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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday presents- AIBU?

69 replies

BirthdayLetdown · 06/06/2021 22:36

NC for this as potentially outing. It's my birthday today and DH has bought me....nothing. Not even a card.

DH is kind & generous- he has bought me some nice presents over the years, but almost never for my actual birthday or Christmas. I have explained several times that I would like a few stocking filler type things to unwrap on the day itself. They could be really tiny - a soap, a notebook, things like that. He usually does get a couple of things for Christmas, but often nothing for my birthday. He hasn't marked it in any way today, except to say Happy Birthday this morning. I always mark his birthday and get him presents, a cake etc.

I know I'm probably being childish, especially as he is generous and does a lot to help me, but this birthday thing just makes me feel so hurt and humiliated. I feel so grabby, asking for presents, and then humiliated that I still didn't get any. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 17:05

Sit him down tonight and show him this thread

Don’t do that. If he doesn’t care when you tell him some randoms on mumsent aren’t going to sway him. He’s not going to give a shit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/06/2021 17:06

You want a soap or a notebook?

Sorry, but are you 8?

If he's generous in every thing else; stop being such a princess.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 17:08

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You want a soap or a notebook?

Sorry, but are you 8?

If he's generous in every thing else; stop being such a princess.

Wow that’s horrible for no reason

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/06/2021 17:10

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You want a soap or a notebook?

Sorry, but are you 8?

If he's generous in every thing else; stop being such a princess.

Why are you so unnecessarily nasty? Jesus Christ!

I love nice notebooks and got given a really nice locally, hand made soap set for Christmas which makes my hands smell lovely and is really nice. It's hardly relevant if OP wanted a my little pony though is it? Buying a small token gift for someone's birthday really is minimal effort and something her partner should make the effort to do.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 17:13

Whe exactly had he bought you generous and well thought through presents in the past op?

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 17:14

Also what do you mean he is generous and does a a lot to help you? Do you work?

PiuVinoPerFavore · 07/06/2021 17:17

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You want a soap or a notebook?

Sorry, but are you 8?

If he's generous in every thing else; stop being such a princess.

Maybe the things you would like as a present would seem ridiculous to other people? We're all different... wanting your husband to make any small gesture on your birthday does not make you a princess. It makes you a human with feelings.

Your comment was unkind and bitchy.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 07/06/2021 17:21

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You want a soap or a notebook?

Sorry, but are you 8?

If he's generous in every thing else; stop being such a princess.

Hope no one buys you any birthday presents. What a spiteful, unnecessary comment.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 07/06/2021 17:32

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Looking at your username so would be a bit of kindness to the OP.

Totally needless nastiness. Do you feel better now?

Stealhsquirrelnutkin · 07/06/2021 17:38

As someone who is crap at choosing presents and tends to end up overspending on gifts that are not appreciated I have sympathy for other people who are equally lacking in present choosing ability.

Can you add a few reminders to his digital calendar? Birthday in 14 days, check wishlist and buy present. Birthday in 7 days, buy and write card. Birthday tomorrow, organise cake and flowers. Then all you need to do is leave your wish list somewhere obvious and prod him a bit to make sure he is following instructions.

MissyB1 · 07/06/2021 17:45

Near to Christmas I send an email to my dh entitled “Dear Santa” to make sure he has the right ideas

PiuVinoPerFavore · 07/06/2021 19:44

@Stealhsquirrelnutkin

As someone who is crap at choosing presents and tends to end up overspending on gifts that are not appreciated I have sympathy for other people who are equally lacking in present choosing ability.

Agree it is hard to get the right present, but no reason not to get flowers, card, fizz, lunch out or something to make it special

Orla1970 · 07/06/2021 22:23

I think this is shit and no wonder you feel hurt. I would be exactly the same. So he enjoys the fuss you make of him on his birthday but doesn’t reciprocate.

