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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad text telling me he is dying

58 replies

SmoothieOperator · 06/06/2021 13:34

For background he has been in and out of my life and at the moment we are not on talking terms.

He was diagnosed with leukaemia around 3 years ago. In that time he was in remission but it has returned and now I'm not sure how long he has left to live.

The text was completely out of the blue and has left me feeling a mixture of emotions. It's been a couple of weeks now and I still haven't replied. I feel that there is a lot of water under the bridge and I'm not ready to face the situation.

Aibu to have ignored the text and to see him when I feel ready? I also don't want to leave it too long and we don't get the chance to make things right before he dies. I don't know what to do for the best 😭😭

OP posts:
Scrambledcustard · 06/06/2021 15:32

You've sat on this for two weeks. I think that tells you where you are with this.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/06/2021 15:36

Such I hard decision.

The reasons for the lack of relationship you have with him will help with your decision - was he weak/incompetent/incapable as a father or selfish/neglectful/manipulative.

If you do go what are you likely to regret? - he may just confirm to you what you already know and that you were right to go NC.

If you don't go what are you likely to regret? - was there something you wanted to say to him. Could there be something he wants to say to you? Is he likely to give you closure on why your relationship was so tough.

Whatever you do it needs to be what is right for your circumstances so you have no regrets, but either way try to make the decision quickly before it is taken out of your hands and you at least feel it was your decision and you are comfortable with the reasons you made it.

AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 15:45

You need to do what's right for you, not him, you.

Not knowing why you're currently not on talking terms doesn't help to help you, but in other ways it doesn't matter.

It sounds a bit as if you are punishing (not replying to his text and not wanting to 'give in' too soon) and from the little you've said it sounds justified.

I'm not interested in how that's affecting him though, only how it will affect you.

If I called you right now & said 'I'm just calling to let you know your Dad has died' how would you feel? Relief or upset you hadn't contacted him? That's all you need to think about.

It's possible he's just trying to get you to contact him without apologising for his behaviour, but he could be dying.

Sadly, you may also have missed your chance to speak to him.

If 'making up' involves behaviour from him he hasn't displayed your whole life, don't hold your breath.

In short - do what's best for you!

Look after yourself 💐

Confusedandshaken · 06/06/2021 16:03

@Scrambledcustard

You've sat on this for two weeks. I think that tells you where you are with this.
This is such good advice. Actions speak louder than words. Not responding is a response in itself.

If this was a more conventional parent/child relationship you would probably have dropped everything and gone to him the day you heard. You didn't do that and you have your reasons, just as you have your reasons for not being on speaking terms.

You say you would like to make things right - is that even possible? You say he has been in and out of your life and there is a lot of water under the bridge - can those things ever be made right? Are you being tempted to fake a reconciliation to ease potential guilt when he passes? Or do you feel genuine love and forgiveness?

It's a tough decision. Listen to your gut. Flowers

Original poster
SmoothieOperator · 06/06/2021 16:06

The reason for LC is because he really wasn't in my life. Completely walked out of my life when I was 11 until we reconnected when I was 18. There's a lot of resentment on my part and even though we've talked through things I can't get past the hurt. I'm battling between seeing him as closure but at the same time I feel like me going would ease his own guilt. I would be sad if I didn't get to say goodbye.

OP posts:
PollyPepper · 06/06/2021 16:08

I would be sad if I didn't get to say goodbye

There's your answer then Flowers

Newkitchen123 · 06/06/2021 16:08

Go and see him
Deal with how you're feeling later

FourTeaFallOut · 06/06/2021 16:11

His feelings of guilt or lack of it is for him, you don't have to manage it. You aren't teaching him anything by withdrawing your last goodbye. Go and say goodbye.

Ughmaybenot · 06/06/2021 16:11

If you would be sad without the chance to say goodbye, you need to text him now and arrange to see him.
Personally I’ve been NC with my dad since I was 14, now 27, and it wouldn’t cross my mind to see him, even if he was dying. I wouldn’t feel sad not to say goodbye and I know that for sure but if there was even the slightest bit of doubt in my mind, I would see him for sure.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/06/2021 16:14

You don’t have to go and forgive him for everything. You can go just to say goodbye, IF you want to.

Feelingconfused2020 · 06/06/2021 16:14

Go and see him
Deal with how you're feeling later

This

I doubt you will regret going even if you still feel angry/hurt. You will most likely regret not going.

rwalker · 06/06/2021 16:22

There too much water under the bridge . Times short I'd draw a line leave the past in the past and just move on .
Theres somethings that can't be resolved .He's your dad just take the relationship for what it is

User4072837736 · 06/06/2021 16:30

I would go and see him asap, for your sake not his.

