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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For expecting something so stupid in return?

51 replies

showmethegin · 05/06/2021 22:56

This is going to sound so stupid but me and DP have just had a really stupid row. We've had three traumatic miscarriages in the last year, we're now getting great care but it's involved 3 womb biopsies, a course of antibiotics that's meant I've missed three great parties because I can't drink (that he has gone wild in), and I want to go and see dodi from the Iceland Eurovision entry who is playing 2 miles from our house.

I think they are naff and great and they make me feel really happy (naff isn't my normal style) and he's basically just said no, he won't take me. It's 10 quid a ticket, we aren't short of money. As far as I'm concerned it's an 90 minutes where he could be drinking a pint or two, what's the big deal. To see his DP happy. He's stoped off 'no I fucking hate them, i won't do it'

Is this a STUPID red flag (I'm aware this sounds insane), but it's the principle?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 05/06/2021 23:54

Oh right-I read this and assumed you wanted him to dance….I would want something there to have a boogie with

VeganCheesePlease · 05/06/2021 23:55

I totally get how you feel but I don't think it's a red flag. If they were playing 20 mins away, maybe. But it's 90 mins away and I can understand if they're not his thing he's just not into going. Can you take a friend, get all dolled up and go have a great night?

Original poster
showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:56

@Howshouldibehave

Oh right-I read this and assumed you wanted him to dance….I would want something there to have a boogie with
Yeah I didn't really mean it like that. Can see how that was misleading.
OP posts:
Original poster
showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:56

@VeganCheesePlease

I totally get how you feel but I don't think it's a red flag. If they were playing 20 mins away, maybe. But it's 90 mins away and I can understand if they're not his thing he's just not into going. Can you take a friend, get all dolled up and go have a great night?
It's not 90 minutes away. It's 10 minutes away, but I'm guessing will be about 90 minutes long
OP posts:
Grenlei · 05/06/2021 23:58

It feels mean because it is, OP.

I love my DP very much but he certainly isn't without faults. However when I really wanted to go to a gig by my favourite 90s band (not his type of music) he was more than happy to come with me, because of how much I wanted to go. In the end he actually had a much better time than he thought he would.

I was so pleased he'd come with me, it really meant a lot. And honestly I'd do the same for him.

Original poster
showmethegin · 05/06/2021 23:58

@SleepingStandingUp

Have you explained it to him like that? That after everything you've been through lately you just want one night where you can kick back and have fun and you want to do that with him and you know the music's crap but right now it cheers you up and you just really want him to be there?
That's a good point. I think that's probably the way forward. I think maybe he would get it then. It's hard for him, this whole process but it is so much harder on us, physically xx
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 06/06/2021 00:01

I suspect he's just not seeing the link between what's going on and this trip, talk to him tomorrow and explain and hopefully he'll come round

Original poster
showmethegin · 06/06/2021 00:01

@Grenlei

It feels mean because it is, OP.

I love my DP very much but he certainly isn't without faults. However when I really wanted to go to a gig by my favourite 90s band (not his type of music) he was more than happy to come with me, because of how much I wanted to go. In the end he actually had a much better time than he thought he would.

I was so pleased he'd come with me, it really meant a lot. And honestly I'd do the same for him.

That is EXACTLY what I mean. I just can't imagine this meaning the other way and not me absolutely jumping to be there and see that happy face
OP posts:
Original poster
showmethegin · 06/06/2021 00:10

For what is worth I'm never someone that starts a thread like this but it just rankles. That I would do something for him but he wouldn't??

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 00:16

He doesn't sound like a total bellend, so try explaining it to him properly tomorrow & see what he says. If he still refuses to go (one night if music he's not keen on) then maybe he's more of a bellend that you realise and more serious thought needs to be given to 'life'.

One evening (or rather a couple of hours) doing something you wouldn't choose to do is nothing, if he can't even do that for you, you need to have a BIG think about whether having a baby with him is the right thing to do. Babies/children involve spending a lot of time doing things you wouldn't choose to.

Lalliella · 06/06/2021 00:18

Not a red flag at all. My DH is really into music and I very rarely go to gigs with him. I’d think it totally unreasonable if he expected me to go to something I didn’t want to and I would refuse. You shouldn’t be trying to force your DP to do something he doesn’t want to, that’s ridiculous.

