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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DS is a bloody idiot for this relationship

61 replies

worriedmum721 · 07/06/2021 11:13

DS2 is 25 and is dating one of his old students. He taught her for a year when she was 16 and he was 22 in his first job.

She is now 19 and at university and he says he ran into her at a bar when she was back home in London.

DS has plans to leave teaching and follow his father into Law but I’m terrified that this is going to end badly and he will end up being banned from teaching so will no longer have a ‘safety net’ career.

DS1 and I think it’s bizarre and are trying to talk him out of it but to no avail.

AIBU to think this is a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:
LastNightIDreamtOfMandalay · 07/06/2021 11:53

If he is still teaching at the school where she was a pupil? Or was that a previous job? If he is still at the school, then that would be dodgy but if he is in a new job since she left, then it seems ok

LateAtTate · 07/06/2021 11:54

Also he only taught her for a year and wasn’t in contact with her again until several years later

ChequerBoard · 07/06/2021 11:58

Hmm on the face of it, she is a. Adult and they is nothing illegal about them being in a relationship.

It doesn't sit well though, that they initially met whilst in a teacher/pupil relationship. I can see that other teaches would take a dim view.

I would also be concerned about the relationship ending badly. What if she then claims he made initial advances whilst she was still his student?

I can see why you would prefer his attentions to be elsewhere OP.

TheTeenageYears · 07/06/2021 12:06

I can understand your concerns @worriedmum721, it's really hard to prove a negative and many would consider the relationship inappropriate. Wouldn't teachers be told as part of teaching 101 "don't date a student or even an ex student", it's a bit too close to abuse of position isn't it? A teacher could know an awful lot about a student/students background that would never normally be known by someone when you meet them. There's a whole sea out there, avoiding a few fish in order to remain absolutely above board surely can't be too much to ask. Any idea how the girls parents see things?

HandfulofDust · 07/06/2021 12:09

I see your concern. Your description of this relationship rings no alarm bells but obviously there are ethical issues with tecahers dating students shortly after teaching them (as there could have been grooming going on while the student was still being taught). In this case though he taught her sufficiently long ago that I really don't think it's an isssue.

ExhaustedCatLady · 07/06/2021 12:11

Hi!

Teacher and safeguarding lead checking in!

Generally speaking, relationships (including friendships and even social media contact) with ex-pupils is discouraged, regardless of the age or time lapsed. However, his schools safeguarding policy will set out the schools approach to this relationship.

Some schools have a time limit in place - I've seen 5 and 6 years commonly between when the child leaves school and when a staff member could initiate or respond to contact or a relationship. This doesn't really change even if you more from one school to another. The cultural expectation to be mindful of safeguarding policy is still there. Even if his current school is more lax in their approach.

Regardless of the moral or ethical issue, or whether you think a relationship between a 19 and 25 year old is an issue, it is important that he checks that he is not violating this policy. Safeguarding issues are taken incredibly seriously in teaching and should he ever go back to it if he leaves, he does not want a safeguarding flag on his file. When references are requested between schools, schools must disclose any safeguarding concerns or issues.

3Britnee · 07/06/2021 12:11

I agree with op. People will presume 'he must have fancied her when she was a pupil and what if he fancies another one and acts on it while they are still a pupil?'

hardyloveit · 07/06/2021 12:23

@cheshirecat99 these stories are different to that article though. The teacher got in a relationship in the October after she left. That's a bit obvious it could have been going on prior to her leaving.
The op son taught her 3 years ago now. That quite a while in between

MitheringSunday · 07/06/2021 12:26

In all honesty, if I were the young woman's mother, I would be a bit Hmm about this. I wouldn't pursue any kind of legal route, because this does look to be technically above board in that way, but I would be happier if my daughter weren't seeing her former teacher.

JudgeJ · 07/06/2021 12:27

@StevieKnickerbockerglory

It might reflect badly on him among some other teachers maybe, so I see what you mean.

But, as others have said, I'm not sure why you think he'd be struck off (or whatever the equivalent is for teachers).