Everyone has different experiences of birthdays. When I first met my husband I realised v quickly that his family never made a fuss. His mother gives him a cheque for 20 quid every year that he never cashes. This has went on for years. The first year we were together his birthday was up first. I booked a night away at posh hotel. Got them to lay on a cake and champagne and bought him a few wee thoughtful gifts. He was blown away. She said I was very extravagant. He got the message.

I like treating people on their birthday. I get joy from picking pressies that they will like THEREFORE I like birthdays and would like if he made an effort on mine. He has since. Sometimes the gifts are not exactly what I would pick myself but the thought is def there. I would be very very upset if my birthday came and he did fuck all. I get where people are coming from advising you to stop getting him a birthday cake and pressies but I wouldn’t agree. I think I would sit him down and tell him you are incredibly hurt. That you can’t shake the feeling. That as your husband you expect him to celebrate your birthday and as such you will have your belated birthday next week and that it’s over to him to make it up to you. You expect a fuss and that you’ll chop his balls of if he doesn’t deliver 🤣. Seriously he needs to be told. It’s unacceptable.

My husband says I’m a nightmare to buy for but he now has a system. He goes onto John Lewis website for most occasions - birthday, Christmas, valentines etc and just goes to ‘gifts for her’. He is quite delighted with himself. He mostly manages to get me things I like. Couple of duffers but in the main good. In the early days I did have to give him some tips eg look in my bathroom and clock the brands I use, look at what I buy myself - makes of scarves/jewellery/chocolate. He actually noted these in his phone! 🤣. He likes the fuss me and my family make of him on his birthday so he now does the same.

I once told an ex boyfriend that I always got balloons on my birthday and he believed me. Went to Tesco at midnight and was quite out of puff when he eventually came to bed after filling the living room with balloons. He was not best pleased next day when I said I’d never had balloons before 🤣

Anyway I do hope your husband sees the light and fixes this. Sending belated birthday wishes xxx

billy1966 · 07/06/2021 22:36

Very poor behaviour, especially as he knows it is hurtful to you.

I must be a deeply intolerant person because this wouldn't happen twice to me.

Flowers and wine would be fine for me, it is more about the gesture at this point as I no longer have any interest in any more jewelry.

Happy birthday to you.

scatteredglitter · 07/06/2021 23:37

I keep a wish list of birthday gifts i randomly add stuff i see or like at any time of year and send it to DH about 2 months before my b day.
way i figure is i spend most of the year keeping everyone else happy - i do the lions share of planning for every event and non event from anniversaries to dentist appointments to school book shopping in our household calendar. Dh is grand but he s not a planner, he will do what ever he is tasked with in a time line, but he doesn't carry the emotional load. and he is abysmal at choosing giftsz and i want a nice gift i have hankered after be it rhe lovely smelling soap or bijoux necklace charm 😂

BeeCool · 08/06/2021 15:05

Yeah that’s not the act of a kind and generous man op. It’s the act of a rather tight cunty one. Start doing rhe same on his birthday and also treat yourself. So buy yourself something wonderful to open on your birthday.

Absolutely this and I'd be buying myself a present on his birthday too.

Quickchangeartiste · 08/06/2021 15:13

I just had this from DH and MIL. Despite supporting her and therefore him during lockdown; despite being regularly asked to buy gifts for other family members on both their behalf(s).
I am still really pissed - no excuses, even petrol station flowers would have been fine.
So no more favours from e. His mother, his problem.

MasterBeth · 08/06/2021 16:13

Kick up a fuss. Scream. Cry. Shout. Whatever it takes for your husband to realise how upset this makes you. You’ve tried being reasonable. Be unreasonably angry.

billy1966 · 08/06/2021 20:21

@Quickchangeartiste

I just had this from DH and MIL. Despite supporting her and therefore him during lockdown; despite being regularly asked to buy gifts for other family members on both their behalf(s). I am still really pissed - no excuses, even petrol station flowers would have been fine. So no more favours from e. His mother, his problem.

Good for you.👏👏 It is NOT good to suck this type of behaviour up.

A big healthy step back is called for.

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