Saying NO to Visitors Quarentining in Our House

[SunshineDad2021]

Or rather are me and my wife being unreasonable that we don't want visitors quarentining in our house with our newborn? We have a small house, and they wouldn't be able to leave at all for the 10 day period.
They are now being incredibly spiteful and sulking. Not only is space an issue (an extra 4 people in our home), they aren't even acknowledging the potential risk of illness to us and our newborn baby. They are spoiling a time that should be special and happy because we have said no and asked to compromise on the visit happening when quarentine is no longer required. They are being completely unreasonable because they've not got their own way and now we just feel like we have to hide what we are doing as a family just to avoid the abusive/bullying/emotionally manipulative behaviour.
My wife is understandably upset at whats happened. Now we dread the visit at all if this is how it is going to be, which makes us both really sad as we did want to see these people when ready and able to.

You must reply
Due to circumstances beyond our control it is possible to stay here at present. As soon as all restrictions are lifted we will review the situation
Our family is very important to us but we need to protect the newest addition. Thankyou for your kindness

Not

Good for @SunshineDad2021. Stick to your guns. Your wife needs you to be her advocate in late pregnancy and after the birth. She will need time to recover and get feeding established.

Stand firm!

I would not accept them staying in my home at all, ever, with their attitude. They can stay in a hotel and if they can't afford it then they'll have to visit less often so they can save up for each trip.

[quote AdriannaP]@1Morewineplease that’s of course not true. It’s allowed and legal to quarantine with friends or family. Just check on the gov website.

regardless, it’s madness of course and I wouldn’t be blackmailed into it OP. Also OP are they aware of cost of testing? They need a minimum of 3-4 PCR tests per person (one to enter country, 2 during quarantine, 1 to leave). This will cost at least £300 each.

Another alternative is two relatives (your DP?) come for 4-5 days - less time together and one less PCR test. Also you don’t have to quarantine when hosting them.[/quote]
I stand corrected.

Absolutely say it's not possible. You have a newborn and need to go to appts etc. Quarantine means everyone in the household stays inside.

@1Morewineplease

I'd just state , one more time , that they have to quarantine by themselves when they arrive. They aren't allowed to quarantine with you. Then leave them be for a while.

You mustn't risk breaking any rules or , most importantly, your family's health.

Don’t say that - because it would be a lie and it’s easily checked which would just lead to further unpleasantness. They are legally allowed to quarantine with you although they should keep separate from you as far as possible. www.gov.uk/guidance/how-to-quarantine-when-you-arrive-in-england#rules-for-the-people-you-stay-with

I’d stick with edited highlights of the truth. Quarantine is in place for a reason, because they present a Covid risk. With a brand new baby and a post-partum mother in a small house, with health visitors coming in and out, it’s a risk which you’re not prepared to take at this time, and you are not prepared to compromise on a risk to your newborn child. Sorry. You look forward to seeing them soon. (This last is a white lie, but they can’t disprove it with a quick Google).

This is one of those situations when no is a full answer. Do not engage with statements like we are unwelcome etc. Equally make it clear that if they turn up on your doorstep they will be turned away regardless if they have somewhere to go or not.

@MaloInAnAppleTree
As I said, I stand corrected.

@SunshineDad2021

Hello They live in an Amber list country and have said they can't afford to stay in an air bnb or hotel... yes I know its one of the many excuses. They want to be "under one roof" as a family despite it being completely unreasonable

No they can’t because they are a separate household. Hold your ground. You are in the right.

Right OP, I was going to say stand your ground because if they're like this now and you give in they'll trample on your boundaries for evermore.

Now I see this isn't the first time and you usually do give in. But now you have a new way of life, one that incorporates a small baby in a small house. This is the perfect time to put your foot down, say no and mean it. If they're going to sulk and strop, let them. I know it's easier said than done, but honestly if they say you don't love them, it sounds more like they don't love you. You're a convenience who doesn't say no so they always get what they want regardless of cost to you.

Your focus now has to be the health and safety of your baby. Make that your impetus to change, and don't feel guilty. The Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board might help you.

