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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate myself so much for oversharing when drunk?

61 replies

Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 12:50

For some reason, when I drink around people I don't normally socialise with (neighbours for example, whom we may socialise with once a year), I have a tendency to drastically overshare once I've had a few wines. I'll talk about any amount of shit from relationships to the struggles i have with motherhood and drag the mood down, in particular with one neighbour who I seem to have a strange need to feel validated by (no idea why).

I dont have many close friends who I share things with and I tend to keep any issues between me and DH to myself normally.

Why am I only doing this with certain people? How can I stop the intense feelings of shame and embarrassment over this?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 09/06/2021 13:04

When was the last time it happened? If it was recent, I'd probably go with a lighthearted apology. If it was a while ago, then I'd just try and put it out of your mind and bear in mind everyone else was presumably drunk as well!

For the future, it sounds like you need to avoid drinking with them, or at least until you've soberly heard all their drunken confessions and leveled the playing field!

idontlikealdi · 09/06/2021 13:06

Bear fear!

isn't that what most people do when they're drunk?

Cam2020 · 09/06/2021 13:08

Do certain drinks make you more maudlin (or just pissed lol)? Some drinks have that effect on people - wine definitely does for me. I'm fine if i stick to gin or rum.

Not that that helps with the embarrassment, but might spare you next time!

ohnoisaid2much · 09/06/2021 13:08

in particular with one neighbour who I seem to have a strange need to feel validated by (no idea why).

I think it's worth saying well done on being self aware enough to identify this as part of the issue.
Perhaps see if you can speak with a professional about your self image and need for validation and also if that affects your lack of close friendships?

If you can't access or afford that type of help maybe try a few self help books?

Original poster
Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 13:09

It was recent, I've seen her since briefly and all was fine, I don't think she'd ever say anything. I just have distinct flashbacks to her sort of feeling sorry for me and giving me a pity hug, and it makes me extremely embarrassed as she never really shares anything about herself in that way.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 09/06/2021 13:10

If you don't have many close friends to share things with then maybe it's building up and that's why you overshare when drunk?
I'd just drink less around these people if it's causing you embarrassment.
Overshare on here instead Grin

IdblowJonSnow · 09/06/2021 13:12

Your neighbour sounds pleasant. Why not see it as a warm, understanding hug rather than a 'pity' hug.

And maybe drink a bit less! Wink

Many people get pissed and over share OP. Try not to worry too much.

Original poster
Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 13:14

@ohnoisaid2much thank you.

I do feel that possibly my lack of sharing generally leads to a pent up need for connection with people, and then I have a drink and let it all out and the cycle repeats itself, because now I'm embarrassed again and don't want to talk.

I'm never mean or angry, I just seem to go a bit woe-is-me which is completely not how I am when sober in a group. It's very frustrating and I feel it sabotages my efforts to build more meaningful connections with people.

OP posts:
MultitudinousSeasIncarnadine · 09/06/2021 13:22

I often have this fear after nights out with friends too OP. I don't even think I do give away that much, but I wake up in the night in an absolute panic that I might have, and end up obsessively going over and over the evening, trying to remember exactly what was said.

The last time it happened was a few weeks ago, after a really low key post-lockdown drink with a couple of friends. Nothing wild or revealing (and I only had half a bottle of wine!) but afterwards I had that feeling I'd revealed more than I wanted to. The self-loathing was enough for me to actually take a step back from alcohol and I'm now happily experimenting with all the alcohol-free options available and really not missing booze at all.

The funny thing is I don't think I have a drinking problem at all otherwise. I never get drunk drunk and rarely drink enough to get a hangover the next day. Just The Fear, but that's bad enough for me to rethink my habits. I'm done with it.

ChangePart1 · 09/06/2021 13:27

Urgh, I do this.

Also on facebook. After a few drinks I'm likely to share a sad song and some emotional stuff, then regret it the next day and delete it.

The solution really is to not drink if you can't avoid the oversharing. That's my solution anyway. I'm not teetotal but I limit myself to one drink and only occasionally, maybe once every couple of months. Went to a wedding over the weekend and it was such a lovely feeling to go home at 11pm sober knowing I'd had some lovely conversations, remembered everything, and didn't have to worry if I'd made a bit of a tit of myself.

One of my friends got absolutely hammered, sat at the table nodding off upright during the speeches, disappearing into the toilets for half an hour at a time, slurring and stumbling around. It really throws a glass of cold water over you when you're sober and see someone drunk. It's just not worth it.

