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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has an obvious crush on DP

91 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 07/06/2021 10:36

I have known her a couple of years. She is lovely and not married or coupled up herself. She tries to hide it but she very obviously has a crush on DP. She goes very red when around him, laughs a lot in a nervous way and avoids being alone with him. He has even noticed this himself and asks why she will not speak with him. She also seems to be avoiding me a little and seems sad.
As I said, she is lovely and avoiding situations where she is alone with him and definitely not flirting or anything but it is very clear that she likes him. We normally all do things in a group but covid has stopped this. Everytime I have broached the subject of meeting in a group in the future, she makes excuses.
Aibu to assume this friendship now has to be over?

OP posts:

Frogcorset · 07/06/2021 12:59

Describe ‘tender looks’. Honestly, OP, you are clearly putting this unfortunate woman’s micro expressions under the microscope. It seems like a giant leap to assume she fancies him. Maybe she doesn’t like hanging around in your group any more, hence her refusals to make future plans — you can’t have seen one another collectively in ages, anyway, surely? Maybe she dislikes your DH, hence her reluctance to be alone with him. Maybe he’s dreadful to be around one on one, and she’s struggling with liking you and disliking your DH? Maybe she’s shy or socially anxious, hence the blushes. Maybe she has a stomach ache.

All these are just as plausible as deciding your friend has a giant crush on your husband.

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 07/06/2021 13:01

It could be the total opposite. She might actually feel really very uncomfortable in his presence.

toocold54 · 07/06/2021 13:36

Honestly I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. My friends DH is like this around me but I know he doesn’t fancy me he’s just not used to being around the opposite sex. I would say a know a few people who get nervous around people they don’t know if they’re the opposite sex.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/06/2021 13:44

This is how I am around men I fancy. It is awkward and horrible and I wish I had some of the confidence that other women have to openly flirt, not that I would with someone else’s DH. It’s a form of anxiety, cut her some slack, she is trying her best to avoid any situations with him. Meet up with her without him. This will pass, she’ll move onto someone else or and she will eventually wonder what the hell she was thinking.

Sydney88 · 07/06/2021 13:56

Why do you think you need to end the friendship OP? Is there something more to this? It sounds like your friend is being perfectly decent and considerate over feelings (assuming that they are indeed there) that she has no control over. As others have said, if it is just making you feel uncomfortable, only meet one-on-one and invite her to group events.

Also, why are her looks relevant? Even if she was your DP’s type, would you be worried that your DP would cheat on you? If so, it would seem to me that this is not an issue with your friend.

Sally872 · 07/06/2021 13:57

I would invite her to anything you normally invite her to and not be offended if she declines. I would also make an effort to see her without dh for coffee and some nights out too.

I love seeing my friends without our partners, it is a different dynamic. Nice to socialise as a couple and on my own.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 07/06/2021 13:59

@bungaloid

The only way to know for sure is to make them both do Strictly Come Dancing together and see if anything happens.

😅😅😅😅😅

AntiSocialDistancer · 07/06/2021 14:03

She'll grow out of it! Invite her as you normally would and let her sort it out.

OhDeerKnee · 07/06/2021 14:11

@AnyFucker

I think you both sound a bit “horrible” actually

Maybe she senses you have been discussing this “crush” she has and now finds it difficult to act naturally around you both

This. Poor woman. So she goes a bit red, I go red sometimes and it has nothing to do with physical attraction. Maybe she doesn’t like him and that’s why she gets flustered and avoids him, you’re jumping to conclusions. If she is attracted to him, she is avoiding talking to him so she’s trying. Just ignore it and carry on, you’re being unfair to disclude her based on an assumption. Also, who sits around talking about their friends looks?

BaronessOfTheNorth · 07/06/2021 14:11

I've never known anyone act like this when they fancy someone. Are you sure she isn't just shy around men?

I probably am like this around people I don't like (without the looks of apparent longing - only longing for them to disappear from my presence).

If you're right and she does in fact fancy him, why would you stop inviting her places with you? You don't need to act any differently - just invite her and if she wants to attend she will.

