No birthday presents- AIBU?

[BirthdayLetdown]

NC for this as potentially outing. It's my birthday today and DH has bought me....nothing. Not even a card.

DH is kind & generous- he has bought me some nice presents over the years, but almost never for my actual birthday or Christmas. I have explained several times that I would like a few stocking filler type things to unwrap on the day itself. They could be really tiny - a soap, a notebook, things like that. He usually does get a couple of things for Christmas, but often nothing for my birthday. He hasn't marked it in any way today, except to say Happy Birthday this morning. I always mark his birthday and get him presents, a cake etc.

I know I'm probably being childish, especially as he is generous and does a lot to help me, but this birthday thing just makes me feel so hurt and humiliated. I feel so grabby, asking for presents, and then humiliated that I still didn't get any. AIBU?

This is awful. In your shoes I would be so cross and would tell him so. As you said,it could have just been a simple stocking filler and a card but the lack shows total disinterest.

I would be explaining my disappointment in words of one syllable.

My husband is exactly the same, this year I specifically told him I wanted a cake and some sort of suprise - didnt have to be big could just have been a bunch if flowers. He did make me a cake (after asking me to pick a recipe and buy all the ingredients) But I didn't get a present or a card. It hurts as like you I don't want anything extravagant just an acknowledgement, if I mention it he just gets miserable and goes on about how useless he's been so I end up trying to cheer him up.

He doesn't care about celebrating his own birthday so I think he just can't understand why anyone else wants to and I doubt it's ever going to change for me unfortunately so just have to get used to it. He doesn't send his mum mother's day cards etc and only sends presents for family birthdays as I hassle him about it (I refuse to sort them for him!)

If any men are reading this BUY YOUR PARNERS PRESENTS FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY!!
No exceptions!
That is very bad OP and l would be very disappointed too. My birthday is soon and dh is not the most imaginative gift buyer but he usually gets me a few new plants for the garden as l am usually big into that at this time of year and always have a wish list..and some nice pots or something like that. They bring me pleasure for the whole Summer and beyond.
I think you are going to have to be very forceful about this saying, as already suggested..seriously have you bought me nothing for my birthday? And don't laugh it off. It is important and you have had enough!!

Stop buying presents for your dh and see how he feels. What a lazy nasty dick he is.

A friend's partner used to do this. He made out he was taking some kind of moral stand. He didn't object to her buying him a card and presents - he wouldn't dream of interfering with her choices - but he wouldn't stoop to such frivolities himself. She has patience of saint and has been chipping away for years and he has come around a bit now. He is still grudging and complaining but she gets a card and a gift.

Something similar to you has been happening recently between me and a friend. I'd always be remembering her birthday and buying her a lovely gift, and in return she would get me nothing for mine (last year she even forgot my birthday) and has previously said 'oh but I don't know what you'd like' as a cop out for avoiding spending the time to choose me something - I feel that someone who is as close as a partner or long-term friend ought to know you well enough to be able to pick ONE sodding gift for you one day a year.

Needless to say I've cut off my present buying to her now, and continue to make a big deal/buy presents for the other friends we mutually know in the hope that it sends a strong message. It might work for you?

Well if he thinks present buying isn't necessary for birthdays, you know what to do. He gets nothing either. I hope his birthday is approaching.

We are similar in our house. We just don't "do" birthdays in such a big way. It's not for any religious reason - we just cannot be bothered to get caught up in the consumerism of it all.

Surely the 'consumerism' comes from feeling duty-bound to buy a great big sack of extravagant presents/tat, just for the sake of it? We all have nice things/special treat items that we want/need - would you really not think to buy one or two of those items for somebody and give it to them on their birthday - just as a small expression of love?

I think it's actually even worse that he isn't one of those men who just doesn't have a clue about presents: it isn't utter hopelessness but something he is well able to do, but has deliberately chosen not to bother.

Unless it is for religious/deeply-held personal beliefs, I really cannot understand how you could watch a loved one's birthday come and go and not even think/bother to buy a card or at least a token present.

It would be like somebody telling you that you aren't allowed to say thank you (just as an experiment) out in public - when somebody holds a door for you, gives you your change in a shop etc. - surely you'd just fail automatically, unless you were very good at clamping your mouth shut at the very last minute?

