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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No birthday presents- AIBU?

69 replies

BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 22:36

NC for this as potentially outing. It's my birthday today and DH has bought me....nothing. Not even a card.

DH is kind & generous- he has bought me some nice presents over the years, but almost never for my actual birthday or Christmas. I have explained several times that I would like a few stocking filler type things to unwrap on the day itself. They could be really tiny - a soap, a notebook, things like that. He usually does get a couple of things for Christmas, but often nothing for my birthday. He hasn't marked it in any way today, except to say Happy Birthday this morning. I always mark his birthday and get him presents, a cake etc.

I know I'm probably being childish, especially as he is generous and does a lot to help me, but this birthday thing just makes me feel so hurt and humiliated. I feel so grabby, asking for presents, and then humiliated that I still didn't get any. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/06/2021 22:39

No, YANBU.

What's his reasoning?

Bassetlover · 06/06/2021 22:40

No not at all! Celebrating your partner's birthday is an indicator that you care for them. Have you told him how hurt this makes you feel? If so, what does he say?
You should stop buying him gifts and cards if it isn't reciprocated, see how he feels.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 06/06/2021 22:42

YANBU.

bloodyhell19 · 06/06/2021 22:44

No, not unreasonable at all - not even a card or flowers? I think your DH is being a bit of a CF if you do birthday presents for him. I would be upset.

Original poster
BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 22:48

@WorraLiberty

No, YANBU.

What's his reasoning?

He says doesn't know what to get me, which I think is rubbish because the type of presents I am thinking of are so small that you can't really go wrong. I've said I don't even mind having a bag of Haribo- I just want something to unwrap on the day.

He has bought me generous and well-chosen presents in the past, so it's definitely not that he is tight with money or incapable of making good choices.

IME he doesn't really have a reason, which is why it's so hurtful.

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 06/06/2021 22:49

That's mean. Don't buy cards/cakes for his birthday..

ShowMeHow · 06/06/2021 22:56

I have a birthday coming up. I agreed a budget with DH and chose and ordered what I wanted. Kids and DH will wrap and manage cards. I’d rather not have any surprises anyhow - which is just as well ! Over the years I have learned to appreciate this method and would recommend it x

TrickorTreacle · 06/06/2021 22:58

Does he buy birthday and Christmas presents for his own friends and family? That could be an indicator.

LagunaBubbles · 06/06/2021 22:59

IME he doesn't really have a reason, which is why it's so hurtful

Oh I totally agree with you, its odd to if he gets you presents at other times. Is your relationship generally OK?

Original poster
BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 23:04

@TrickorTreacle

Does he buy birthday and Christmas presents for his own friends and family? That could be an indicator.
His family usually only buy each other presents if they're actually going to be seeing each other on the occasion (e.g. someone's birthday). But they all do the same, so obviously that's fair enough.

If we are seeing them for a birthday/Christmas, DH gets their presents.

OP posts:
mumofthree22 · 06/06/2021 23:05

@BirthdayLetdown did he spoil you in other ways eg take you out for a meal or have champagne instead?

Itsamess8456 · 06/06/2021 23:08

We are similar in our house. We just don't "do" birthdays in such a big way. It's not for any religious reason - we just cannot be bothered to get caught up in the consumerism of it all.

Original poster
BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 23:09

@LagunaBubbles

IME he doesn't really have a reason, which is why it's so hurtful

Oh I totally agree with you, its odd to if he gets you presents at other times. Is your relationship generally OK?

I think it's good on the whole. And this issue has been going on for years, on and off.

TBH, I wouldn't even have been bothered about the presents if he'd got me some flowers and a cake or something. It's the total lack of acknowledgment, after I have explained that it's important to me, which is upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 23:10

[quote mumofthree22]@BirthdayLetdown did he spoil you in other ways eg take you out for a meal or have champagne instead? [/quote]
No. We saw a friend earlier, but I arranged that, and she didn't know it was my birthday.

OP posts:
JackieQueen · 06/06/2021 23:11

Happy birthday opFlowers. Sorry to hear about your disappointment, have you told him how hurt you feel?

Blueberry40 · 06/06/2021 23:18

I can understand why you would feel upset and YANBU at all! As previous poster said, if he finds you so difficult to buy for can he set a budget and you can send him links for what you might like? Or at least have an agreement that he makes the effort to buy you a card/flowers and maybe take you out for a meal.

As long as he can afford this, I really can’t see why he would object- it’s not about consumerism, it’s about acknowledging the person you love and making them feel a bit special. Why would he not want to do that?

LittleOwl153 · 06/06/2021 23:19

Clearly you have to delete his birthday from your calendar going forward. And then decide whether you can live with his lack of respect for you.

Cryalot2 · 06/06/2021 23:37

Flowers a very happy birthday . So sorry you got nothing.

Moonface123 · 06/06/2021 23:52

Happy Birthday .
If this has happened previously you need to maybe treat yourself and say l got myself x y and z off you as you always say you don't know what to get me, and make sure he gives you the money back. And make sure it is something nice as you deserve it.

Daisylg · 06/06/2021 23:58

YANBU and frankly I would embarrass him and say “ have you really not got me a present on my birthday?” He cannot plead ignorance anymore because you have told him more than once you would like a gift, so him ignoring this is just being a dick really. It’s not hard to buy a box of chocs or some flowers or some nice new pjs or a purse etc, so he can’t make out he hasn’t got a clue it’s common sense. Poor you OP I hope somebody in your life remembered and got you a gift xxFlowers

eatitgood · 07/06/2021 03:36

That is really shit op. I'm sorry. Not good enough at all.

Happy birthday 🥳

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 04:02

It was mines yesterday OP, a very Happy Birthday to you 🎂🎁🥂🎉

He's been really shitty putting in no effort whatsoever.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/06/2021 04:38

Happy belated birthday.

Imagine this has nothing to do with your birthday. Imagine it was a different issue you'd raised in the past, talked about and then he completely disregarded your conversation when the time came. Every single time. How would you handle that?

In terms of your birthday there are some good ideas above such as choosing yourself something lovely and him paying for it or not acknowledging his birthday at all. The latter seems a road to further disconnection to me.

It takes no effort to arrange cake or flowers and you've given him loads of suggestions for this. Quite simply he can't be bothered.

FierceBarrie · 07/06/2021 04:41

Gosh. That’s really not OK.

But you’ve told him, and he still doesn’t give enough of a shit to raise his game?

I honestly don’t know what to suggest.

Happy birthday, though Cake Wine

colouringcrayons · 07/06/2021 04:45

I couldn't handle this personally, it is one thing to do it before you said anything but another to do it again now he knows.

Certainly do not get anything for his birthday. I'm sorry op, I think this is very poor from him.

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