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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my helpfulness backfired - yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

95 replies

DaisyDerby · 07/06/2021 20:49

Before I moved in with my DP I spent some time with him & his two teenagers (lockdown 3), so as he’s a key worker he’d go out each day. I could work from home, so cooked etc… and whilst one teenager would help out, the other nope.

Since then DPS has gone back to Uni and DPD treats her dad and me like slaves, although DP does not see it this way… he keeps saying others in the house will do the dishes etc, but it never gets does so piles up and then I give in…

AIBU? Or did I land myself in this dishesgate 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/06/2021 23:36

I think you need to question why knowing the way this household lives you decided to move in.

They won’t change.

watingroom2 · 08/06/2021 00:53

Simple rule in this house- one person to cook - others to wash dry and put away - if you help with the cooking you avoid the tidying (if you all cook you all tidy) ..

I also play 'mental load' that is where I stand and tell others what to do - if they can stand like lemons watching me do it all - I can 'describe it'.. trust me - they pretty soon twig 'doing it together' is the easiest plan

Jente · 08/06/2021 01:36

Wee in the kettle. Then leave

MadMadMadamMim · 08/06/2021 01:39

@Jente

Wee in the kettle. Then leave
This! Grin
AmberIsACertainty · 08/06/2021 01:48

@Sweettea1

O the comments jeez move out over dishes haha! you all single then because I bet there is things that annoy you about your other half. Sit back relax and don't do them simple they will do them when they need them. Maybe that's how they have always been b4 you moved in. Talk to dp tell him you feel like a slave and they need todo pull their weight.
That only works if you can relax surrounded by mess and dirt. Lots of people can't. I'd leave him too. It's disrespectful. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?
Mothership4two · 08/06/2021 01:53

@watingroom2

Simple rule in this house- one person to cook - others to wash dry and put away - if you help with the cooking you avoid the tidying (if you all cook you all tidy)

Same in our house. It's the rule and nobody complains.

You wouldn't put up with this if it was your own child (I hope) so why are you with his? It really shows a massive lack of respect from them both for you.

Mothership4two · 08/06/2021 01:55

@Jente

Grin Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2021 01:58

"DPD treats her dad and me like slaves, although DP does not see it this way… he keeps saying others in the house will do the dishes etc, but it never gets does so piles up and then I give in…"

"he keeps saying others in the house will do the dishes" - and who are these mysterious 'others'? Does he ever do the dishes (etc)? I presume not, since it never gets done. So it's not just his teenaged daughter treating you like a skivvy, it's him too. He does not respect you. Move out.

LovePoppy · 08/06/2021 11:51

@Sweettea1

O the comments jeez move out over dishes haha! you all single then because I bet there is things that annoy you about your other half. Sit back relax and don't do them simple they will do them when they need them. Maybe that's how they have always been b4 you moved in. Talk to dp tell him you feel like a slave and they need todo pull their weight.
They will not do all of the dishes when they need them. At Best they will do the one or two they need and leave the rest alone
TellingBone · 08/06/2021 15:01

Have you decided whether to take on board the comments here OP? What are you going to do?

bigbaggyeyes · 08/06/2021 17:30

Just tell him that lockdown has now ended and he needs to start pulling his weight again, alongside his dc

Seahorsemama · 08/06/2021 17:41

You need to move out of the 1950s

peachdribble · 08/06/2021 18:10

If the sex is that good that you don't want to leave, then insist that he pays for a cleaner....

MollyMinniesMum · 08/06/2021 18:10

Run for the hills, it won’t change to and you’ll just be brick walled each time

notanothertakeaway · 08/06/2021 18:16

Easy to be wise after the event, but there's a lot to be said for "start as you mean to go on". I have never, ever picked up dirty clothes or made packed lunches, and there is zero expectation that I should. But somehow, cooking mostly falls on me. I share this cautionary tale in the hope it helps others

2bazookas · 08/06/2021 18:19

Don't give in.!

Wait until every last dish and pan and cup sheet towel shirt pair of pants and socks has been used and worn; then pack a little overnight bag and go and stay with a friend until they sort out their shit. . No need to leave a note; the dirty stuff IS the message.

kimmsutt · 08/06/2021 18:23

Oooh, these all seem a little extreme. Has nobody here ever shared a house before? I would mention to your DP first that you would like a ‘family chat’ about chores. You are all part of a family unit now, with different hours of work/study/play and housework should be divided in a fair way that also reflects those hours. If DP (and/or DSD) is/are against such a chat / rota /division, then leave. You don’t need to apologise or feel bad - this is fact and deliverables problem not an emotional one. Good luck.

SpeakingFranglais · 08/06/2021 18:28

Awww come on OP........you KNOW this is shit, why are you asking us and not packing your bags?

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 18:35

How old is DPD? Not unusual for teens to be selfish little nowts

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 18:38

You certainly have landed yourself in it.

If you don't want to move out, have a discussion TODAY when you tell them this is going to stop and you are setting up a rota. You will not be doing anything more than one third of the work, and if they don't do their share you will stop cooking or washing up for anyone other than yourself. And if they still don't contribute, you will be moving out to leave them in their very own pigsty.

Mirw · 08/06/2021 18:57

Dump him and his daughter... Think how much worse it will be if you are there full time!

Ofallthebarsinalltheworld · 08/06/2021 19:00

Sending you 💐 op as they don't have any respect for you and are treating you like a shit. You are a person with feelings and your voice counts.

Have a group meeting tell everyone how you feel and set up a rota for chores. Give this one month and if they still rip the piss out of you then pack up and leave. You are worth so much more.

Eddielzzard · 08/06/2021 19:06

DON'T GIVE IN! Wait until there is literally not a single dish or cup clean in the whole house. And then wait some more. Honestly if you always step in, no one else needs to worry. Come on. Fight this battle properly or move out.

Tessabelle74 · 08/06/2021 19:08

You need to set the ground rules immediately! EVERYONE does the dishes, they all use them, they can all deal with them. If they wont follow the rules then pack up and ship out, you're not the housekeeper!

LannieDuck · 08/06/2021 19:11

Why on earth are you cooking and washing up after a family of (nearly?) adults?

He works FT, but so do you. So you split the chores. And teenage children get a day a week allocated where they cook and clean up.

...or just move out.

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