My friend has (or had) a crush on my husband (she told me when she was drunk) it doesn't bother me at all, he's very charming! My DH does not comment on her physical attributes however, which is really nasty of him.

RoseGoldEagle · 07/06/2021 14:55

I am blusher, I can blush if some random person in the office asks me a question when I’m not expecting it- despite not even remotely having feelings for that person. (I can blush when women do this too). I don’t know why. As I’ve got older I care less, so it’s a bit better (previously I’d feel myself blush, feel mortified I was blushing, and then go even redder). So she may not necessarily have a crush on your DP. If she does, it sounds like she’s doing everything she can to avoid him, so I really don’t think it means the friendship would have to end. I think you’re being a bit overly dramatic about it!

Skysblue · 07/06/2021 15:05

If she’s really your friend then you’ll feel compassion for her situation (single and crushing on unavailable man) and find ways to meet up with her so is just you and her.

If she’s just an acquaintance then yeah it’s over.

misskick · 07/06/2021 18:57

I think you are totally jumping to a conclusion here. I am the same around men, and it is from a abusive past. You don't know what's going on in someone else life or past to just automatically assume she fancy's your partner. You don't seem like a very good friend just to assume that!

Original poster

LemonSherbetFancies · 07/06/2021 21:48

I have known her years so know her type (My DP). He is always kind to her and I know she values men who have personalities like his.
We were not dissecting her looks or being mean, I just know what he is attracted to.

OP posts:

Sportsnight · 07/06/2021 22:11

It seems really unlikely from your description. Unless perhaps she’s very young? It’s all a bit Jane Austen, with longing glances. Who does that? She might be avoiding you because you’re making her uncomfortable? It sounds like you’re really scrutinising her interactions and that must feel awkward for her?

Original poster

LemonSherbetFancies · 07/06/2021 22:29

We are all in our fifties so not young by any stretch of the imagination

OP posts:

badg3r · 07/06/2021 22:34

If tou know her well enough, can you just ask her? As in ask if she has a crush on him because you get a feeling she does, if she says yes then you can sympathise with how much a of pain it is (it sounds pretty clear she doesn't want to feel this way) and that till it passes does she want to attend group things or do more one to one stuff? It'll maybe feel better out in the open. Poor woman must be mortified!

AnyFucker · 07/06/2021 22:36

Goodness, you are very invested in this woman fancying your husband.

You sound a bit strange

AnyFucker · 07/06/2021 22:37

Partner. Whatever.

SemperIdem · 07/06/2021 22:40

you seem like you really want this to be true. I know the lockdown has been boring but there are other, less malicious ways, to spice things up.

grapewine · 07/06/2021 22:51

Just ignore it. Don't analyse looks etc. But if you're looking for an excuse to end the friendship I guess you have it.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/06/2021 23:00

@badg3r

Please do not ask her. She will already be mortified, why make it worse?

Pewpew · 07/06/2021 23:02

Omg stop being naive- end the friendship

dogsandfish · 07/06/2021 23:15

Im awkward round men full stop and sometimes blush, stutter. It doesn't mean I fancy them! I think you are looking too much into this...

Frogcorset · 07/06/2021 23:16

@AnyFucker

Goodness, you are very invested in this woman fancying your husband.

You sound a bit strange

Yes, exactly this. And that he definitely, definitely doesn’t fancy her back.

You say you’ve known her for ‘a couple of years’, but a good chunk of that has been Covid so she’s hardly been seeing you or your husband a lot, and you say that she’s not married or in a relationship, but seem awfully well-versed in the type of man she likes and, lo and behold, it’s your husband.

I mean, there’re all kinds of reasons she might seem flustered or nervous in company — and if she’s in her 50s, surely hot flushes are one obvious possible explanation of the redness — or reluctant to hang out with you, but you seem utterly determined that this is the only explanation, and want to end the friendship because of it.despite the fact that even if it were true, she appears to be behaving with restraint, by avoiding him and turning down group invitations. I mean, what else do you want her to do? Confess all and emigrate?

In your shoes, I’d be asking myself why I was so adamant my friend fancied my husband. Do you like the idea of someone else wanting what you’ve got?

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