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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please persuade me not to want kids (yet)

68 replies

AdviceClearlyNeeded123 · 07/06/2021 23:31

Hi everyone,
First time poster here and I'd be really grateful for any advice you wise people could give me.

I've just finished a degree and am due to start a 2 year graduate scheme job in Sept, but have spent the last 6 months or so desperate to have a baby. I have been with my partner a while and we are getting married next summer and will be living in a caravan while we build our own house (as we can't afford to buy in area where dp's job is and renting isn't an option).

I know I should wait until I've established a career and we have a house, but somehow I can't stop thinking about having a baby. I've spent a lot of time researching local nurseries, schools, and parenting and am very embarrassed at how emotional I get thinking about not having a child.

I'm 21 and logically know I don't need to rush into it, but I have a health condition which means that pregnancy is likely to be significantly riskier for both me and baby than it would be otherwise.
I wanted to have a baby young to minimise the risks, and decrease the likelihood of pregnancy having a drastic effect on my health (and increase the likelihood of me being an energetic and heathy parent), but it looks like I will be at least 25 by the time we have any sort of house to move into.

DP was always keen on having kids in the future, however when I first mentioned the increased risks, he was supportive of having them younger, however, he does not want to bring up a baby in the caravan.

AIBU to continue to obsess over my imaginary deadline of having a baby in my early twenties? Can anyone please offer any reassurance or advice on how to be patient in waiting for the right time to ttc?

OP posts:

miltonj · 08/06/2021 00:03

Just imagine just how shit your life would be with a baby in a caravan every day! Honestly it would be. Nightmare.

FortunesFave · 08/06/2021 00:06

Oh good God no. A caravan? NOPE! Honestly OP it will be horrendous. You can't know that till' you have had a baby though so I don't blame you for trying to make it seem like it will be ok.

The drive to have a baby is strong....I remember it!

But push that drive into preparing for a baby...getting a stable home is the first step.

A caravan is not a stable, practical home.

You need to get your 2 year graduate course done. Or you won't be financially able. What if something happened to your other half?? You wouldn't be able to manage.

MilduraS · 08/06/2021 00:10

Based on two decades of watching Grand Designs, your house will cost significantly more than your budget. Do you really want that stress while trying to live on maternity pay in a caravan with a new born? Finish the house and the graduate scheme first. 2 years isn't that long a wait.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 08/06/2021 00:20

OP YABVU

RainingZen · 08/06/2021 00:29

You absolutely do not want a small baby in a caravan. No no no no no no.

You're at an "in between" moment having not yet started the new job. Once that starts you will have a distraction, and can throw yourself into work.

Bear in mind, it is a LOT more common than people think to fall pregnant immediately when you start TTC. Imagine if you are pregnant when you are new in your job: feeling exhausted and suffering morning sickness while you're settling in to the job, no statutory maternity leave pay when the baby comes as you don't qualify yet, not feeling like going for a drink after work with new colleagues.

Plus having a baby or being heavily pregnant when you get married might not be what your partner dreams of either.

If you genuinely love your partner, you have to pause and take their feelings into account. The stress of getting your home, getting married, the financial burden of a baby, the nightmare of a baby in a caravan... it's really unfair to expect this.

You should stop torturing yourself by imagining having a baby or child. Just stop. And find something else to focus on, anything!

Castlepeak · 08/06/2021 00:34

Go read some of the many threads posted by women who don’t know how they are going to support their children when the relationship ends. I’m not saying your relationship won’t make it. I hope it does. It’s still a good idea to have that cv in place so if you find yourself in a replaced by a pod person scenario you can kick him out and protect your children without hesitation.

Keepitonthedownlow · 08/06/2021 00:36

Why not compromise and start trying in 2 years? You'll be 23.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/06/2021 01:05

do not plan to have a baby in a caravan.
the very idea sounds horrible to me (and naive & immature, sorry)

hard no to that.
you are only 21! live your life, sort your studies, job, house, get properly settled, spend time with your future DH & build your life and memories.

I can't comment on your health issues, but if things did go wrong would you really want to be stuck in a caravan dealing with being unwell/injured and caring for a newborn?!

Hurr8cane84 · 08/06/2021 01:39

I understand the feeling, something hits you in your early 20s and you have this instinct to have babies. Luckily it went away somewhat once I started a career, finished my training contract, got promoted, started being able to afford nice things.

