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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has an obvious crush on DP

91 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 07/06/2021 10:36

I have known her a couple of years. She is lovely and not married or coupled up herself. She tries to hide it but she very obviously has a crush on DP. She goes very red when around him, laughs a lot in a nervous way and avoids being alone with him. He has even noticed this himself and asks why she will not speak with him. She also seems to be avoiding me a little and seems sad.
As I said, she is lovely and avoiding situations where she is alone with him and definitely not flirting or anything but it is very clear that she likes him. We normally all do things in a group but covid has stopped this. Everytime I have broached the subject of meeting in a group in the future, she makes excuses.
Aibu to assume this friendship now has to be over?

OP posts:
blackbettybramblejam · 07/06/2021 23:27

It may just be she’s a bit shy/ nervous around men. Her dad may have been a scary man, she may have always felt awkward around men in general. I think you’re projecting your own idea into this poor friend.

HangingOver · 08/06/2021 00:09

Does anyone else quite enjoy having crushes...as a side note?

LizzieW1969 · 08/06/2021 00:22

You don’t have any actual evidence that she has a crush on your DH. It sounds as if you want to end the friendship and are using this supposed ‘crush’ as a justification for doing so.

If you don’t like her (and it sounds as if that’s the truth here), she’s frankly better off without your supposed ‘friendship’.

FilthyforFirth · 08/06/2021 06:59

Agree with pp, you seem desperate for her to fancy your DH. You are coming across super odd. Perhaps this is why she is backing off...

Howshouldibehave · 08/06/2021 07:07

She is doing nothing wrong

Yet you say, Aibu to assume this friendship now has to be over?

Nice! Poor girl.

jozipozi31 · 08/06/2021 07:22

@LemonSherbetFancies

Pre covid we all met up a lot as a group to go to music festivals so it seems sad to cut her out of this and invite her only to coffee dates with me but maybe this is the only way forward.
If he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole, what's the problem???

I feel immensely sorry for her. She may be like this around more than just your bloke. She is clearly v shy and doesn't know how to control her instinctive reaction around a guy she finds attractive. And it's so sad as by the sounds of how you've described her, she's physically unappealing herself.

Why would you cut her because of this?? I think on the contrary you should be particularly kind to her. And your partner.

Poor woman. :(

jozipozi31 · 08/06/2021 07:27

I meant and your partner should be kind to her.

And I wouldn't rule out something has happened. Particularly as he's been at pains to tell you just how unattractive she is to him. Particularly because of this.

Also of course she must know you notice.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 08/06/2021 07:27

You are coming across as quite insecure OP.
Years ago I was in an abusive relationship and for several years after got very flustered and uncomfortable around men I didn't know well. Probably went red and laughed nervously like your friend and it was only counselling that helped me work on that. I by no means had a crush on the men I was nervous about btw.

But even if she does have a crush, you have already said your DH wouldn't be interested so why do you care?

donquixotedelamancha · 08/06/2021 07:36

Not to jum- to conclusions but are you sure nothing has ever happened between them?

as she gets nervous and tries to avoid being alone with him are you sure he’s not made a pass at her?

Is it me or does MN need a separate section called 'Your husband is cheating' where, no matter what is posted, the replies always say LTB?

hellywelly3 · 08/06/2021 07:39

I would say it sounds more like she doesn’t like him. I found myself acting weird around a friends partner it was because he really gave me the creeps. He would say really inappropriate things as soon as she was out of ear shot. I just let the friendship fizzle out.

PixieDust28 · 08/06/2021 07:40

Maybe she just doesn't like him? I'm sure if she fancied him she'd want to be around him alone more.

PixieDust28 · 08/06/2021 07:40

@donquixotedelamancha

Not to jum- to conclusions but are you sure nothing has ever happened between them?

as she gets nervous and tries to avoid being alone with him are you sure he’s not made a pass at her?

Is it me or does MN need a separate section called 'Your husband is cheating' where, no matter what is posted, the replies always say LTB?

Exactly my thoughts 😂.
Bard6817 · 08/06/2021 07:44

@LemonSherbetFancies It sounds like she does have a small crush to me - but also doing her best to avoid which is good.

So many jumping to;

  • how dare you comment on her looks
  • husband is guilty of something
  • don’t you have anything better to worry about

I suspect these comments tell you more about respondents to your post than your actual question.

No real advice from me i’m afraid, except be gentle with the lady in question and dont cut her off.

G luck.

Cherryblossomseason12 · 08/06/2021 07:51

I speak from experience here, I have acted like this around one of my friend's husband as I just didn't like him. I felt uncomfortable and awkward so I would have acted like you described. I don't think she likes him.