As an ex teacher myself I don't think it reflects badly at all with that time gap, I don't think he has anything to worry about.
Randomo · 07/06/2021 12:30

As long as they met /relationship started after she left the school I dont think there is an issue.

JudgeJ · 07/06/2021 12:33

@AlmostSummer21

I think, these days, it could get his reputation tarnished if not directly banned from teaching. Perhaps he should speak to his Head to let them know so it's at least all above ground.
No reason whatsoever to ban him from teaching. People do get a but hysterical about age gaps and relationships between teachers and ex pupils. One day someone if going to bu stupid enough to want to try and ban any relationship ever in which case my parents would have been stuffed! They met up again almost 10years later when she went to teach in a school he subsequently worked in and were married for over 50 years.
Spiderplantsoutside · 07/06/2021 12:36

Is he still at the school or same area? If so this will 100% get back to the current students via l siblings and gossip and even if not technically banned will get him a reputation. Also, if this turns serious can you imagine the conversation when asked “how did you guys meet?” Envy

SirVixofVixHall · 07/06/2021 12:38

I don’t like boundaries being crossed, but this is fine. I don’t think this is a worry at all, they are both young, he is no longer teaching her and hasn’t for some time.

LolitaIsNotRomantic · 07/06/2021 12:38

From the point of view of someone who actually had a relationship with a much older teacher while still at school: the problem with those relationships is the abuse of power and the potential to really damage someone who is by definition more vulnerable. It's the fall out from the whole thing when/if it's found out, the complications, the imbalance, victim blaming etc. The OP's son may have liked this girl back then but the main thing is he didn't act on it. If my shit of a guy had done the same then I'd have a very different story to tell! Plus the age gap now isn't that huge. 19-25 is different, yes, but still roughly the same bracket. If they have a healthy foundation as equal adults I would say it's ok. It's all about context.

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 12:39

There are so many other people he could date so why date an ex student?

Because they like each other and are doing nothing wrong legally or morally.

It is nothing to do with the school, nor with his mother.

Spiderplantsoutside · 07/06/2021 12:39

I also don’t think it’s helpful with people sharing love stories between teachers and ex pupils. Things that were acceptable 20 years ago are not now. Teachers used to openly dare sixth formers!

Spiderplantsoutside · 07/06/2021 12:40

*date not dare

SuperMonkeys · 07/06/2021 12:44

What a small world eh.

Whilst there is nothing technically wrong here, I too would be a bit Hmm

Curioushorse · 07/06/2021 12:47

Ugggh. He'd better be seriously planning to leave teaching, or be committed to lying about this to his colleagues. Legal or not, I haven't worked in a staff room where anybody would be ok with this.

KeepingTrack · 07/06/2021 12:48

I couldnt be bothered to have an issue with that.
I also thik that the 5 or 6 years after the pupil has left school and even if the teacher has moved to another school is over the top.

Appreciate this might be in his contract and he nees to check, at least for his own peace of mind.

But a 16yo at school isn't the sme than an 19yo at Uni. They are both adults. Up to them to act as adults imo.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 07/06/2021 12:51

The relationship is technically above board.

Your DS is showing poor judgement here. It wouldn't take very much for this situation to blow up. An angry parent, a bitter breakup, a jealous colleague, school gossip etc. and this could end up very badly indeed for your DS.

ddl1 · 07/06/2021 13:05

He wasn't dating her while he was her teacher, or even soon afterwards; and she is no longer at school; so I don't see how it would be a problem.

Snoozer11 · 07/06/2021 13:18

@Curioushorse

Ugggh. He'd better be seriously planning to leave teaching, or be committed to lying about this to his colleagues. Legal or not, I haven't worked in a staff room where anybody would be ok with this.
This is a huge overreach.
Blossomtoes · 07/06/2021 13:22

[quote chesirecat99]I think you are right to be concerned. This teacher (30) was struck off for having a relationship with a former pupil. It's a bigger age gap but the ruling found it was inappropriate because it was so soon after the student left school:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-55567572[/quote]
Completely disproportionate. I hope he appealed and won.