Having babies now would mean you will be in a constant struggle, month to month, for the next decade. You could also likely get let go. In my industry, if you got pregnant during your 2 year contract, your employer would be unlikely to renew at the end of that and they would not be breaking the law. You would struggle to do well at work, the tiredness combined with an inability to stay late when needed would kill your career before you even started.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 02:07

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

WettyHainthrop · 08/06/2021 02:12

Think how shit life would be if you can’t perform or lose your opportunity to have your job, how hard it would be living in a caravan with no job and a baby, and how the house may then not happen. And then think about the wonderful life of you could give a baby if you get an amazing job, progress up the ladder and build your house.

There is no rush. Wait until you can give your baby the life you all deserve.

Rmka · 08/06/2021 04:12

I agree with PPs, it would be a bad idea to start now.
25 is a very good age to TTC. Your fertility is not declining so don't worry. Up to 34 y.o. age is not considered a risk factor so you have plenty of time. And you'll be glad you waited to have a stable home.
Wishing you all the best. Enjoy this journey, your wedding, time with your partner. You'll look back at this time and be glad for all the wonderful memories.

GinAndTonicOnIt · 08/06/2021 04:19

@Aquamarine1029

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

Sorry, agree 109% with this. It would be irresponsible to have a baby now and selfish. The baby's needs should come first - not your desire to have a baby.

GinAndTonicOnIt · 08/06/2021 04:19

Typo 100% not 109%

Oenanthe · 08/06/2021 04:32

Is your boyfriend also obsessively poring over local nurseries, and reading parenting manuals?

Thought not.

Don't get knocked up at 21, OP, before your adult life has even started. You can't afford it. You have 0 stability.

It's not fair on the child

User52739 · 08/06/2021 04:33

Honestly the thought of having a baby in a caravan gives me hives. It would be so, so stressful and awful.

MoppaSprings · 08/06/2021 04:47

Get your house built, get married and finish your 2 year graduate job.

I can’t think of anything worse than raising a baby in a caravan

spanielstail · 08/06/2021 07:40

Not only will you not manage financially but also I think you need to be sure this is a long term relationship. You need to be together awhile as adults, get married, own ahouae and have financial back up. Too many women have children without a future proof plan.

NoNobramma · 08/06/2021 07:44

You can still be planning and thinking about it- but wait to TTC until after your two years are complete with your graduate post. More stability then and you’ll know what the housing situation is like.
But you can indulge an aspect of it still, while also living the life you’re building for your family of the future. 24/25 would still be young enough so enjoy the best of both worlds. Having a baby means you lose an element of freedom and a lot of your ability to be selfish or just self focused- so also enjoy your partner, wedding and a bit of me time.

BlueDucky · 08/06/2021 08:42

I'd finish the graduate job first then reassess. It's hard to get graduate placements and I'd wish I'd done more to establish my career before I was 25.

BendingSpoons · 08/06/2021 08:50

You will still be young at 25!

Try to throw your energies into your other projects and see it as 'preparation' for a baby later on but enjoy the journey too. Can you redirect that energy to researching for your wedding or build, rather than baby related things.

As an aside, I would be a bit wary going on holiday with a baby in a caravan due to lack of space and sound insulation. I wouldn't want to live in one with baby if it is avoidable.

bunnybutts · 08/06/2021 08:54

@Aquamarine1029

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

This ☝️

It would be incredibly selfish to plan to have a baby when you have so little stability.

shouldistop · 08/06/2021 08:55

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS

This ^

25 is still young. You'll be glad you waited.

I have a 4yo and 6mo. The thought of having a baby in a caravan makes me feel stressed out.

Stormwhale · 08/06/2021 08:59

I had my first at 23 and honestly as amazing as my dc are, I wish I had waited and enjoyed my freedom before starting a family. Once you have kids, that's it. You can never be selfish again. They have to come first, no matter what.

Make the most of this time. Really enjoy the process of making a home with your partner. Without kids it can be a fun adventure. With kids it would be a stressful nightmare.

iduno · 08/06/2021 09:00

Ur 21 don't have kids yet. Enjoy ur life, go see some of the world (when u can). Enjoy nights out, lots of sleep and lounging around. Get ur house sorted and build ur career for even a few years and then maybe reconsider in ur mid twenties.

I had my first at 31. I would have liked to have my first about 27/28 but I was doing professional exams at work. This meant that I cld go part time when baby arrived as I had doubled the salary I started out on and still have the same lifestyle. Got to see lots of the world and have some amazing holiday, breaks and nights out etc. Saved a huge deposit to buy a much bigger family house too.

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