Please persuade me not to want kids (yet)

[AdviceClearlyNeeded123]

Hi everyone,
First time poster here and I'd be really grateful for any advice you wise people could give me.

I've just finished a degree and am due to start a 2 year graduate scheme job in Sept, but have spent the last 6 months or so desperate to have a baby. I have been with my partner a while and we are getting married next summer and will be living in a caravan while we build our own house (as we can't afford to buy in area where dp's job is and renting isn't an option).

I know I should wait until I've established a career and we have a house, but somehow I can't stop thinking about having a baby. I've spent a lot of time researching local nurseries, schools, and parenting and am very embarrassed at how emotional I get thinking about not having a child.

I'm 21 and logically know I don't need to rush into it, but I have a health condition which means that pregnancy is likely to be significantly riskier for both me and baby than it would be otherwise.
I wanted to have a baby young to minimise the risks, and decrease the likelihood of pregnancy having a drastic effect on my health (and increase the likelihood of me being an energetic and heathy parent), but it looks like I will be at least 25 by the time we have any sort of house to move into.

DP was always keen on having kids in the future, however when I first mentioned the increased risks, he was supportive of having them younger, however, he does not want to bring up a baby in the caravan.

AIBU to continue to obsess over my imaginary deadline of having a baby in my early twenties? Can anyone please offer any reassurance or advice on how to be patient in waiting for the right time to ttc?

If you rush it and have a baby now - you will be cheated of being able to actually enjoy it. You are impatiently throwing away the chance to have lovely baby years, in return for having stressed ones now.

For example:
You won't have a nursery to decorate and make special while you are pregnant.
You and your partner will fight more as it's inevitable everyone in a caravan wakes up when a baby does, so there's no way to take turns.
You won't really be able to host playdates.
You won't be able to afford activities.
You will feel judged by your families more and you won't be able to complain about not getting enough sleep, they will say that you knew you lived in a caravan.

Instead of trying to ignore it, expand you fantasy to the kind of life you would like to have with your baby, are you anywhere near that yet?

Also, try and find a distraction and keep yourself busy, this year has been awful for looking only at your tiny immediate world. Is there anywhere you'd like to go that isn't child friendly, Oktoberfest, trekking, somewhere expensive they won't appreciate?

These feelings are fairly normal, but that doesn't mean we have to give in to them straight away. Good luck with the new job!

What have you got offer a baby at the moment?
No home, no career,, not much life experience.

Love is not enough.

Make sure you have super reliable contraception in place.

Wait a few years.

No no no. Please don't do this to yourself.

I got weirdly broody after finishing university. I thought I was pregnant at one point and my boyfriend at the time (now dh) was terrified, but I secretly thought it would be great. I was insane. I wasn’t pregnant, I started my career, and while I still knew I wanted children one day, my broodiness completely disappeared. Ended up getting married at 27 and first baby at 30. Which is longer than you need to wait obviously, but shows that the joys of the 20s and early career really did push my desire for a baby back.

When we did have a baby, we were in a 2 bedroom flat. This is more room than lots of people have, and was obviously perfectly fine, but it felt small. A caravan would have been HORRENDOUS.

Start your job, live life a bit post lockdown, build a house. Honestly, I am sure that the broodiness will subside and long term it will be much better for you, your dp and any future children.

@Aquamarine1029

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

This. It’s not about what you want, it’s about prioritising a good life for your baby, and putting yourself in the best possible situation to parent well.

OP, go and read the threads that discuss the property market. The frustration from those families that can't afford to be home owner, who face eviction from rental and don't know where to go, those on the waiting list for social housing who have been on it for many years.

One common set of circumstances is that many if not most had children early, certainly before they were home owners, married, set on a career. Feeling broody in your early 20s is totally normal and common, but going with what you want rather than what is best will potentially set you back to being in a position that you will deeply wish in 10 years time.

Not unreasonable to feel as you do, but take the advice here and decide now not to do it for a few years (at least). Honestly, you'd miss out on so much, you'll put yourself and your relationship under unnecessary strain, and ultimately you'll feel mum guilt for not providing your baby the lifestyle you'd like to. Wait until you can give your baby and your family the best possible start.

That's a hard no to raising a baby in a caravan. You'll still be young when you're 25 OP.

Just watch some childbirth videos, that'll put you off a while lol.

Surely you recognise you have other value in life and life has other value for you other than popping out some mini me's though? Dont you want to go on adventures? See the world? Make the most of your youth and figure by buying pretty clothes to wear and kissing lots of hotties and going to loads of parties? Because you bloody well should! All of those things become a damn sight less possible with kids.

And also, sorry but it's unlikely your partner will be with you for the longterm. He is still young (presumably) and if you don't get itchy feet, he probably will in the near to moderate future (just statistically speaking due to your ages) Having a kid would probably scare him off too. As it should if he is only 21. Would you cope being a single mum?

And the jobs you get out of uni are very important. If you finish but then have a gap of a few years, employers will choose those who did not have that break over you when you go back. Do you want your degree to have been a waste of time and money?

What you have atm is a touch of the broodiness in overdrive. It can become a but obsessive. But give your head a wobble. Cute little babies become tantruming children in no time and then what? You realise that just because babies are cute does not mean you should have had one.

Maybe start with a cute pet like a puppy. Not saying its equivalent but just to take the edge off things. And if a puppy is too much work in the caravan , then you'll know a baby definately will be.

@Aquamarine1029

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

This

I’m going to go against the grain here because I strongly believe that it should be personal choice. I was pregnant at 19 and don’t regret it at all. My eldest DS is now about to finish his last year at uni and I’m only 40, with hopefully lots of years to enjoy life (and potentially grandchildren) ahead of me.

