Can I really tell people how MIL makes me feel or is it petty?

[wearenearlythere1]

I really struggle seeing my MIL in a group. Although we get on ok 1:1 in a group I feel like she is always comparing me to my SIL's and it is the kind of comparison I will never win. It wears down my self esteem and I leave the interaction feeling rubbish.

I decided years ago that I wasn't going to go out of my way to accommodate MIL I would set my boundaries hard. If it suited me to see her I would, for example if she visits I am super host. I gave up sending her birthday cards and Mother's Day cards. However When my DH called her and maybe have a nice chat with her. I have no problem with him taking the kids to visit her but don't bother going more than 50% of the time.

Recently my SIL has tried to arrange things for our two families +MIL. I just want to avoid because I know it will make me feel rubbish and excluded. AIBU to tell SIL will she think I am petty? Does it put her in an awkward spot? I know she will say it is MIL's personality and she is elderly/ lonely after covid.

DH and kids visit MIL but he finds it exhausting so doesn't go often.

Well, if your husband can't be arsed to visit his own mother, I really don't see why it's somehow your job. Your SIL's choices are her own, but you're not obliged to go along with them either. But you seem to have some highly-intricate hierarchy worked out in your head, as to where various family members are ranked on your MIL's own personal pecking order -- why on earth does someone else's internal ranking system bother you so much, unless you actual buy into it yourself, and think you are in fact a lesser person because your MIL appears to think so. You're giving her an awful lot of power over your mind.

I’d just send my husband and kids and offer the SIL a serene, “no thanks, that doesn’t work for me.”

You don’t need to explain yourselves to these people. Stick to the boundaries you’ve put in place.

I would as I've been your SIL. I spent years trying to fit in to exDH family. I could see my Sil (married in to family years before me) was 'the outsider' even though she was very nice to every one. Mil was a factor in Sil and Bil divorce but I had the strange notion that if I loved bombed her she would be different around me. She wasn't. and yes the nicer I was the more rude, abrasive, dismissive she was to me.

I really wish SiL and I had connected more as we could have actually been a support to each other in the end.

I'd probably say 'I'd love to meet up with just you and the kids'. She might get a clue from that.

On a different perspective - Im the 'golden child' with my grandparents. I was always favoured and my kids are always favoured over my cousins. Its not something I can control but im very very close to my grandparents, much closer than some of her own children never mind grandchildren. My grandparents do the same thing with the buying gifts and it makes me cringe sometimes.

@Frogcorset

I know.... I wish I didn't. It is so obvious, she has different rules for everyone and I just can't help feeling snubbed by it. The less I see it the less it takes my headspace.

Are there two SiLs here? Your DH's sister and the wife of your DH's brother? Or is the SiL that gets put on the pedestal that is trying to organise the meet-ups?

Because if it's the former, I might be inclined to have a conversation. Or I might think wife-SIL finds the dynamic tricky too and is trying to dilute things. So I might sort of team up with her so the cousins have nice memories of all being together and you two keep each other sane.

But if its pedestal-SIL say nothing and do nowt.

If there is obvious favouritism I'd say it to MIL bluntly.
Be open with SIL I'm sure she knows what her DM is like.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Pedestal SIL is the birth daughter, doesn't try to organise stuff much.

Wife-SIL is lovely and tries to organise stuff. I do think she has the very best of intentions but I do think there might be an element that she might want to dilute. I know over the years she has shed a lot of tears over a glass of wine about how snubbed she is. Her approach seems to be try harder, and she has made the very best of the situation. Watching her try and not quite make it, has made me think it is better to distance myself emotionally.

Okay so it is his brothers wife, if she shared her situation over wines before then why can't you just tell her you're not interested in going?

My MIL is expert at backhanded compliments and holds views very different to mine. I would never socialise with her alone & am sure the feeling is mutual. However, I tolerate group settings for my DC and DH - can you not just go and busy yourself with the other people there and exchange a civil greeting with MIL? I do understand there are many other things you would prefer to do If it suited me to see her I would but it sounds like you want it all on your terms, sometimes it's worth taking one for your family the team? It's notas if its something you have to regularly do. Do you want your kids to look back on childhood get togethers (which they will enjoy) and think Mum never joined in?

I wouldn't tell your SIL - I think it would make you look more petty than your MIL.

Does your DH do stuff with your family OP?

I think people have an natural instinct to gaslight in these situation, with the best of intentions. “Oh you’re just imagining it …” etc. They mean well, and either can’t see it or are just trying to make you feel better. But it will make it ten times harder to hold your boundaries and harder when mil does what she does too.

I find it far easier to never complain, never explain but resolutely do what my mental health can tolerate.

However, I see your point about not wanting to be flaky for your sil’s sake so maybe go with a simpler version of the truth - that you find family events hard going, and you’d actually be relieved if it goes ahead without you. That should take the pressure off her trying to find dates that work for you, and might give her permission to take a step back herself.

