to think DS is a bloody idiot for this relationship

[worriedmum721]

DS2 is 25 and is dating one of his old students. He taught her for a year when she was 16 and he was 22 in his first job.

She is now 19 and at university and he says he ran into her at a bar when she was back home in London.

DS has plans to leave teaching and follow his father into Law but I’m terrified that this is going to end badly and he will end up being banned from teaching so will no longer have a ‘safety net’ career.

DS1 and I think it’s bizarre and are trying to talk him out of it but to no avail.

AIBU to think this is a recipe for disaster?

He may not breach the particular schools rules but the perception of his actions will be extremely unflattering and will be a cause of gossip and speculation.

Perhaps that is not fair, but life isn't fair.

He will definitely tarnish his reputation.

There is absolutely no way most parents would hear about this and be unimpressed with him AND the school.

It certainly reflects poorly on the school and they might, quite rightly, censured him because of it.

It is a question of judgement.
If he is totally dismissive of your concerns OP, you have my sympathy, as he will be an arrogant young man to do so.

I would be wary if I was your husband.

He needs to tell his union or school and take their advice.

I wouldn’t ever date a student I taught, as
I taught 17 year olds as a 22 year old teacher. Seriously frowned about and you’re right to be concerned.

Hopefully he’ll leaving teaching ASAP, as it is in appropriate at best and the fact he can’t even see that is worrying.

I hope his professional decision making is a lot better than his personal one's, especially if he does want to do law.

The relationship is icky and was easily avoided. He's a full adult, been in the world of work for A good length of time. She's still at Uni. I hope he allows her to make decisions in her best interests.

Relax, OP, he isn't breaching anything unless his old school has a specifically timed ban on teacher/ex-student relationships. Mountain out of a molehill. I would have zero concerns.

Teachers can’t just date former pupils even if they have left school. There are rules that govern how long there has to be between the child leaving school and the start of the relationship - I think it used to be 3 years but I can’t remember if that is from when they were taught or from the date they left school. I would suggest your DS checks the safeguarding policy to establish he isn’t breaching any policies.

There is no way he should get into this relationship. He should steer well clear of any ex pupils for many many years. Surely even he knows this.

If things go bad (let's hope they don't) - she could say anything about him including accusing him of grooming her.

If they really love each other and want to be together they should wait until he is out of teaching all together.

Surprised so few people think this is problematic. She was a pupil at the school where he is teaching just last year and it sounds like they reconnected a short time after she left school (if he's being honest).

It might not be in breach of the law but it shows he sees pupils as potential dating material.

He's a bloody idiot in my opinion, and if he were my friend, colleague or family member I would think less of them.

• When he was teaching her he shouldn't have had any attraction to her at all - she was his student. All my ex students are firmly "of course I bloody wouldn't" in my mind, because come on. I find it weird that anybody could fancy somebody they used to teach, or that if they did, they wouldn't keep that private and understand that it's inappropriate to act on. There are young men who were teenagers when I taught them who have grown into handsome and lovely mannered young men, but in my head they'll always be the gangly spotty teenager that I still feel mildly responsible for.

• Their relationship as student and teacher was one with a built in power imbalance. That never fully goes away IMO and he as a responsible adult should have realised that and politely declined any advances.

-There are plenty of women out there who he didn't used to teach.

eugh, just YUCK.

I would look at this the other way round and advise you to stay out of his love life. My DS is a similar age and there's no way he would listen to me in this situation. Advise him to run it by his Head, and then stay out of it. (DS has had three "this is the woman for me" girlfriends in four years so I'm glad I kept my opinions to myself.)

As a secondary school teacher I would definitely find this quite ‘icky’. There’s no way I could be attracted to an ex-pupil, it just would feel wrong. And I think most other teachers would say the same. I think most teachers would be embarrassed to admit to the relationship so soon after she’s left the school as well.

Also, he may be breaking rules. As a couple of pp’s have pointed out there is a rule about how long you should wait before having contact with an ex-pupil, 5 years we were told in safeguarding training at my school. And that’s just for having them on social media, let alone a relationship.