Can I really tell people how MIL makes me feel or is it petty?

[wearenearlythere1]

I really struggle seeing my MIL in a group. Although we get on ok 1:1 in a group I feel like she is always comparing me to my SIL's and it is the kind of comparison I will never win. It wears down my self esteem and I leave the interaction feeling rubbish.

I decided years ago that I wasn't going to go out of my way to accommodate MIL I would set my boundaries hard. If it suited me to see her I would, for example if she visits I am super host. I gave up sending her birthday cards and Mother's Day cards. However When my DH called her and maybe have a nice chat with her. I have no problem with him taking the kids to visit her but don't bother going more than 50% of the time.

Recently my SIL has tried to arrange things for our two families +MIL. I just want to avoid because I know it will make me feel rubbish and excluded. AIBU to tell SIL will she think I am petty? Does it put her in an awkward spot? I know she will say it is MIL's personality and she is elderly/ lonely after covid.

It's good that you have created boundaries and have stuck to it. I think it will put your Sil in an awkward position as she will have the knowledge of this and won't be able to do anything with it. Why don't you go and call her out on it loudly if she tries her put downs? She might be elderly but that is no excuse for letting her get away with things.

I think you can be honest with your SIL without being brutal about her mum. Emphasise how she makes you feel rather than do a character assassination.

Once you’ve said how you feel, don’t engage in a long argument or discussion about it. If your SIL tries to persuade you, just repeat “no, thank you” or something similar.

@Zari29

If it was wildly obvious things I would do that but it usually isn't. It is more things like she compliments SIL on how great her kids look all dressed up but says nothing about mine. She goes over and cuts up food for her favoured grandson, let's call him max but ignores mine. We took her on holiday last year and whatever she bought my DS's she had to buy the same for max.... never in her life has she done this when she bought max a present. Would it not sound hugely petty to point this out?

Honestly I wouldn't. I'd be aloof and 'busy' and let your husband deal with it all.

Definitely point it out to her .
My mil does similar and her family make excuses for her and act like it's not happening .Unfortunately I've had enough of the snide digs aimed at me and started to call her out .
Last time this happened she actually had a tantrum like a toddler and we were in public .

Yes it would

How well do you get on with SIL? I think it would sound petty, and as PP said could put SIL in a difficult position.

Personally I would let SIL crack on send your husband with the kids and join 50% or the time (for event dodging go for last minute excuse and a you go on without me)

Also while it is annoying you need to develop a thicker skin. Honestly.
It's her daughter, mine thinks i am A-mazing and marvellous and wonderful.... and and and...
You by your own admission "manage contact" (I do this with mine so no judgement) but if you do this you cant expect her to fall over herself to be your BFF. she is at best going to have tepid feelings.

If you want get some stock phrases
Mil: oh DD you look lovely.
You: yes you do, so do you Mil. In fact, everyone looks lovely. It's nice to dress up once in a while isn't it?

The Max thing is hugely petty to point out.

Maybe I'm a Narc 🤷‍♀️ but in my mind I'd assume max was a simpleton and my excellent genes produced a child with superior motor skills

I'm sure your SIL knows exactly what her DM is like. She's doing a nice thing by trying to organise family events, it's fine to say no but don't put her in the middle by talking about MIL - it's not fair on her.

@LivingLaVidaCovid

I used to fall over myself for her and she actually treated it me with less respect then than she does now. Her daughter is on a pedestal and does very little. The SIL a I refer to is actually married to DH's brother. I watched her fight for recognition and she will only ever be second division. When you consider the ROI I really don't think there is much difference between where I sit and where SIL sits. She is a much better person than me, so nice. I wish she would stop trying to schedule me hanging out with MIL.

@rookiemere

This is what I think. I do feel it is hard for her being an organiser of an event I will never want to attend. I feel bad cancelling on SIL a because she is such a lively person

For an easy life, I wouldn't bring it up. By involving others you risk it becoming a bigger issue than it already is for you. Just keep your distance as you've been doing.

Do you sew SILs and the wider family? I wouldn't avoid everyone for the sake of MIL.

Why don't you tell dh and ask him to take children without you. Should keep your boundaries and allow most family to catch up together.

