Dad text telling me he is dying

[SmoothieOperator]

For background he has been in and out of my life and at the moment we are not on talking terms.

He was diagnosed with leukaemia around 3 years ago. In that time he was in remission but it has returned and now I'm not sure how long he has left to live.

The text was completely out of the blue and has left me feeling a mixture of emotions. It's been a couple of weeks now and I still haven't replied. I feel that there is a lot of water under the bridge and I'm not ready to face the situation.

Aibu to have ignored the text and to see him when I feel ready? I also don't want to leave it too long and we don't get the chance to make things right before he dies. I don't know what to do for the best 😭😭

@SmoothieOperator

The reason for LC is because he really wasn't in my life. Completely walked out of my life when I was 11 until we reconnected when I was 18. There's a lot of resentment on my part and even though we've talked through things I can't get past the hurt. I'm battling between seeing him as closure but at the same time I feel like me going would ease his own guilt. I would be sad if I didn't get to say goodbye.

I don't suppose you will get past the hurt, but right now all you can do is the best you can for yourself, don't get wound up in wanting him to see how he's hurt you, don't get woukd up in wanting to punish him, becayse you risk making yourself suffer more.

I'm not sure I'm expressing it well. Your pain is so obvious (totally understandable pain) and wanting him to suffer for his shitty behaviour is normal, but I fear you will end up punishing yourself more.

You don't seem to be hearing what anyone is telling you, you're obviously very hurt.

Do what is best for YOU, whether he benefits or suffers because of it, doesn't matter.

Xx

@Terzani

I'm battling between seeing him as closure but at the same time I feel like me going would ease his own guilt. Please, DO ease his guilt while you can. Among other things, his message to you means ”I’m sorry”; when you will see him, even if he won’t apologize explicitly, all his words and gestures will mean ”I’m sorry” too. This is how old and ill people behave.

Nonsense.

Selfish twats are selfish twats even when they're dying.

'All his words & gesture mean he's sorry'

Tripe. They mean he's still as self centred as he always was. He text his daughter 'I'm dying'.

Selfish to the core

I think you need to make your mind up very quickly....it may already be too late if you want to see him.....if he goes into a hospital or a hospice ....it will only be designated visitor I if he has has other family who see him.....Covid restrictions are still in place

When my dad was in his final days/weeks I was battling with how often to see him and ultimately decided I'd rather regret going to often than not often enough.

It was a.5-6 hour round trip each time and I was quite poor.

In hindsight I made one trip too many but I'm very glad it is that way round as I have always been at peace with my choice. No idea what he thought really, for once I was selfish and purely based my choice on my own thoughts.

I'm sorry you have this dilemma

Seeing him doesn’t mean you forgive him. Seeing him is just that, seeing him. You can’t control whatever meaning he attaches to your visit, your responsibility begins and ends with what you want.

Time is not on your side.

He's dying, his guilt if he feels any will end the second he's dead. Any regrets you might have will last till you die. I'd do what works for you as you'll live with the choice for longer.

I had a fractured relationship with my father. Over the years, he chose to renew contact with my siblings, but not with me. I was forced (by my brother) to go see my father the first time he was on life support. I said what I needed to say then. I knew he couldn't give me what I needed (a heartfelt apology), not because he was unconscious, but because I learned from his behavior when he was "well". He recovered, was told I was there and what I had said (by my sister) and that was that.

When he eventually died, my siblings started pretending he was never at fault for leaving us, which in turn made our relationship even more fragile than it was since we became adults.

Think about what you need from him out of this situation. He might not be able to give to you what you need (apology/reassurance/insight) or he might be too ill or unremorseful. Please don't think you have the obligation to go. Please do think in terms of what is ok for you.

I would, however, make a decision, one way or the other, before time makes it for you

Really feel for you, I've been in an incredibly similar situation.
Dad in and out of my life from age 6, starting to see him every sat 10-16 and as soon as he stopped pay CM he just stopped bothering completed. When I was in my 20s probably saw him once a year at most and very strained. Got a call one day he was rushed to A&E heart attack, found late and was in an induced coma, told he wasn't going to make it.
I decided to see him, because I knew if I didn't say goodbye I would regret it
My brother didn't.
He actually pulled through depsite.all odds and despite me visiting him regularly in hospital for moths we ended up exactly the same with him not bothering.
The only advice I can offer is think deep down if you will regret it and always wonder?
It's unlikely you would regret going, so much more likely you will regret not but only you know the relationship and what's right for you - remember you don't owe anyone anything.
Sending you love ♥️