Please persuade me not to want kids (yet)

[AdviceClearlyNeeded123]

Hi everyone,
First time poster here and I'd be really grateful for any advice you wise people could give me.

I've just finished a degree and am due to start a 2 year graduate scheme job in Sept, but have spent the last 6 months or so desperate to have a baby. I have been with my partner a while and we are getting married next summer and will be living in a caravan while we build our own house (as we can't afford to buy in area where dp's job is and renting isn't an option).

I know I should wait until I've established a career and we have a house, but somehow I can't stop thinking about having a baby. I've spent a lot of time researching local nurseries, schools, and parenting and am very embarrassed at how emotional I get thinking about not having a child.

I'm 21 and logically know I don't need to rush into it, but I have a health condition which means that pregnancy is likely to be significantly riskier for both me and baby than it would be otherwise.
I wanted to have a baby young to minimise the risks, and decrease the likelihood of pregnancy having a drastic effect on my health (and increase the likelihood of me being an energetic and heathy parent), but it looks like I will be at least 25 by the time we have any sort of house to move into.

DP was always keen on having kids in the future, however when I first mentioned the increased risks, he was supportive of having them younger, however, he does not want to bring up a baby in the caravan.

AIBU to continue to obsess over my imaginary deadline of having a baby in my early twenties? Can anyone please offer any reassurance or advice on how to be patient in waiting for the right time to ttc?

[quote Keepitonthedownlow]@Umberellatheweatha

What a ridiculous patronising thing to say. The OP had already said she has health issues and it's definitely better to go through pregnancy in your 20s than your 30s from a health point of you. Also many people faff around in their 20s and then find that they have trouble conceiving in their 30s. I personally regret waiting till my 30s. I have 1 DC and nearly didn't. My best friend had kids in her early 20s and she's got a lovely big family now and they are fab. I worry about my losing her mother early. I now wish I was younger. I think it's the idea that you've got too faff around in your 20s absolutely unhelpful.[/quote]

I agree with you. I wish I'd had the opportunity to have babies in my twenties when I was fresh and fit and healthy. It takes it's toll on your body when you're sort of 35+ ish (generally speaking of course) I could have got babies out of the way and then worked on my career rather than getting to a good place in my career then pissing it up the wall by having children. And for what? The freedom to go to the pub?

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment, and especially to those who've offered advice or shared their own experiences, I wish I could reply to you all individually.

I realised that I probably wasn't clear enough in my first statement, and would like to set all your minds at ease in that I understand having a baby now would be silly and I'm not planning on getting pregnant currently, mainly because I'm worried about not being able to provide a child the best possible start in life etc..

I was more looking for help and advice with how to stop feeling so broody/trying to justify it, and some of you definitely provided some strong discouragement!
It was really encouraging to hear that some of you ( @Hurr8cane84 , @Cap89 , @newbrother ) had felt like this too at my age and it had passed; I'm looking forward to starting work and focusing on that.

Again, I did find some of your comments especially helpful, particularly @RainingZen 's comment about being at an 'in-between moment' currently that I'm desperately trying to escape somehow!

One of my biggest worries was that if I wait too long I might be unable to have children and thanks to those of you who rationalised that for me and in general provided supportive but down to earth comments (including @Rmka , @NoNobramma and @BendingSpoons but others too) (25 isn't old at all! I don't know why I'm so anxious).

Really I was hoping for the brisk reality check this provided (hence the name of the thread!), but also the validation of me feeling like this even though I know I don't want to act on those feelings (thanks @Yokey ).

Thanks again for all the advice and thoughts (and will still be checking here if anyone else has anything they want to share). Tips on how to stop feeling broody are especially helpful, I'll certainly try to stay off conception boards as @JewelGarden recommends!

As an aside I'd also like to put out there that although dp isn't quite as weirdly fixated on the topic as me, he is doing research and making decisions based on preparing our lives for dc, so it's not as bleak an outlook as it may have seemed to some of you (although I appreciate that statistics aren't in our favour here).

Also a pp suggested we get a dog, and we do already have a sweet dog, and we adore him! (not very relevant, but very uplifting)

@WooTwo

This sort of emotional, hormonally driven baby-lust should be treated like it's equivalent - the teenage boy so desperate to get himself off that he'll stick his knob in an apple pie.

It's only natural to feel the way you do, but it's immaturity and hormones speaking, and you might end up with a burned knob.

Well said, @WooTwo. And nicely put.

Lol @WooTwo. Bang on.

I had DS at 22, I wouldn't change it for the world but I was skint for years and I split up with his dad which is more statistically likely when you have children young. I am nearly 31 and only just started paying into a pension 3 years ago as I couldn't afford it.

I hate on these threads when people go on about needing to enjoy your 20s, partying and travelling the world. I have never had any desire to do either of these things (and would rather put my money into home life). Not everyone wants to do the same things in life.

However, in this case I can see how it really would be best to wait until the housing situation is better, though I do empathise with how you are feeling

YABVU and quite daft, honestly.

Wait until your mid twenties - your fertility rate is not going to fall off a cliff bu then even with your condition I'm sure

Get your life established first OP - you’re in a very fortunate position. You have a partner, a career starting, you’re very young, you’re working towards a home that’s yours... it would be unwise to bin all that to have a baby now. Enjoy your 20s - travel, go out, do the things that will be much harder when you have kids! One of those things is making money and progressing with your career - not impossible but exponentially more difficult without the freedom to work late, move for jobs, where you can take a gamble on a new job etc.