I have a rude Aunt, I am very good at being in her company and seeing anything rude she says as a reflection on her rather than letting it get to me. Just an internal eye roll and ffs. Then move on. Wouldn't miss out on seeing cousins and their kids over it though.

I think people on here are right. Just don't say anything and make life awkward for anyone else. I was coming from a place that it would be frustrating to keep suggesting stuff and have a flaky person on the other side of it.

I don't get why DH can't do the socialising with his family and you just have a prior engagement

Just tell SIL that DH and kids would love to come but you can't and repeat until she gets the message.

Or if you like her but not MIL then arrange to meet up with her and her family and don't invite MIL.

I don't much like my MIL and she used to constantly compare me negatively to her own daughter but I stopped caring about her opinion and now she has no power over me. It's very freeing. I realised that she is not a better parent or person than I am so why should I give her opinions any credit.

I avoid seeing her if I can. If I have to and she makes negative comments or comparisons about my kids or is a bad example to them then I call her out on it every time. DH says she is a bit afraid of me. I say fine. No-one gets to express racist opinions in my house or around my kids or make them feel bad about themselves. If that makes me unpopular to hold that line then so be it.

Don't do it I'm the sil in this my sil did this to me and it soured my relationship with my mother and her .

@Sally872

We do see the wider family as they live close. On occasions MIL a will come especially now with vaccinations are being rolled out. DH and kids visit MIL but he finds it exhausting so doesn't go often.

Just since the easing of the lockdown I think SIL is trying to make sure MIL isn't lonely so is trying to organise lots of things. She is a very good person I hate to mess her about. I was thinking of saying to her that I don't feel that resilient at the moment myself and just not able for MIL.

You’re making this all about your feelings of being snubbed and life’s too short for such petty nonsense.

Can’t you accept that your MIL isn’t perfect and then join in with the rest of the family?

Your SIL hasn’t done anything wrong and is trying to arrange nice events for the sake of family harmony. Not attending makes you seem rude and isn’t fair on her.

All this bollocks about boundaries and calling people out is pathetic. She’s not a monster. So what if she loves Max more? Does it really matter? If you didn’t focus on looking out for problems, you’d be so much happier.

So the SiL that you're talking about that is trying to arrange all of these meetings and including your MiL is actually the wife of your DH's brother, so she married into the family too then?

You could say to this woman that you have no objection to meeting up with her and your BiL and their children. If MiL is invited, you just start refusing those invites, only accept the ones where she isn't. Your DH can bring the children to see their grandmother without you but you don't want to be so involved with those visits. Show up when you want to show up. No one is forcing you to be there.

@Killahangilion

I hear you and there is an element of me thinking that myself. I just know every time I put myself in the situation I feel rubbish for days, so why would I do it to myself? Should I be more resilient... absolutely.... but I have to accept who I am too.

Btw I don't think she is a bad person, I wouldn't bother entertaining her when she comes to us if she was. I know that we are bottom of the tree (well actually a little bit higher then the daughter she hardly talks to). I accept that is my situation I just don't want it rubbed in my face and that is what happens when I see her with one of her preferred families. Does that make sense?

Maybe just say you're happy to see them as a family but when it's mil too it's too much for the kids/you/dh, so would prefer to keep mil visits separate.

Well the SIL isn't her daughter so that isn't an issue.

OP, I would continue to avoid meet ups as you have done.

Your SIL should get the message if you frame your polite disinterest with a "I definitely can't make it, will check if husband can", on a loop.

Who cares if your MIL is lonely, let her daughter that she adores visit her.

Life is too short for this.

Just because someone is finally old and frail, doesn't make them suddenly tolerable, after being a PITA for your married life.

Carry on as you were OP, you owe her nothing.
Lovely as your SIL is, it is not on you to participate in playing happy families for a PITA MIL, just because she wants to.

Do what suits YOU and your family.

Send your husband with the children and enjoy the peace.

If she wanted your company she would have made an effort to be pleasant.

@jay55

I did say that I thought it was better we space our visits out so MIL is less lonely because she has more spaced visits. She agreed but then still invites us to see MIL.....

You can't win here. I thi k what you've done already is perfect - the boundaries and the huge step back. I'd just carry on in that vein. Women always get lumbered with the family politics. Ie your SIL being the one to arrange things.
If your mils behaviour affects your kids then your DH should say something.