To hate myself so much for oversharing when drunk?

[Broodylou16]

For some reason, when I drink around people I don't normally socialise with (neighbours for example, whom we may socialise with once a year), I have a tendency to drastically overshare once I've had a few wines. I'll talk about any amount of shit from relationships to the struggles i have with motherhood and drag the mood down, in particular with one neighbour who I seem to have a strange need to feel validated by (no idea why).

I dont have many close friends who I share things with and I tend to keep any issues between me and DH to myself normally.

Why am I only doing this with certain people? How can I stop the intense feelings of shame and embarrassment over this?

@RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper like I said, I drink very rarely. My tolerance is very low and I wouldn't drink nearly as much as others in the same evening. The last time I feel I overshared and felt this embarrassed was nearly 2 years ago, and it still makes me feel awfully ashamed when I see the person, even though they have never mentioned it or given me any indication that they are judging.
I suppose I am trying to figure out where this comes from, and why it happens with people I am no as familiar with. It is stopping me from establishing new friendships as I feel I am not good enough to have meaningful relationships with people.
I did not have the easiest childhood and had to keep a lot of things hidden from my friends, teachers etc. which I'm sure must play a role in this somehow.

Don’t drink with that neighbour and project an image of self confidence and pleasantness to try and dislodge your drunken memories

: @Mellonsprite I think my self confidence/self esteem is probably the root issue in the first place, probably has been for a long time, which perpetuates the cycle of desperate need for validation thus the drunk oversharing for connection. I probably project less of an an image of self confidence and more of like a false ability to socialise naturally
I wonder is it a means of self sabotage sometimes.

@Broodylou16

Don’t drink with that neighbour and project an image of self confidence and pleasantness to try and dislodge your drunken memories

: @Mellonsprite I think my self confidence/self esteem is probably the root issue in the first place, probably has been for a long time, which perpetuates the cycle of desperate need for validation thus the drunk oversharing for connection. I probably project less of an an image of self confidence and more of like a false ability to socialise naturally
I wonder is it a means of self sabotage sometimes.

I understand, try not to beat yourself up now, it’s done. Think of how you can avoid it next time. Although I’m the worst person ever for crucifying myself after the event though!

It is no crime to socialise without alcohol. Make up a reason not to drink if it helps.

Some people may say it's no big deal, but I have a neighbour and a SIL who do this and it's absolutely cringe worthy. They prattle on and on and on about things they definitely should not be sharing, and all I can do is figure out my quickest way to exit the situation. If you can't handle alcohol, don't drink.

Op try not to overthink things too much. I think a lot of us worry about over sharing when we've had a few drinks, myself included.
I once went to a christening where someone twerked in front of the priest.... now that's something to be embarrassed about

I do this too with people I don’t know. I sometimes wonder if it’s because at the time in a slightly addled state I feel like sharing things will make us close and I’d really like for them to like me. Whereas in reality it makes people run for the hills!

I have a tendency to this.
DH and I took a decision that we would only go over 2 alcoholic drinks when we were alone together. It works very well. Two drinks is usually enough for me to pluck up the courage for a dance, and to appreciate a ribald story, but not enough for me to start dropping clangers, betraying confidences and talking about my breasts.
Now we enjoy waking up the morning after the night before and having a good giggle at those who got pissed and overshared.
Then we get pissed, overshare, do a two-person conga down the garden and moony at each other.

@Clandestinekitten it's so strange, isn't it. I hate the deep rooted constant need for validation and to feel good enough to be in people's company, it clearly rises to the top after a few too many wines and suddenly it seems ideal to share all my deepest issues, good lord. In reality I keep a lot to myself and always have done, so dealing with the fallout of some of the things I may have revealed is honestly making me want to disappear!!

I do this or I used to. Before that I did even worse.
Now what I do is set out rules for myself before I go out and say that to myself a few times.

Mine were

'Don't talk about crimes to people' !
'Don't fall over'

Then more recently

' stay happy, don't talk about abuse'

Sad I know, but it works for me. Something in the back of my head says 'stop!'

Also always remember to have a piece of bread and a pint of water before you go to bed

@FlorencenotRatchet

Op try not to overthink things too much. I think a lot of us worry about over sharing when we've had a few drinks, myself included. I once went to a christening where someone twerked in front of the priest.... now that's something to be embarrassed about

Hilarious!

You're right though, most people will be more concerned about themselves and how they've come across than anything you're doing

Haha, I overshare without alcohol 🤣🤣

I used to do this. I don't drink any more and its a relief to know I haven't been running my mouth all evening

I've given up drinking for 27 days now.

No hangovers, no regrets the next morning, no alcohol induced depression. Amazing.

Ah I know exactly this feeling, my hangiety is always so brutal even when I’ve been out with my friends of 20+ years let alone acquaintances!

@giftidea
Good work

[quote DrManhattan]@giftidea
Good work [/quote]
Thank you, you too!

I did this all the time when I drank. I would make up stuff too just to shock whoever I was talking to. It is how I met my husband. Needless to say, that behaviour doesn't always end in marriage and I gave up booze 3 years ago. Life has never been so good.

@sobercuriouskind I don't think I told any lies but I'm quite sure I seemed very hurt over what I was discussing, mostly related to my relationship I think. They know my DH as well of course so I'm a bit guilt ridden that they may have a negative view of him now as a consequence to my sharing information which should not have been shared in those drunken circumstances.

After a lot of introspection I realised why I was doing it OP. It’s embarrassing but in that drunk frame of mind I wanted to impress. I would over share avoid deep emotional issues I’d been through because I wanted the person to think ‘wow, she’s so strong!’, I wanted validation of the pain I’d been through if that makes sense. I would end up sharing stuff about loss and grief because I thought in a twisted way it painted me as strong, worldly and experienced.

I recommend really being honest and trying to work out why you do this. When I realised this I could tell myself what others thought of me didn’t matter and whether anyone else knew these things or not it didn’t change that I’d been through them?

I'd say treat the cause as well as the symptom. Stopping getting that drunk will help but surely in the long run you do need to face up to the root issues. So that you can deal with them & move on & not feel the need to expose yourself for validation & reassurance?

One solution
Stop drinking!

If you know you have a problem regulating yourself in certain situations coupled with a low tolerance for alcohol just don't drink.

I feel for you because it's embarrassing, but all you can control is what you do in future. Going back to explain is just weird, don't do that. I used to get sad and over-share when I drank wine, so now I don't drink wine. I used to get forgetful when I drank vodka, so now I don't drink vodka. Beer is fine, I drink beer. Have a pint of water every now and then too.

I feel you, OP. I do this all the time and wake up with terrible anxiety the next day.