I was told at your age I would struggle to have kids at all - I didn’t try until I was 33, got pregnant immediately and it was twins. Both are disabled and may never live independently. Our lives completely revolve around their needs. Having children is a big roll of the dice, and so much more difficult if you’re not stable and secure. You have the opportunity to get that stable basis before having kids, I definitely suggest taking that opportunity!

I was a bit like you OP and fantasised about this wonderful family life that I’d create for myself a long time before I was actually going to have it. Like you, I had no intention of actually GETTING pregnant - I knew it was far too soon and not practical - but I still really wanted a baby and spent loads of time thinking about it and researching stuff etc. In particular I made the mistake of starting to read parenting blogs (which were more of a thing back then than they are now as no one had migrated into YouTube/Instagram) which gave me lots of info that I didn’t really need yet (eg advice about weaning) but also tended to paint a very rose tainted picture of how family life would be. Do you think you’re actually BROODY as in wanting a tiny baby, is the actual baby your focus? Or is it that this lifestyle appeals to you eg picturing you and your DP with the baby together doing lovely activities, trips out, family life etc? I realised that for me it was definitely the latter.

Ps. And for me I realised that it helped thinking about why I was so obsessed with the thought of family life. My answers were

1. It was something that would give me a sense of purpose and an identity (mummy) at a time when quite frankly I was quite bored and lacking in focus
2. It was exciting to think that I’d met the man I was going to marry and have babies with
3. People make parenting look a lot more appealing than it actually is. The blogs were full of beautiful nurseries, children in matching outfits, idyllic family trips out, well groomed women with immaculate houses. I have two kids now and have none of the above 😂

My tip is to get into exercise or meditation or some kind of hobby /volunteering that gets you out of your head/fantasy life where you’re picking out nurseries and grounded in your reality, so that you can really enjoy the here and now. Maybe you need a break after your degree as the final year can be exhausting.

Sometimes I want seconds of cake. I know it’s not a good idea, so don’t have it. If I ignore the feeling, it goes away for a while.

Having babies in your situation would be hugely unfair on any child and you’d probably find it very stressful rather than the realisation of a romantic dream.

You don’t have a home to offer it. You’re very young and need to establish yourself in the adult world first, to offer you all the best life chances. In fact, you are almost exactly in the same position as our daughter,except she’s not self building. She’s too young for a baby, too young to take on that much responsibility before having built her own life.

Assumedly your graduate scheme will have frequent exams, so focus on those. Our daughter’s exams are quite life consuming in her first year of a three year scheme. You’ll need to network and build a strong reputation which is very difficult with an infant.

What WooHoo said up thread!
The broodiness leads to a kind of unrealistic, and honestly slightly silly daydreamy thing where you think of how lovely it will all be when you have a baby. But actually parenthood is proper hard work. I love my DC to the ends of the earth with an absolute passion BUT the realities of parenting are nothing like the daydream. And being a bit more mature is no bad thing to help you get through the drudgery with the benefit of life experience behind you.

Before I had kids, I was very much in the "how hard can it be" camp and honestly stupidly believed that anyone who complained about parenting being hard obviously didn't love their kids enough.
I have well and truly been disabused of these stupid notions.
Being a parent is by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is. I think there is a big conspiracy that no one says exactly how hard it is!
Do not have a baby when you live in a caravan and are going to end up spending considerably more on your house than you expect. It would be madness!
You're 21. I had my first child when I was 36.

I was the baby in a caravan 30 years ago ( will have to namechange now )

My parents weren't building a house, They just thought it was a good idea.

My mum stayed in a house with a friend for my first 2 weeks of life because she's had an emergency c section.

They moved out of the caravan before I was 6 months.

I've lived in a caravan as a very young adult and there is no way I would ever have babies/ children in one through choice. A week's holiday In a static with proper plumbing was bad enough.

Live in the caravan before you even think of being slightly careless with the contraception.

I would highly recommend some of the things others have suggested to give you a better footing in life first.

Although there really is no right time, some are definitely better.

If I'd had a baby at the time of life I was living in a caravan, well, I dread to think what might have happened.

You sound much more accomplished than my 21 self, but I still wouldn't!

Hope you have all the luck in the world whenever the time is right!

@1000glitterydicks

Before I had kids, I was very much in the "how hard can it be" camp and honestly stupidly believed that anyone who complained about parenting being hard obviously didn't love their kids enough. I have well and truly been disabused of these stupid notions. Being a parent is by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is. I think there is a big conspiracy that no one says exactly how hard it is! Do not have a baby when you live in a caravan and are going to end up spending considerably more on your house than you expect. It would be madness! You're 21. I had my first child when I was 36.

That’s the other thing - it’s bloody hard and relentless. There are of course positives but crikey, enjoy being relatively free of responsibilities, being spontaneous, weekend lie ins, deciding to go somewhere and just going (anyone remember when going out meant just grabbing your bag and maybe a coat?!). I love my boys so much but there are things I miss - like oh, there’s a new film on, shall we go and see it? Rather than military style planning. I wish I’d appreciated the freedom we had while we still had it!