Hankunamatata · 06/06/2021 00:22

He doesnt want to go. He has his own mind and opinions, he isnt your lap dog. It's not his cup of tea. It's a red flag that you are trying to emotionally blackmail him to go 🙄

Original poster
showmethegin · 06/06/2021 00:38

I'm sorry how is emotional blackmail?. Seriously not forcing him to go to a gig when he doesn't like gigs. This is a man who bloody loves gigs and fun and meeting our mates. I'm not asking him to prostrate himself, I'm asking him to go to a gig that isn't his scene for once. If the band I want him to see was playing in the background of one of the gig rooms we go to, he wouldn't run screaming. It's ridiculous

OP posts:
Elisandra · 06/06/2021 00:46

It’s concerning that he can’t or doesn’t want to see this from your point of view. You shouldn’t have to emphasise the hard time you’ve had, he knows that. Are you sure he’ll be a supportive partner through pregnancy and do things he doesn’t fancy as a dad? When the reality hits? I think this could be a red flag.

Merryoldgoat · 06/06/2021 01:05

Why would anyone go to a gig of a band they don’t like?

I adore my DH. We have totally different taste in music - there is overlap but if he asked me to see Muse or Radiohead I’d rather gouge my eyes out.

stackemhigh · 06/06/2021 02:42

He sounds very selfish, OP. I bet there are things you do with him for his sake?

He is desperate for a child, and I have been through the absolute ringer. And am still going through it because of the physical stuff. And he won't just think "what absolute bollocks music this is, ah well, look at her grinning for the first time in 6 months'. It feels mean but I can't articulate why

It’s selfishness. Does he expect you to do things with him?

BaggoMcoys · 06/06/2021 02:53

I'd go for my dp in this scenario and I know for sure he'd do the same for me. It sounds selfish of your dp to react that way but it could just be that you caught him on a bad day/in a bad mood. I'd ask him again another time and see if you get a different response.

sophi1995 · 06/06/2021 10:07

My boyfriend could possibly say no to something like this but I know that I would win him over in the end! Drop it for a little while and then bring it up again and tell him you really need something fun for you and it would mean so much if he could do this for you!

SleepingStandingUp · 06/06/2021 11:15

Have you spoken to his openly this morning @showmethegin?

Boood · 06/06/2021 11:23

The red flag here is that you don’t seem to have anyone else to go with. You can’t expect one person to fulfil all your social/companionship needs, it’s not reasonable or realistic, and ultimately not healthy for either you as an individual or for your relationship. You need to find some friends, or get closer to the ones you have.

Original poster
showmethegin · 06/06/2021 17:31

@Boood

The red flag here is that you don’t seem to have anyone else to go with. You can’t expect one person to fulfil all your social/companionship needs, it’s not reasonable or realistic, and ultimately not healthy for either you as an individual or for your relationship. You need to find some friends, or get closer to the ones you have.
I have loads of mates! Just none that would be interested in this specific thing. If it was a house music gig or something I wouldn't dream of asking him because I'd have 10 mates at the drop of my hat that would be up for it, as I said before it's just cus it's a bit niche
OP posts:
Original poster
showmethegin · 06/06/2021 17:34

@SleepingStandingUp

Have you spoken to his openly this morning *@showmethegin*?
I did! He's agreed to go, said he thought it was just a bit stupid. I get it. I don't think I'd have been so bothered myself personally but we've all just been locked in the house for so long, the thought of actually getting out and seeing live music makes me desperate to grab any opportunity. He's just booked the tickets and said sorry Grin

Thanks everyone for your advice. I realise it sounds trivial but I wouldn't have thought twice if it was the other way around so it felt mean, as I said earlier

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 06/06/2021 17:37

@showmethegin

I'm cool to do lots of things on my own, I go to lunch the cinema all sorts on my own, but it's a fun dancey band and I would want something there to have a boogie with.
Could you not go with a friend instead, if he doesn't like the band, he isn't going to enjoy himself and probably won't dance as a result
HalzTangz · 06/06/2021 17:57

@Merryoldgoat

Why would anyone go to a gig of a band they don’t like?

I adore my DH. We have totally different taste in music - there is overlap but if he asked me to see Muse or Radiohead I’d rather gouge my eyes out.

I agree, I hate my partner's taste in music and wouldn't go to see his hands with him, equally, he doest like the music I like And I wouldn't expect him to come with me.
HalzTangz · 06/06/2021 18:01

So your friends don't like this band and you wouldn't dream of inviting them.
Your partner doest like this bad,but you're trying to make him go.
Just because he goes to gigs doesn't mean he has to go to every gig, I bet he doest attend gigs for bands he doesn't like

If you want him to go you should explain the reason why