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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For expecting something so stupid in return?

51 replies

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 22:56

This is going to sound so stupid but me and DP have just had a really stupid row. We've had three traumatic miscarriages in the last year, we're now getting great care but it's involved 3 womb biopsies, a course of antibiotics that's meant I've missed three great parties because I can't drink (that he has gone wild in), and I want to go and see dodi from the Iceland Eurovision entry who is playing 2 miles from our house.

I think they are naff and great and they make me feel really happy (naff isn't my normal style) and he's basically just said no, he won't take me. It's 10 quid a ticket, we aren't short of money. As far as I'm concerned it's an 90 minutes where he could be drinking a pint or two, what's the big deal. To see his DP happy. He's stoped off 'no I fucking hate them, i won't do it'

Is this a STUPID red flag (I'm aware this sounds insane), but it's the principle?

OP posts:

legotruck · 05/06/2021 22:57

Why do you need him to take you?

cheesecrackerz · 05/06/2021 22:58

YANBU

Embracelife · 05/06/2021 22:58

Why can't you go on your own?

1Morewineplease · 05/06/2021 23:00

Go without him.

shivawn · 05/06/2021 23:00

Yeah its a bit shit that he said no but maybe he is just in a crap mood, ask again tomorrow and tell him you'd really like to go. Couples argue over silly things sometimes, I always find it weird when people start threads over these small arguments.

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:01

I'm cool to do lots of things on my own, I go to lunch the cinema all sorts on my own, but it's a fun dancey band and I would want something there to have a boogie with.

OP posts:

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:03

Yeah I get that @shivawn but sometimes you need someone to validate whether you are being mad or not. And even though it is massively trivial it seems more than that sometimes. Like, if roles were reversed and I'd seen my partner do what I've had to do, I'd be saying bloody hell bab, anything you want!

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 05/06/2021 23:11

Do you have friends outside the relationship who you could go with?

Tbh, the thing here that stands out as shit behaviour is repeatedly getting shitfaced when you were ill. Is he normally inconsiderate? To what extent does he normally support you to maintain a social life outside the relationship?

SquirrelFan · 05/06/2021 23:18

YANBU

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:19

Honestly, I wasn't ilI. I had had to take these tablets to cure the thing our dr thinks is causing the miscarriages. And he is a great partner, super supportive, definitely not isolating. We spent last weekend on a break with my best friend, her husband and child and they've asked us to be godparents to the little one in her tum. He's great with my family, we see both mine and his family all the time.

He's not an abusive guy at all. I just see it as a stupidly small thing to do. None of my mates would be into it. But he's so inflexible if he doesn't like it.

OP posts:

shivawn · 05/06/2021 23:19

@showmethegin

Yeah I get that *@shivawn* but sometimes you need someone to validate whether you are being mad or not. And even though it is massively trivial it seems more than that sometimes. Like, if roles were reversed and I'd seen my partner do what I've had to do, I'd be saying bloody hell bab, anything you want!

Sure. I don't feel its a red flag as an isolated incident but if he regularly makes no effort it would be. As for all the posters telling you to go alone, going to a bar to see a band is definitely something that most people would much rather do with company. I'd be hopeful he'll come round when he sees that it's important to you.

Spudina · 05/06/2021 23:28

My DH wouldn't come to a concert with me, that my favourite singer was doing, a few miles from our house on my birthday. I was sad about that. Men just don’t see these things the same way I’m afraid. To you and I, after the terrible time you have had, it would seem obvious that this little thing would mean a lot to you. But my DH wouldn’t go either. Hope things pick up for you OP.

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:30

It's so frustrating because I just think it's so easy. Why wouldn't you do it. It seems mean? I know that sounds really juvenile but it does. I love him and want to see him happy. I don't get it

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 05/06/2021 23:31

I would've want to go to a gig with someone that hates the music though. Music is very personal. What you like can be nails on a blackboard to someone else. he hates the music, you want him to dance to it, I can understand why this is not something he wants to do. I don't see it as a red flag.

DRGT · 05/06/2021 23:37

Does he like to 'boogie'? Dancing is a really big commitment if it isn't your thing..?!!

RhubarbCustardy · 05/06/2021 23:38

I think its mean. In a partnership you compromise and sometimes that means doing something for the other person that you don't necessarily enjoy. Does that mean you only get to do things he enjoys or that if there isn't much you like the same, that you do everything separately? He sounds immature.

BullOx · 05/06/2021 23:39

Isn’t it a red flag for him that you are trying to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, and now won’t accept his decision?

Slimmingstar · 05/06/2021 23:41

Put a message on here with the town they’re playing in and see if a mumsnetter will go with you.

Grenlei · 05/06/2021 23:43

I'm normally on the side of the DH in posts like this, but actually this time OP I think he's being a bit of a dick. Isn't the point of relationships that you do stuff to make the other person happy sometimes, even if it's really not your cup of tea, but they want you to come along anyway?

It's a real shame he's being so inflexible. It would concern me a bit as to how he's going to be when you have children...is he going to opt out of soft play meet ups and kids parties because it's stuff he doesn't like or enjoy?

It seems really quite mean spirited. I can understand how you must be feeling.

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:45

@DRGT

Does he like to 'boogie'? Dancing is a really big commitment if it isn't your thing..?!!

He does! He is a big friendly party animal but we have very similar tastes. We also met through one of our mates so my mates are his oldest mates (mutual but never knew each other until 8 years ago). So he's never really had to demonstrate compromise. I love dance music and he hates it, but I have a gang for that so we've never been tested there. But I think because this is so niche it's an odd one

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2021 23:45

He's being a dick in the way he answered you but you say it's 90 minutes when he could just have a few drinks but then you say you can't go along as you want someone to boogie with. Honestly if that's good idea of hell and he's generally a good partner, I don't think he's unreasonable to say no

Howshouldibehave · 05/06/2021 23:49

If he would hate the music then no, he won’t want to go and have a boogie. No, it’s not a red flag.

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:50

Just for the record, I don't expect him to dance away next to me! It would just feel weird to not had someone there? I am making myself sound like such a sap, we've been together 6 years and I do things on my own, with friends etc I certainly don't NEED someone there all the time. But it just seems so puny. He is desperate for a child, and I have been through the absolute ringer. And am still going through it because of the physical stuff. And he won't just think "what absolute bollocks music this is, ah well, look at her grinning for the first time in 6 months'. It feels mean but I can't articulate why

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2021 23:53

Have you explained it to him like that? That after everything you've been through lately you just want one night where you can kick back and have fun and you want to do that with him and you know the music's crap but right now it cheers you up and you just really want him to be there?

Original poster

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:53

@BullOx

Isn’t it a red flag for him that you are trying to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, and now won’t accept his decision?

I'm not trying to make him do something uncomfortable or out of character, he goes to gigs all the time

OP posts:

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