[quote wearenearlythere1]@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Pedestal SIL is the birth daughter, doesn't try to organise stuff much.

Wife-SIL is lovely and tries to organise stuff. I do think she has the very best of intentions but I do think there might be an element that she might want to dilute. I know over the years she has shed a lot of tears over a glass of wine about how snubbed she is. Her approach seems to be try harder, and she has made the very best of the situation. Watching her try and not quite make it, has made me think it is better to distance myself emotionally. [/quote]
Wow, is your MIL the Queen? Everyone coming into your DHs family seems to be very bothered about what she thinks about them!

@EmeraldShamrock

I don't have the situation unless I call her... because lately every time I see her MIL is there. I really wouldn't say it in front of my BIL.

I just don't know how she would take my feedback anyway. In the past when she has cried over wine that her family holds no value (pre Max)! It has become apparent she just thinks differently. She believes in try harder.... for eg she used to beg MIL to come and see her kids and be really upset when she missed them/ only spoke about pedestal daughters children.

My approach was to tell MIL if she wasn't going to make time for her grandkids (as in my kids) I wasn't going to beg because they deserved people who cared about them not people that had to be Plamaused into having contact.

Out of interest is Max the eldest male GC OP?

Just asking because my ex MIL only ever acknowledged the eldest GS (her eldest sons DS) and her eldest GD (my DD). Any subsequent children didn’t get a look in with her. To the extent for birthdays, Christmas and Easter she would buy her favourite gc something extravagant whilst the rest of them received a token gift,

Proper bloody fruit loop she was! And the main reason why all 4 of her DC divorced. Nasty, spiteful, vindictive cow urgh!

At least second MIL treated all my children with the same consideration and respect as her other GC.

Just to add, it has really helped me to take a mental step back with my mil and instead of paying attention to my hurt feelings, to turn my attention to her behaviour instead in a sort of curious, analytical way. Why would she say that? Why did she do that?

How she behaves towards me hasn’t really much if anything to do with me; it really is about her. I suspect it’s similar with your mil.

It takes practice, self discipline and gritted teeth, but I’ve gone from hurt, to exasperation and lately, genuine compassion. (I still limit our interactions though because even without getting upset by her, it’s exhausting mental work)

@MrsNutNutsmarriedaphilanderer

I think she was a very nice mother. My kids like her too. Even I don't mind her 1:1, just in groups she makes it really obvious I don't marry up.

DH's family are very respectful people generally in life but once you are old you really are the holy grail....

@wearenearlythere1 if you do want to say something stick to “you know what? I love seeing you and the kids but I struggle with MIL in a group. I think I’ll stick to seeing her at our house whilst I work on it, but would love to meet you and your family at the park if you’re free?”

@ThisMarleyIsNotALabrador

Max is not the oldest. Although this was true a bit of the oldest GC but they are much older now.

@thelegohooverer I agree - now I understand I have no personal relationship with MIL I am less bothered about what she directs to me(plus Covid benefit has been less PIL contact)

It's almost funny when you know what digs might come up and I could almost laugh now when she makes same old comments, it's like playing bingo. The secret is to stop caring what she says or does, at the moment you are letting her have power over you.

Maybe go and see if you can detach from mil and focus on others.
Or try to meet up with this other family casually without mil as thehop mentions
If you think your kids would get something out of it.

@thelegohooverer

I like your response. It is like that, people always say.... "don't worry about MIL everyone gets a hard time every now and again...." .... but they don't really...? The same people get a terrible unjust time. I am not putting myself in the latter category, there are worse off than me tbh. I'm all about avoiding opportunity to be that person, because I would be, if we seen enough of each other. I know I am too sensitive and not good at pandering to people for a sustained period, probably a grudge holder too that is why I know I have to keep distance.

Your SIL crying about this should tell you that you are well out of it.

Her choices do not need to be yours.

You are NOT being flakey by saying NO.

Flakey is telling your SIL that you WILL attend and not turn up.

Saying "NO that doesn't suit" is not flakey, it is decisive.

There is nothing to be gained by telling you SIL when she is crying over the old woman.

She has chosen her path, you have chosen yours.

Yours sounds far better for your MH if your SIL is crying about her.
Not healthy at all.

Maybe your SIL wants you there for moral support..................

It's worse when its your own dm.
I didn't get a Christmas present last year and the year before she pulled a gift card from her bag on Christmas morning and said my niece had sent it but I could have it.
I have 5 siblings, she has never done this to any of them.
In fact they get thoughtfully chosen gifts from top department stores.
And guess who decorates her house, tidies the garden and orders her prescription every month.

@Melitza

I am sorry to hear this. Maybe you give her too much time and she doesn't have to hold up her side of the relationship?

No definitely don't mention it. It will come over as hugely petty. It will never end well, as she is mil's daughter. I would say that I'm busy but husband and children would love to attend. Its great you've place boundaries from an early start, well done.