Terzani · 06/06/2021 16:31

I'm battling between seeing him as closure but at the same time I feel like me going would ease his own guilt.
Please, DO ease his guilt while you can. Among other things, his message to you means ”I’m sorry”; when you will see him, even if he won’t apologize explicitly, all his words and gestures will mean ”I’m sorry” too. This is how old and ill people behave.

Sn0tnose · 06/06/2021 16:31

I’d like to give you the same piece of advice my mum gave me. Think very carefully whether there’s anything you want to say to him. Whether it’s saying goodbye and wishing him peace, or telling him you’re angry with him, or asking him questions. And, if there is, make sure you do it sooner rather than later. For so many reasons. He might be angry you didn’t respond to his text or his condition might mean that he loses some of his faculties.

But, and this is the absolute most important thing, if you don’t want to, it’s ok. There is no obligation, no responsibility to ever speak to him again. It’s ok if you don’t have anything to say to him. The only thing that matters is that, after he’s gone, you aren’t wishing you’d done things differently. For what it’s worth, I chose not to and I’ve never regretted it. My brother chose to, and he’s never regretted it either. We each made the right choice for us. 💐

Ijsbear · 06/06/2021 16:32

Looking back in ten years' time, will you be sorry or glad if you don't go / go?

Weddings, births and deaths are all rites of passage but death is the most final of them all. I've used this trick, to imagine myself ten years in the future looking back over really important decisions and it's cleared the way to a decision more than once.

Whatever you decide, I hope you have peace Flowers

Ijsbear · 06/06/2021 16:34

Also, to echo another poster, people who do not have complicated and disappointing/painful relationships can only give advice even though they haven't walked in your shoes. That's often biased advice (not quite always).

WilsonMilson · 06/06/2021 16:34

Goodness, I have a very fractured relationship with my father, he wasn’t around during my childhood and has been little better in adulthood, repeating a pattern of rejection that I’ve felt since I was small.

That said, if he text me to tell me he was dying, there’s no way I would wait a fortnight to reply and I would do all I could to help and to repair things in whatever time there was. Not even for his benefit, but for my own sense of what’s right and in the spirit of forgiveness and humanity.

MGMidget · 06/06/2021 16:35

You may not have long. When people are told they are dying that often means they have very little time. Its been 2 weeks already. If it matters to you to see him you need to get a move on.

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/06/2021 16:38

Cynic alert

Are you sure it's genuine, and he isn't just trying to reel you back in? Sort of, aha - gotcha - I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away if I was dying?

It HAS happened, and not just in the soaps.

SirVixofVixHall · 06/06/2021 16:39

As you say you would be sad if you didn’t get to say goodbye, I think you don’t have time to mull over this, you need to see him as soon as you can. People can deteriorate quickly or have have a sudden catastrophic event when they are terminally ill.

TableFlowerss · 06/06/2021 16:40

@WilsonMilson

Goodness, I have a very fractured relationship with my father, he wasn’t around during my childhood and has been little better in adulthood, repeating a pattern of rejection that I’ve felt since I was small.

That said, if he text me to tell me he was dying, there’s no way I would wait a fortnight to reply and I would do all I could to help and to repair things in whatever time there was. Not even for his benefit, but for my own sense of what’s right and in the spirit of forgiveness and humanity.

Not even for his benefit, but for my own sense of what’s right and in the spirit of forgiveness and humanity

Don’t be ridiculous! No one has to do anything. It’s not right to abandon your DC for years either. Anything could have happened to them then bug some parents don’t think about that.

It’s not a right or wrong situation. It’s down to how OP feels.

TableFlowerss · 06/06/2021 16:41

but not bug

Rejoiningperson · 06/06/2021 16:57

Go and see him now. Do it for yourself.

You were no contact when it wasn’t healthy for you. However now it is different, he will no longer be in your life very soon. So everything has changed.

devastating · 06/06/2021 17:05

@Terzani

I'm battling between seeing him as closure but at the same time I feel like me going would ease his own guilt. Please, DO ease his guilt while you can. Among other things, his message to you means ”I’m sorry”; when you will see him, even if he won’t apologize explicitly, all his words and gestures will mean ”I’m sorry” too. This is how old and ill people behave.
^ completely this