Saying NO to Visitors Quarentining in Our House

[SunshineDad2021]

Or rather are me and my wife being unreasonable that we don't want visitors quarentining in our house with our newborn? We have a small house, and they wouldn't be able to leave at all for the 10 day period.
They are now being incredibly spiteful and sulking. Not only is space an issue (an extra 4 people in our home), they aren't even acknowledging the potential risk of illness to us and our newborn baby. They are spoiling a time that should be special and happy because we have said no and asked to compromise on the visit happening when quarentine is no longer required. They are being completely unreasonable because they've not got their own way and now we just feel like we have to hide what we are doing as a family just to avoid the abusive/bullying/emotionally manipulative behaviour.
My wife is understandably upset at whats happened. Now we dread the visit at all if this is how it is going to be, which makes us both really sad as we did want to see these people when ready and able to.

They sound overbearing and like the type of people who have children to look after them when they are old. I bet they expect you to have lunch at theirs every Sunday when you were in the same country regardless of whether you wanted to do something else for a change.

I’ve got a friend with in-laws like this and it got worse once she had her DD. She’s started putting boundaries in place like you sound have so well done. Stand your ground.

I use the grey rock method for dealing with my mum - as she has a very poor understanding of boundaries. I just do not engage in any attempts at emotional blackmail. I just gave my answer with no justification and do not respond ever to any angry messages. Life has been so much better since doing this.

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.insider.com/how-to-use-gray-rock-method-narcissist-no-contact-2019-6%3famp

They need to postpone their trip. I know it's been hard for people with relatives overseas over the last year or so, but it is what it is, and if they can't stay in a hotel etc to quarantine, then they can't come. End of. You visiting them later in the year is a good compromise, perfectly reasonable.

It sounds like you don't have room for 4 people to stay, pandemic or not, so it's probably good to knock that expectation on the head once and for all if it's likely that you and them living in separate countries is likely to be the situation for the foreseeable.

@Auntienumber8

DH has a relative that travelled through two amber list countries and wanted to visit us as they had spare time, they gave a couple of day’s notice. They are also exempt from the 10 day quarantine as have business paperwork,

On that subject...if it helps, possibly a bit of ammunition - the essential worker rules quite only offer exemptions from quarantine to:

" conduct the specific exempt activity or travelling directly to and from your accommodation and a location for the purposes of this work. You must quarantine at all other times during your stay."

In other words for many of the listed occupations it's not permitted to break quarantine simply to socialise....it varies from occupation to occupation, more details here:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-travellers-exempt-from-uk-border-rules/coronavirus-covid-19-travellers-

They just want a free stay. I hope you now stop bending over backwards and call out their manipulative behaviour.

Well done for putting your wife and child first. Lots of these posts come from new mothers not coping as they have their in-laws descend upon them with no support from their partners. Stay strong 💪

No no no.....they cannot stay. Stay firm you are doing the right thing for your family. Good luck standing firm- maybe don't take their calls for a while.

You'd have a have a really really big house to make that practical.no way would it work in a small home with a newborn.dont give in or feel bad!

Stop engaging with their sulking and emotional blackmail. Send a further text it phone call saying:

Of course this is not because I don't care about you. I want you all to be part of the baby's life and you are important to me. At the same time I need to make sure that we are all safe and well, and make the visit pleasurable. Therefore you can't stay with us at this time. I won't be discussing this again. Once it is ok to do so we will visit you.

Well done for standing firm on this. You know you are right, keep doing what you are doing. It's not so easy to do this to your own parents but you're absolutely doing the right thing and protecting your family (in lots of ways actually).

@PurpleMustang

Two other quotes I have see on Mumsnet

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect

Givers need to know and strengthen their boundries because the takers do not have any

I'd just state , one more time , that they have to quarantine by themselves when they arrive. They aren't allowed to quarantine with you.

Do they actually know what quarantine means? If they can't afford to quarantine in the country they're visiting then they can't come. It's that simple. And surely they (and you) could be fined if reported.
Can they afford to pay that?

not unreasonable, even without a newborn the answer would be no! Cheeky fuckers.

Stand firm and do not engage with them until they can see yoru point of view and how selfish they are being

so cancel it!
stand up for yourselves and don't let people manipulate you.

say no
and let them sulk

I need to stop speaking to my Mother but I am such a coward and unconfrontational, she's always bullied us in to things but I won't break. I think my wife will leave me if I do.
@Bluesheep8 no I don't think she does know. I know why she is upset about not meeting the baby but it is all about her all the time has been my whole life.

The child within me just wants the country to go on the red list and stay there for the next 3 years after all of this drama

It's time to grow up, OP, and get a backbone with these people. They're being abusive to you. They have no respect for you, your family, your own child. They come first.

Stop contacting them or responding to them at all. Just nothing.

@SunshineDad2021

I need to stop speaking to my Mother but I am such a coward and unconfrontational, she's always bullied us in to things but I won't break. I think my wife will leave me if I do. *@Bluesheep8* no I don't think she does know. I know why she is upset about not meeting the baby but it is all about her all the time has been my whole life.

The child within me just wants the country to go on the red list and stay there for the next 3 years after all of this drama

You need to stop speaking to your mother. And yes, I would leave you if you continued to capitulate to her.

I use the grey rock method for dealing with my mum

I do find this "grey rock method" stuff so tiresome.

In my day it was known as "ignore them, they'll get bored" Not sure why people like to pretend this is a new "method" of behaviour.

Just quote the law to her then, quarantine means they quarantine somewhere else. Point out that there's nothing you or they can do about the law, you don't want to break the law so your hands are tied.

Don't be afraid of becoming no contact over it. Save your DC the pain and damage of having a narcissistic grandmother and enabling grandfather! Who are the other 2 people they want to bring!

Utter madness even without Covid.

Bollocks to them. Don't get into a discussion. You've said no
If they've got a problem with that, tough
They are showing you no respect, why put any value on how they feel?

@Bluesheep8

Just quote the law to her then, quarantine means they quarantine somewhere else. Point out that there's nothing you or they can do about the law, you don't want to break the law so your hands are tied.

Err....I'd be really really careful about quoting "the law" because it might backfire spectacularly if the family are travelling to the UK from an Amber list country and decide to check on the law themselves..

Reason being the "law" to quote in part the relevant UK gov info:

"Quarantine can include staying ......with friends or family...."

from:

www.gov.uk/guidance/how-to-quarantine-when-you-arrive-in-england

I wouldn't allow this in any circumstance, whether I had a newborn or not.

I don't care how close a family member they were, my house is far too small for ANYONE to be stuck inside for 10 days (unless obviously me or DP need to out of necessity but we know how to coexist happily together!)

@loginfail

I didn't know that, so that'll teach me to check facts before posting
Thank you for pointing that out

I've read all of the posts any if any relative (no matter how close or not they were to me) came out with a comment like "You don't love me" about wanting to quarantine in my home I'd have to say "Actually, I feel it's the other way around, that you don't love me or my family because if you did, you wouldn't even suggest such a thing to begin with" and then hang up the phone before they had a chance to argue or dispute that. It doesn't need to be shouted at them, just said in a very steady, matter of fact type of voice. If it's not something that you would normally come out with, it'll shock the hell out of the other person at the other end of the phone.

Best of luck with it all @SunshineDad2021!