Dad text telling me he is dying

[SmoothieOperator]

For background he has been in and out of my life and at the moment we are not on talking terms.

He was diagnosed with leukaemia around 3 years ago. In that time he was in remission but it has returned and now I'm not sure how long he has left to live.

The text was completely out of the blue and has left me feeling a mixture of emotions. It's been a couple of weeks now and I still haven't replied. I feel that there is a lot of water under the bridge and I'm not ready to face the situation.

Aibu to have ignored the text and to see him when I feel ready? I also don't want to leave it too long and we don't get the chance to make things right before he dies. I don't know what to do for the best 😭😭

If you want to make things right, you should probably do that right away.

I am not quite sure how serious the no contact situation is though. Did you have a big row or has he been a lifelong abuser?

You don't say why you're not speaking but if you leave it till you feel ready then you have to accept you may be too late and there's no going back from that

You don’t know how much time he has left.
I wouldn’t take further time to make up my mind because sadly, chances might be that death has made the decision for you.

Oh gosh that’s an awful situation
I agree with @aiwblam, my advice really depends on why you are NC

What is he after from you?

I also don't want to leave it too long and we don't get the chance to make things right before he dies.

Do it now. Things can change very rapidly for a dying person in two weeks. I hope you haven't already left it too late.

Remember that dying people are not always in their right mind near the end; if you leave it any longer your father may still be alive but not in a fit state to converse or even hear whatever you want to tell him. He may be drugged up or in extreme pain. Do it now.

If you WANT to make up then contact him sooner rather than later.

If you don’t then that’s fine.

If you wait until you are ready it may be too late. How do you think that would make you feel? If it doesn't bother you then don't respond, if it makes you feel sad then get in touch soon.

You don’t actually have to make things right. If he’s dying, you can simply see him, say goodbye and if you love him, tell him so.

To do absolutely nothing, no reply - you’ll likely regret that very much.

Very sadly, as he text you weeks ago that he was dying, it may well be too late and he won’t be around when you do feel ready.

You should do it asap. People with relapsed leukemia can go downhill very quickly and die very quickly.

I agree OP.
Do it now if you want closure.
He could go quickly and you do not deserve to be left feeling regretful.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Sorry to be harsh, but he is not going to die on your terms, so go or don't go but if you choose not to go then you have to be comfortable with your decision.

The last paragraph sums up how you feel. If, as you write in your second sentence, this is important to you then do go ahead. Time is always too short. As Longtimemammabear writes, you don’t have to make it right - unless this is important for you.

Decide what you will need to support you. What would you regret not doing?

If you want a chance to talk to him before it's too late, do it now. Death doesn't wait around for anyone to be ready, unfortunately.

But if there's too much water under the bridge, that's your decision to make.

Talk to him, while you still have time

I would speak to him.

My sister's did not really speak to my dad and he died suddenly. Years later it still affects them. They wished they saw him more. One time they both got really drunk and cried for hours over their regrets.

The thing with death is it's final. You won't regret going to speak to him as it's a form of closure regardless of whether he's the worst dad in the world or best father ever. Even if it goes tits up and it' turns to an arguement you wont regret it because you know how it turns out. What you will regret is not speaking to him and never having the chance again. 💐

We are all different .

My father was a complicated person and I had just started to speak to him again about a month before he died suddenly of a heart attack. My sister had not spoken to him for two years. I personally I am glad that we were on good terms when he died, but my sister is also quite happy not to have renewed contact.

I feel for you. Good luck.

It’s fair of him to tell you, to give you that chance to see him etc but don’t feel guilty if you chose not to.

To be NC with a parent is a big deal, you don’t end up like that unless they are really hard work. Some times people are better off without having their parent’s in their lives.

I would also keep in mind that most people on here won’t be NC with their parents so they won’t understand how difficult the relationship must have been, in order to be on non speaking terms for a long time.

The way I view things and I’m in a similar situation to you OP, is that during my life, one of my parents has been absolutely useless. Completely selfish and absent for much of my adult life.

We’re on lose speaking terms now and whilst I wouldn’t wish something to happen to them, equally I won’t be devastated at all when the day does come that they pass away.

To me, the people that will be a significant loss to me, are those that I’m close to. The ones that I’m not, it doesn’t change my life if they’re no longer here, as I never see them anyway.

Do what feels right to you OP, never mind other peoples views. You may wish to reconcile with him, equally you may decide you don’t actually want to and your indifferent. That’s absolutely fair enough.

Good luck OP

If you don't want to leave it too late then your only option is to reply now. If he dies on Tuesday then you'll be left with regrets no matter what you may feel now and probably not the ones you immediately dismiss.

If you don’t want to contact him then that’s fine but if someone told you 2 weeks ago that they are dying and you want to get on reasonable terms before that happens then I’m sorry but you should have replied more or less straight away . He could well have died already .

Is there someone who will know to contact you if/when he does die?

Please contact him. You don't know how much time you have left.
This is from someone who had an argument with her dad and the next thing I knew he was dead. I never got to apologise, we never righted our wrongs, I never told him I really loved him. And I never will get that chance again. It eats me up even 10 years on.

You'd regret losing the chance of making contact again more than you'd regret contacting him in the now.

If you wait until you are ready it may be too late. How do you think that would make you feel?

I left it too late. Made no difference to how I felt.

You poor thing, what a horrible situation to be in.

As you have said in your first post that you want to make it right before he dies, and he is dying now, then I think you should go to see him.

I know you're not in the right place to want to do that now, but when you do come to that place he will already be dead and you will have regrets. So do it now to give peace to your future self.

If you were certain that you would be okay if he died without contacting him then I would say to leave it.
It is okay to not speak to a family member you are nc with even if they are dying. Death doesnt make people magically worth your time.
Do only what you can cope with. You owe no one anymore than that.