Tooshytoshine · 09/06/2021 13:29

I really wouldn't worry about it. Your neighbour is probably a sympathetic ear and has had many people unburden their hearts to her. It won't be her first rodeo and a conversation is two way - you can draw somebody out or shut them down, and she drew you out.

She hugged you because she likes you, when your guard was down you felt comfortable enough with her to be vulnerable. She also wasn't sober as a judge.

Friendships have germinated in more barren land. Be friendly, say it was a nice evening and try to remember things she said to you, as I would guess she also revealed personal stuff.

ohnoisaid2much · 09/06/2021 13:29

I just seem to go a bit woe-is-me which is completely not how I am when sober in a group. It's very frustrating and I feel it sabotages my efforts to build more meaningful connections with people.

Maybe don't judge yourself so harshly? It may be something you want to change but it's not the end of the world or the worst thing a person can do/be

If anything, when I've met people who are like this I've found them refreshingly open especially as I can be very guarded myself.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 09/06/2021 13:30

In those situations they must also be drinking so they probably don’t think much of it and I’ve actually found that at times drunken confessions have helped develop a relationship

Mellonsprite · 09/06/2021 13:32

@shouldistop

If you don't have many close friends to share things with then maybe it's building up and that's why you overshare when drunk? I'd just drink less around these people if it's causing you embarrassment. Overshare on here instead Grin
Excellent post ^

Don’t drink with that neighbour and project an image of self confidence and pleasantness to try and dislodge your drunken memories.

ZaraW · 09/06/2021 13:50

If you say things you are embarrassed about drink less?

I had a friend who overshared everything including pretty detailed stories about her very adventurous sex life. She was never embarrassed though, even when I asked her to stop.

Original poster
Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 15:25

It seems to only be when I am in a particular type of company that I do it, like if I am with people I feel inferior to, or something.
Then when I am with friends or those I feel I have more in common with, I don't do it at all and we have a few drinks and a great laugh. I just feel crippled with shame and embarrassment because I know that's not what I'm really like.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 09/06/2021 15:42

Really don’t worry! I’ve done this on many occasions. I always tend to do it with people I don’t know all that well. It’s like you open the floodgates of life and it all spills out…
I don’t think it’s that un normal. I’ve also had people do it to me!

Original poster
Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 17:10

@Taliskerskye I suppose it's not too un normal but at the same time I feel it leaves my confidence very low, and to think I may have said things about people close to me or my DH I feel I've left myself exposed to judgement.

OP posts:
Exhausted4ever · 09/06/2021 17:20

So surely you just drink less? Problem solved

abstractprojection · 09/06/2021 17:22

I’ve done this a lot and use to torture myself for weeks afterwards.

I’ve only just thought about this now but I’ve not felt this was since a break up and threaphy, I was extremely tightly wound beforehand. I still get drunk but don’t have the same outpouring or regret about what I do say

BillyIsMyBunny · 09/06/2021 17:58

I do the same. With certain friends, especially my work colleagues, I find myself repeatedly sharing past traumas and other difficulties from my past whenever I am drunk. I don’t do this with my longest-running friend group (who I feel very secure with) but with newer friendships or people I don’t know that well it feels like once I’ve had a few drinks I always start to feel very sad and start to share all of the stories of my past where I’ve fallen victim to something difficult. I really don’t know why I do it but I definitely wake up feeling shameful the next morning at all of the overstating I’ve done. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice or explanation for it but you’re not alone.

socalledfriend · 09/06/2021 17:59

If you know you do this, and that it makes you so unhappy afterwards, then why do you drink?

Original poster
Broodylou16 · 09/06/2021 18:07

@socalledfriend I am not a regular drinker at all, I have a beer here and there maybe with a meal but rarely go all out socialising. Maybe it's the fact that it was daytime drinking that extended into the evening and was just beyond my tolerance. I was the first to decide to leave and I'm sure plenty of others were in far worse states by the end but I'm just embarrassed, plain and simple. I can't un-say the things that I said (nor can I fully remember them), and it makes me feel worthless that I would unload information of that nature to a neighbour, who now might think me relationship is shit, I'm somehow troubled or have a lot of baggage or god knows what.

OP posts:
socalledfriend · 09/06/2021 18:23

I totally understand that OP but you say it's not a one off, so I just wondered, like other posters, why you drink if it doesn't really suit you?

On the surface there is a simple resolution to make sure this doesn't happen again........

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 09/06/2021 18:25

Think you should start with the getting drunk bit if you want to change anything. Can't wrap my head round why adults think this is normal/cool.

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