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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DS is a bloody idiot for this relationship

61 replies

worriedmum721 · 07/06/2021 11:13

DS2 is 25 and is dating one of his old students. He taught her for a year when she was 16 and he was 22 in his first job.

She is now 19 and at university and he says he ran into her at a bar when she was back home in London.

DS has plans to leave teaching and follow his father into Law but I’m terrified that this is going to end badly and he will end up being banned from teaching so will no longer have a ‘safety net’ career.

DS1 and I think it’s bizarre and are trying to talk him out of it but to no avail.

AIBU to think this is a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 07/06/2021 11:15

So are you concerned that the relationship is inappropriate, or that it might 'reflect poorly' on his professionally?

Sirzy · 07/06/2021 11:15

Why would be be banned from teaching? Nothing you say indicates there was anything inappropriate when he was teaching her just that they met again years later.

OrangeRug · 07/06/2021 11:16

She is not his student anymore so I don't see the problem?

19lottie82 · 07/06/2021 11:17

I don’t really see the problem tbh.

LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 11:17

YABU, She’s 19!
Also see Emmanuel Macron...

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/06/2021 11:18

There is nothing inappropriate about this at all .
She is an adult and so is he ,the age gap is nothing.
The way you've worded it makes it sound like he's 50 and practically a child predator

StevieKnickerbockerglory · 07/06/2021 11:19

It might reflect badly on him among some other teachers maybe, so I see what you mean.

But, as others have said, I'm not sure why you think he'd be struck off (or whatever the equivalent is for teachers).

Frogcorset · 07/06/2021 11:19

Are you saying you think he’s lying and actually started seeing her when she was his student, and aged 16? Otherwise I don’t understand what’s getting you so exercised...?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 07/06/2021 11:20

No i agree with you. When they met he was in a position of authority over her.
It is inappropriate and professionally on dodgy ground. He could ask for advice from his union.

Original poster
worriedmum721 · 07/06/2021 11:24

@DysmalRadius Both.

I don’t think he is lying, he says he met her again last autumn when she would have been 18 and fresh out of school but they didn’t start dating until recently. It doesn’t sit right with me that he taught her when she was a child and now they are in a relationship. I’m also concerned that his school will agree with me and he’ll find himself in trouble.

OP posts:
Frogcorset · 07/06/2021 11:27

But unless the school also thinks he’s lying about when he started seeing this girl — though I’m not even sure how they would know? — she’s no longer a pupil or a child, hence out of their jurisdiction and care.

KrisAkabusi · 07/06/2021 11:29

I think you're over reacting here. Assuming he's not lying, neither of them has done anything wrong.

Daphnise · 07/06/2021 11:32

I can't see why the former teacher and ex pupil part is wrong.

But with one a young student and the other much older and at work there could be problems- who at university wants a much older boyfriend in the background, taking up time, travel and commitment?

It's a time for being free- well I suppose it was before Covid anyway.

The gap at 19 to 25 is much more than say 30 and 36.

There's another odd thing in the OP. It says the son wants to go into law but the parent feels he will or might fail in this and need to return to teaching, as a "back up career".

How many people have such a thing as a "back up career"?

And as for being banned from teaching , unless there is something we have not been told about the relationship (and I get the impression there might be) it is far from being a reason to be banned from teaching.

BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 11:35

I see why you are concerned. While he has done nothing wrong I can see it might damage his reputation. There are so many other people he could date so why date an ex student?

Snoozer11 · 07/06/2021 11:36

I can't see an issue with this tbh, but I can understand why you're concerned.

How likely is it he'd go back into teaching?

Hoppinggreen · 07/06/2021 11:38

While technically he’s done nothing wrong I think he might be judged by others in teaching and also there is the likelihood that he won’t be believed as to when the relationship started

whatshallihavefordinner · 07/06/2021 11:39

I wouldn't worry, it's not as though he's 40. I had a boyfriend who was 23 when I was 17, I didn't give it a second thought. He's not her teacher now, there is no reason to worry about that. My neighbour married her teacher a few years down the line, I really can't see the problem.

Bythemillpond · 07/06/2021 11:42

I can’t see what the problem is. As for the age gap, Dh and I have a bigger age gap and I married him as a teen.

GrumpyTerrier · 07/06/2021 11:43

He wont get in trouble. She is an adult and no longer his student. There is nothing to suggest he was inappropriate when she was his student. The age difference is negliable. It will be fine.

billy1966 · 07/06/2021 11:43

@Hoppinggreen

While technically he’s done nothing wrong I think he might be judged by others in teaching and also there is the likelihood that he won’t be believed as to when the relationship started
This.

It shows a lack of judgement on his part.
That is a big enough gap at that age.

chesirecat99 · 07/06/2021 11:47

I think you are right to be concerned. This teacher (30) was struck off for having a relationship with a former pupil. It's a bigger age gap but the ruling found it was inappropriate because it was so soon after the student left school:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-55567572

DaisyFeather · 07/06/2021 11:48

Has he been open and honest with everyone about it, including the school? I get why it feels weird but also I don’t think taken at face value it’s completely out of bounds.

It’s not quite the same but i knew a newly graduated teacher at a school who was 22 who was in a relationship with an 18yo at the next school over (which predated him starting his position by a year). They’re married now. The school knew as he was open about it when the offer was made and wanted to make sure it was known. He absolutely thrived as a teacher and is very highly regarded.

AlmostSummer21 · 07/06/2021 11:49

I think, these days, it could get his reputation tarnished if not directly banned from teaching. Perhaps he should speak to his Head to let them know so it's at least all above ground.

sar302 · 07/06/2021 11:50

There's nothing for him to get into trouble about. He hasn't broken any laws.

And yes there could be a scenario where this relationship goes on for years, and his career in law fails, and he ends up going back to teaching at their old school, and he takes her as his date to the summer fair, and proudly announces to everyone that he finally made his school girl fantasies come true. At which point someone somewhere raises a eyebrow.

But until and unless that happens, I think he's probably fine...

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/06/2021 11:50

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

No i agree with you. When they met he was in a position of authority over her. It is inappropriate and professionally on dodgy ground. He could ask for advice from his union.
Former secondary headteacher here, who knows the rules and the law.

As she is now over 18, he is doing nothing wrong. There is no evidence of "grooming" whilst he was teaching her.

Whilst some people have commented on the age difference, it's not massive and in any case, none of anyone else's business.

Aged 21, I had a relationship with one of my sixth form teachers for a year - he was 8 years older than me. Neither of us had shown any interest in the other whilst he was teaching me.