Can I really tell people how MIL makes me feel or is it petty?

[wearenearlythere1]

I really struggle seeing my MIL in a group. Although we get on ok 1:1 in a group I feel like she is always comparing me to my SIL's and it is the kind of comparison I will never win. It wears down my self esteem and I leave the interaction feeling rubbish.

I decided years ago that I wasn't going to go out of my way to accommodate MIL I would set my boundaries hard. If it suited me to see her I would, for example if she visits I am super host. I gave up sending her birthday cards and Mother's Day cards. However When my DH called her and maybe have a nice chat with her. I have no problem with him taking the kids to visit her but don't bother going more than 50% of the time.

Recently my SIL has tried to arrange things for our two families +MIL. I just want to avoid because I know it will make me feel rubbish and excluded. AIBU to tell SIL will she think I am petty? Does it put her in an awkward spot? I know she will say it is MIL's personality and she is elderly/ lonely after covid.

step back and let dh take the lead and your own dc, if they dont want to go dont force them.

I was the bridge between dh and his dp for a long time as he didn't make much effort and I stupidly made efforts for bdays and stuff and i was still treated like crap, I do not bother now and it is freeing.

Its very sad op , my ideal is large family that mostly rubs along but like your mil. nothing we can do is good enough for mil and you get caught up trying to please then realise how futile it is.

• I would be very cautious however about the dc having un supervised contact if mil treats them differently, dc very much notice and are super sensitive so do watch that side.

I wish she would stop trying to schedule me hanging out with MIL.

It doesn't matter if she tries, just say you aren't available. Or tell her the truth and to stop asking.

@ICanSmellSummerComing

As soon as I decided I was not going to bend over backwards for her it was freeing. I really love my DH and I felt I should try as hard as I could to be nice to his DM but I just wasn't able to sustain it so I made a choice limit it or fall out... I went for limit....I just can't be nice to people who don't value my family as much as we value them and so clearly rank people.

I admire the Wife-SIL but I think her genuine kindness requires great resilience, it comes at a huge cost to her mental health and I am just not willing to make the same sacrifices and I couldn't cope as well as her. When she was vocal about the same kind of things I am talking about, I didn't get it because it was before I had kids. I was new on the scene and i was eager not to support her view point, in case people seen me as a stirrer. In hindsight that was very dismissive of me to play down how horrible it was.

great op! there should be leaflets given out on marriage about this sort of thing, its a trap so many of us fall into and in some circs its bearable, eg they live far away , dont see them much - etc etc. But in other cases its un bearable and make one so unhappy.

@ICanSmellSummerComing

One of the advantages I have is that she doesn't want to spend time with us and never has. So I guess at least I don't get too much of her.

Thats good, hurtful in some ways but once you understand that its actually OK.

Ours chase us - and emotionally guilt dh but when they see us they are dismissive and rude and interrogate us and only want the DC .

@ yes. You’re right.
I’ve let it go on too long and now she’s elderly so I don’t want an upset.