ve thought your story through better - this is just nonsense

Original poster

ZacsGirl · 09/06/2021 22:50

@ProbablyProbing

I felt it was relevant which was why I added the background information, I certainly didn't do it to create an 'anti-immigrant frothing' like you say, and also I myself am 'brown'.

Her husband isn't a skilled worker, he is actually a low earner. He has numerous jobs which are cash in hand mostly. I totally agree that childcare fees are extortionate, however she currently pays for someone to come to her house to look after her child, even though she cant really afford this option. The house was brought with borrowed money from their family.

Im getting miffed because she only ever calls me when she wants to ask me something. I have been a good friend to her despite what you may think.

OP posts:

PixieDust28 · 09/06/2021 22:52

So he's a low earner, but she basically has nanny...

Marshmallow91 · 09/06/2021 22:56

OH MA GUUUURD IMMIGRANTS AND BENEFIT SCROUNGERS?!?!?

OK now I've said it, please stop talking utter nonsense.

I bet her husband kills kittens for a living too.

And FYI benefits will only pay the interest on your mortgage, it won't pay any of the loan amount.

Original poster

ZacsGirl · 09/06/2021 22:57

My gripe is the fact she was ok to work her ass off to bring her husband here, working day and night. Now that her husband is here she has openly said she is going to be a lady of leisure and she has told her husband to pick up even more hours.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 09/06/2021 22:58

Visa is irrelevant.

Friend borrows money from family and goes on universal credit.

That it isn't it? Not a particularly fascinating story - just somebody making different life choices to yours.

Notonthestairs · 09/06/2021 22:58

Why is this anything to do with you?

Original poster

ZacsGirl · 09/06/2021 23:05

@Notonthestairs

Because she bloody calls and messages all the time asking dumb questions like what fridge, sofa, rug, blah blah blah do I have because she wants the same

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2021 23:06

Oooh this thread has it all.

Immigration, over-staying, money borrowing, maternity leave, benny-fits, bringing their new house house everywhere they go...

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2021 23:10

@WorraLiberty

Oooh this thread has it all.

Immigration, over-staying, money borrowing, maternity leave, benny-fits, bringing their new house house everywhere they go...

I dunno. I think we need an untrained dog in there too.

Shamoo · 09/06/2021 23:10

Well he absolutely does not have British Citizenship if your facts are remotely accurate, does he?

Hawkins001 · 09/06/2021 23:13

Unless I'm mistaken, you cannot just quit then claim uc, ?

Notonthestairs · 09/06/2021 23:18

YABU.

Gazelda · 09/06/2021 23:22

So she fell in love. Married the man. He didn't have permission to stay, but they eventually overcame the situation and are now settled happily with a baby. She plans to be a SAHM.

I don't get what she's done wrong or what you're miffed about.

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/06/2021 23:42

Do you actually want to be this woman's friend? Do you want to continue with this relationship. There is a third option - to walk away from the friendship.

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