MaMelon · 08/06/2021 07:58

Is it me or does MN need a separate section called 'Your husband is cheating' where, no matter what is posted, the replies always say LTB?

Definitely this! Grin

OP - if it is a crush then you don't have to do anything, just carry on your friendship with her as normal. She'll see your husband with a bogey hanging out of his nose or something and 'pft', the crush will disappear just like that. Crushes are mortifying, esp when it's obvious you have one on someone (if I can remember that far back...).

Alternatively, she might just not like him very much, or she's seen him in a compromising position with someone else, or she's nervous around all men - or any number of other things.

lunkitsmum · 08/06/2021 08:01

One of my friends husband has what I find an aggressive personality, I struggle to be around him would never want to be left alone with him. I might act nervous around him etc...god I really hope my friend doesn’t think I fancy him...shudder

Echobelly · 08/06/2021 08:02

Why should your friendship be over? She's clearly not making any moves on him, is in fact avoiding it. As others have said, give her time to get over it, it's just a crush and she doesn't want to steal him off you, nor is there any risk of dp being attracted to her.

EssentialHummus · 08/06/2021 08:07

I’ll be honest, the one time I fancied a friend’s husband I treated him badly and acted quite aggressive to counteract what was going on in my head Blush.

But yeah, even assuming you’ve read the situation correctly (and i’m not sure you have) just see her one on one.

LaLoba · 08/06/2021 08:09

OP, I avoided being alone with my sister’s husband. I didn’t get awkward, blush etc, but younger me would have. I had no feelings for him, but his behaviour was giving strong indications that he was likely to do something I’d be obliged to tell my sister if we were alone. I haven’t seen my sister for several years now (unrelated to her husband’s wandering eye, she never did appreciate how much I prioritised her feelings), but I hear they are now divorced. You have no idea what either your friend or husband are thinking, in truth, be careful who you ditch. You may need friends a little further down the line.

MaMaD1990 · 08/06/2021 08:10

I'd just leave her to behave as she is - it's a crush and it'll pass. At least she's not all over him!

cookiecreampie · 08/06/2021 08:19

It depends if you value her as a friend. Maybe it's something you could live with seeing as he doesn't fancy her back. My DH is attractive and I think a friend quite likes the look of him, but it's not something that really concerns me.

MrsBongiovi · 08/06/2021 08:27

People are attracted to other people all the time. She’s not trying sleep with him so I don’t understand why it matters. Just act normal around her.

TableFlowerss · 08/06/2021 08:45

I’m going against the grain here. When you get feelings for someone, it’s generally because there’s been some interactions with them.

Of course we’re all aware of whether we find someone attractive or not and whether someone would be our type, however… I can honestly say, I would never ‘fancy’ and of my friends/families partners.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t be able to see they are objectively good looking, but no way would that turn in to a crush, where like a school kid, you turn red when you see them, get giggly and flustered.

The reason I’d never feel like this about my friends DH’s extra is because it’s like an innate reaction to know that that’s a no go. Like you’d never have a crush on your cousin etc… it’s like your mind knows not to go there.

Some people obviously do go there and then have affairs. I’m this situation that’s unlikely to happen by what you’ve said, he’s not attracted to her.

Sorry but I find it weird.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 08/06/2021 13:21

@TableFlowerss

I’m going against the grain here. When you get feelings for someone, it’s generally because there’s been some interactions with them.

Of course we’re all aware of whether we find someone attractive or not and whether someone would be our type, however… I can honestly say, I would never ‘fancy’ and of my friends/families partners.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t be able to see they are objectively good looking, but no way would that turn in to a crush, where like a school kid, you turn red when you see them, get giggly and flustered.

The reason I’d never feel like this about my friends DH’s extra is because it’s like an innate reaction to know that that’s a no go. Like you’d never have a crush on your cousin etc… it’s like your mind knows not to go there.

Some people obviously do go there and then have affairs. I’m this situation that’s unlikely to happen by what you’ve said, he’s not attracted to her.

Sorry but I find it weird.

People can’t help who they are attracted to. Likening being attracted to a friends partner and a blood family member is irrelevant, that is to do with the cousin being a strong presence throughout your life, which accounts for how often people who are estranged at a young age from siblings sometimes develop intense attraction for each other. Not great but not uncommon. You can congratulate yourself on your strong morals for not being attracted to your friends partners but it has nothing to do with your psychology. Shaming people who have inappropriate crushes, especially when they do their best not to act on them, seems cruel to me.
MarshaBradyo · 08/06/2021 13:23

Poor thing it’s not easy to go red and feel that way

I agree with pp just meet up with him around