Even something like an Amazon voucher would fit the bill. You can spend it on virtually anything you like - and it takes less than a minute to buy without getting up from your armchair, if you can't be bothered to go to the supermarket and pick up an actual physical card.

Same with cards - Moonpig and others let you order into the evening and then deliver the next day and you don't even have to write in it or even open it yourself.

@Dumpling89

Something similar to you has been happening recently between me and a friend. I'd always be remembering her birthday and buying her a lovely gift, and in return she would get me nothing for mine (last year she even forgot my birthday) and has previously said 'oh but I don't know what you'd like' as a cop out for avoiding spending the time to choose me something - I feel that someone who is as close as a partner or long-term friend ought to know you well enough to be able to pick ONE sodding gift for you one day a year.

Needless to say I've cut off my present buying to her now, and continue to make a big deal/buy presents for the other friends we mutually know in the hope that it sends a strong message. It might work for you?

Maybe she just doesn't want to buy gifts for friends? There's no need to punish her for it. I don't like it either. It's enough to deal with family.

@supadupapupascupa

I can categorically tell you that it isn't because she doesn't want to buy presents for her friends. It is just pure laziness.

Yanbu. I not a birthday person but if course I'll put important birthdays in my calendar and do a card, gift and for a partner nice meal in the evening. He knows it's important to you so there really is no excuse for not making any effort at all.

It is my aim to not receive any presents for my birthday - people, mostly DH, panic and buy any old crap. I'm not into bunches of flowers (that die) boxes of chocolate (that I'm not keen on) etc.
After all these years he should KNOW that.

@Ariela

It is my aim to not receive any presents for my birthday - people, mostly DH, panic and buy any old crap. I'm not into bunches of flowers (that die) boxes of chocolate (that I'm not keen on) etc. After all these years he should KNOW that.

That's nice for you but clearly not how the OP feels. Especially if you still have people celebrate you somehow. We have moved more towards experiences than presents but it's still nice to feel remembered.

You are not being unreasonable, I would be very disappointed. I am big into birthdays, and for family I always make cakes and decorate the house (even for myself )My husband never used to give cards (I live abroad and it’s not really part of the culture here) but I spoke to him about it and now I always get a card with a thoughtful message, and a simple present. If the excuse is ‘not knowing what to buy’ give some ideas...it doesn’t have to be a specific item, maybe just a shop you love where he’ll be sure to get fixed up. No excuses!

I have the opposite problem - DH insists on buying me something for my birthday even though I'd rather he didn't. I think present buying (or not buying) just seems to be something that is hardwired into individuals. Your DH can't the see the point of buying you something "just because". I suspect it's quite likely that you buy him things for his birthday that he doesn't want and he wonders why. The answer, as it is to most things, is simply better communication. You need to explain that it doesn't matter that he thinks doing x is stupid, you appreciate it and would still like him to. You might have to rethink some of your own behaviour as well though.

Stop buying him a card or present for his birthday.

Sorry OP. He just doesn’t care enough to want to make sure you have a lovely day. Or he knows you’re so used to his monumental lack of effort that he feels he doesn’t have to bother. I would be unbelievably hurt in your shoes.

DH is kind & generous

He really isn't OP.

Well if it was me, the first year he pulled a stunt like that would be the prompt to get him fuck all in the future.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you OP.

Happy belated Birthday, I'm sorry you are married to such a selfish, thoughtless and disrespectful twat.

The fact that he knows this is important to you but still doesn’t bother speaks volumes. It’s lazy and disrespectful. He’s saying your feelings on this count for nothing.

Sit him down tonight and show him this thread. Or at least tell him how hurtful his attitude to this is. Tell him he should be better than that.

Make an Amazon wish list - pre approved surprises 😁

I think it is hurtful. I think it is done on purpose so you feel down/sad.

Would he care if you didn't get him a birthday present? I'd not be giving him anything for Xmas or birthdays for a few years and see what happens!

Yeah that’s not the act of a kind and generous man op. It’s the act of a rather tight cunty one. Start doing rhe same on his birthday and also treat yourself. So buy yourself something wonderful to open on your birthday.

Well he's not actually kind and generous is he?