It was hard financially when he was very young but he had everything he needed and we both managed to carve out careers over the years. I never felt like I had to ‘give up’ a career to have him, he was incredibly loved and has grown into an adult that anyone would be proud to call their son.

I don’t agree that you have to have lots of money to raise a child well, as long as you can afford to provide the necessities- you can raise a perfectly decent happy human without having the perfect career and lots of money stashed away.

@Blueberry40

I’m going to go against the grain here because I strongly believe that it should be personal choice. I was pregnant at 19 and don’t regret it at all. My eldest DS is now about to finish his last year at uni and I’m only 40, with hopefully lots of years to enjoy life (and potentially grandchildren) ahead of me.

It was hard financially when he was very young but he had everything he needed and we both managed to carve out careers over the years. I never felt like I had to ‘give up’ a career to have him, he was incredibly loved and has grown into an adult that anyone would be proud to call their son.

I don’t agree that you have to have lots of money to raise a child well, as long as you can afford to provide the necessities- you can raise a perfectly decent happy human without having the perfect career and lots of money stashed away.

But the OP is about to start a graduate scheme and will be living in a caravan for years to come while they build a house. It’s not a matter of not ‘having lots of money’, it’s a matter of being in a completely unsuitable situation to have a child, which she knows.

I got this and went travelling instead. It was amazing and I totally forgot about having children until it hit again at 30 so I did.

Having a baby is bloody hard work. Having a baby in a caravan when you can't even take turns to have lie ins...nope.

For the next six weeks, stay awake all night while rubbing your nipples with a brillo pad. Sleep here and there during the day. You will cry a lot. After the six weeks, set your alarm every 30 mins - 2 hours through the night and stay awake for an hour each time. Sleep here and there during the day. Have regular arguments with your partner about who does less.

Honestly, wait until you're in a house and sorted.

I had a baby a 21. She's disabled. I'm now nearly 40 and am looking after a giant toddler. I have no job and no pension. I recently went looking for work as I can now just about afford a carer with my daughter's benefits, and it would give me some sanity. I do actually have a degree so I don't get offered interviews for lower paid jobs because of my qualifications, but I can't get higher paid positions because I have no experience. It sucks. It's not the way I thought my life would turn out. I wish I'd have waited to establish a career first. I watch my husband moving up the career ladder and I hate being left behind.

I joined a graduate scheme with a large corporation and honestly it was the best few years of my life. You have a salary, so many new experiences and met so many people. You will miss out on all of this if you try to do this in tandem with being pregnant and having a baby. Of the many hundreds of graduates we've taken in, only one has had a baby half way through and even then she had both sets of grandparents and family to do the babysitting and she lived at home. Don't do it until you have at least 4-5 years under you belt if you choose to go down this route.

The way I'd look at it is, it it doesn't work out between you and your partner, what are you left with and how do you envisage your life to be?

Living in a caravan is shit, I couldn't manage it. Don't do it with a baby it will be hell.

Just to add, I don't think the baby in a caravan will be an issue. It'll be when the child starts toddling that you have a problem. I'm tripping over toys, and general shite, constantly, and we have a decent sized house. The lack of space will drive you bonkers. We've just been to stay in a caravan with a toddler and it was tough. You have to have eyes in the back of your head, she'd be messing with the cooker knobs or be in the bin, and you can't shut doors in a caravan like you can in a house. You need a stable, secure house for a small child.

Nothing wrong with having a baby at your age but you have a lot going on and I think a caravan will be too cold for a new baby. Remember you have to put baby first. 25 is plenty time enough - stay off conception boards and stop googling nurseries and baby stuff until then because that all just feeds into the broody obsession.

What happened to young people wanting to have fun?! When I was in my twenties I was out 4 nights a week having a fantastic time.

If one of us had wanted children we’d have thought they were having a breakdown!

YABVU
If you had a baby now you would be putting your desire to have a baby over your 'future' baby's welfare. That would be really selfish. It would also be massively selfish if you to put your desire to have a baby over your boyfriends wishes.

You need to be more sensible about this.

It’s not so much about your age for me, it’s that to me it seems absolute madness to have a baby while living in a caravan when you can wait a bit and not have to do that.

You have no money, no career, not married, and not even a remotely proper place to live and raise a baby. Please be sensible and think of the baby first, FFS.

And this.

I remember feeling like this when I was 18-19. Gruelling broodiness, I could think of nothing else! I promise it is actually quite normal and does pass. Just distract yourself with anything you can think of - work, hobbies, the house renovation. You'll look back and wonder why you thought you wanted a kid that young! :)

@Umberellatheweatha I’m sure someone will tell you your being harsh but everything you said is right. It will most probably end your relationship, stunt your career and you are using the best times of your life to realise kids when you could easily wait till your 30’s to do so like most people nowadays. I cannot understand why anyone so young would want this for themselves. Please don’t let your hormones make you make a decision that you could grow to regret.

@Umberellatheweatha

What a ridiculous patronising thing to say. The OP had already said she has health issues and it's definitely better to go through pregnancy in your 20s than your 30s from a health point of you. Also many people faff around in their 20s and then find that they have trouble conceiving in their 30s. I personally regret waiting till my 30s. I have 1 DC and nearly didn't. My best friend had kids in her early 20s and she's got a lovely big family now and they are fab. I worry about my losing her mother early. I now wish I was younger. I think it's the idea that you've got too faff around in your 20s absolutely unhelpful.

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