Tell them that they don't love you, otherwise they wouldn't contemplate making your break the law and putting your baby at risk.

Please use this as an opportunity to create new firm boundaries with these relatives. It works like this: you & your wife decide what behaviours you will and won’t accept, going forward. Communicate those boundaries (email is fine). Then follow through by rewarding them when they respect your boundaries (by offering a respectful and loving relationship back, by taking their calls, helping them with their problems in life, etc). When they trample over your boundaries, step away. For a while. Be civil, but don’t engage. Take every 3rd call, or whatever. Say more ‘I’m sorry to hear of your problem’ rather than ‘Let me sort that for you’. They’ll get the picture, or they won’t. But your life will be calmer.

And they don’t have the patent rights to being cross or offended. Shock them with a couple of clear statements: ‘Mum i can’t believe you’d put my baby’s health at risk. The Health visitor and our GP were very shocked too. I’ll speak to you again when I’m not so upset.’ Click.

You’re going to need great assertiveness skills to help (and role-model) as a parent. May as well start now. Kids require you to advocate for them a lot, with family, friends, childcare/schools, even random strangers at the park.

This is your big chance to rewrite your childhood for your kid. Find the courage and defend your new little family from these attacks. Don’t let those relatives spoil these lovely first months.

Congrats on your baby!

Well done for sticking up for your own family unit. And as someone else said even without covid I would not want 4 people in my house when I had just had a baby. You need privacy and time and space. Not people everywhere you look and be a cook and maid. I wouldn't even say yes but go to a hotel incase they don't book one. And as someone else said you would all have to quarantine too, and there will be apps and health visitors and you will want to go on walks to get fresh air with the baby. Give in now and they will forever walk over you and not respect your boundaries. And if they say do you not love us, just reply my babies safety is more important, no mother can argue with that

Sulking, tantrumming, hanging up, emotionally manipulative people don’t get anything except laughed at and ignored. They do not get an opportunity to perform to you again. Block them for —ever— a few months until they get themselves under control.

This is written by SunshineMum2021 isn't it?
Still agree that it's not safe for them to quarantine in the house though!

Congratulations on your new baby.

DH has a relative that travelled through two amber list countries and wanted to visit us as they had spare time, they gave a couple of day’s notice. They are also exempt from the 10 day quarantine as have business paperwork, it’s a travesty I feel. I said no, DH and I had a row. It’s far more complex than what I’ve written but upshot is they are not visiting.

They are being just like DH relative selfish and thinking only of themselves.

I've recently had a baby and I had a few visits from midwives in the first couple of weeks. In addition to all the other points made above, it would be irresponsible to expose those midwives to people from an amber country.

They sound absolutely vile, selfish, controlling, and high risk.

Have they even considered the risks to your new born baby, yourself and your wife I think not.

Astounding the entitlement of some people. 🌸

Narcissists never meet a boundary that they like.

You're just going to have to ride it out, unfortunately.

It sounds like you need to grow a backbone and be a lot more firm with your parents. You tolerating their abuse and tantrums is just ridiculous.

@unwuthering

Narcissists never meet a boundary that they like.

You're just going to have to ride it out, unfortunately.

Oh that is a genius sentence, I need to remember that one. So true!!

"oh we are not welcome"

My answer to that would have been "Correct."

Just becsause something is legal does not mean it is without risk. If they do turn up (and they sound entitled enough to do it) and you let them then your marriage is doomed. Maybe not immediately but your wife will never forget you placed your loyalty to your boorish family above the safety of her and the baby.

Keep those doors locked and if they turn up while your wife is on her own ask her to keep those doors locked. They could be weeping on the doorstop and I wouldn't budge.

If they quaratine with you then you won't have any privacy or even be able to take the baby for a walk or go shopping or have any other visitors.

Congrats on your new baby and enjoy the baby bubble with your little family.
Your family members are being selfish and ridiculous. So happy that you're standing up to them! If they want to see the baby it must be on your terms. The only ones they're hurting are themselves. YANBU.