My husband is in love with someone else - advice needed

[AnnickP]

Not ABIU but I don't know where/how to post this & really need advice... Two weeks ago, my husband told me he loves me but he's not "in love" with me, that he's in love with this woman that he does on-line runs with and she feels the same, and that he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and I thought things were good and we were planning for the future together. We have a 17 year old who has just finished Year 12.

My husband has bipolar II disorder (the rapid cycling one which is less extreme but more constant) and has been back on effective medication (finally!) for the past year and a half which has made an incredible difference. I have always been supportive and we have made things work through some very tough times which makes this even more of a shock.

I am American and live in England because my husband is English & wanted to live here. We live in the same town as his family and I have built my life around him. I will always choose to live where my son does so this is home but I would be mostly left without any support (though I do have lovely friends).

I have alway had to work to bring in (at least) half our income but have had ME for the past few years and have really struggled with my health. I had a good consulting job which meant I could work from home on my own schedule but that disappeared with the pandemic. Fortunately, my husband's work picked up at the same time. I mention this only because between my age & health, it would be difficult for me to find a well paying job. This is the first time in my life that I have not worked (even 2 jobs sometimes) and it was tough to come to terms with but I thought we were doing it together and that the business I supported him in building is doing well. We do not have a lot of money and our only asset is our home which has a mortgage on it.

Aside from the complete heartbreak, I am worried about how I am going to get by. I would be left with little money, no home and difficulty securing a job that pays well.

Does anyone have any advice regarding support or my rights financially?

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP.
Do you have your own bank account/a joint account ?
Do either of you have private pensions ?

Hi. Thank you for your reply. We do have a joint bank account. I have a separate business account for taxes etc. We both have tiny "cup of coffee" pensions as we have both been self employed for many years and there has never been much money left after bills.

I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is there a chance he might wake up and think “WTF?” and get over himself?

Also, it sounds like you have made a LOT of compromises for this relationship and whilst it will be painful for it to end, you’ll be entirely your own woman, to make choices that suit you, not him. It’s my strong belief that you’ll end up much happier. And he’s a selfish dick.

Well you’re married, so it’s it should be 50/50 on the assets. But you really do need a good solicitor. If you can’t work or can only work part time due to disability/ illness then it will be a case of applying for the relevant benefits. Tbh it’s all guesswork because it depends on the divorce settlement. Just make sure you don’t listen to him if he tries to persuade you that this can be sorted “amicably” between you.

I don’t have much advice but want to say I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you have your friends for support too. M

Has your husband even met this woman? You said he does online runs with her, sorry I don’t know if that means they only chat online. If he hasn’t then how can be be in love with her? Sounds like some sort of mid life crisis.

You need to open your own bank account, it’s easy to do online.

Read chumplady And get legal advice

www.chumplady.com/

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Oh yes. Chump lady is your homework reading now.

I'm sorry he has let you down after giving him your life, speak to a solicitor, don't leave the home.

Firstly I am sorry this has happened to you.You must consult a good Solicitor without delay.Your DH is being v selfish .I wonder if he will be quite so keen when he realises that half his assets will be gone .Also whether the OW will be as patient as you in dealing with his MH issues! If you are married you will be in a strong position legally at least .

Thank you so much for the messages. I'm not sure how to reply to each individually but...
He has met her in person but only twice. I found his IG DMs with her and basically he's been chatting & messaging last thing at night (when I am in the same bed with him), first thing in the morning and all through the day with her. They are not sexual messages but "sharing". He says nothing has happened physically but that they share running (he is obsessed) and he can "talk to her" and they "connect". I ask him every day about how he is and how he's feeling and he just tells me he is fine, needs space and that he manages his moods with his runs. He has cut me out of being his support. He doesn't recognise his emotional affair (he told me they are in love with each other) as wrong as they haven't acted on it physically.
I do think it's a mid-life crisis but it feels final. Despite all his instability, at the core, I always believed he loved me and was solidly loyal and committed to our marriage and this is what has got me through some very difficult times with him. I feel like my world has been blown up.

In addition to working, I have done 95% of the parenting. I changed my career path to have flexibility to be both full-time mum and do full-time earning but working all hours around the edges. I think my health issues were partly to do with continued exhaustion and stress.

He has agreed to counselling but doesn't seem to really want things to work. He is taking advice only from his divorced friends (who are all in very different financial positions) and I think he's agreeing to counselling mainly because our child is under 18 (17 now). He seems to think everything will be rosy if we divorce which it definitely doesn't look like from my perspective and wouldn't from our child's perspective. We have been a tight unit of 3... when our child goes off to uni in 18 months, he would have no "home" to come home to. His world would be rocked too.

Our finances have only worked because we have built things together. If everything split now, we would not individually be able to buy homes (though maybe he's not worried about this if he thinks he's going to move into the other woman's home) and I would have no source of income.

Sorry this is happening. How odd though, it sounds like he hardly knows her.

I’m sorry you’re facing this. A couple of your comments really resonated with me. My exH had exactly the same view about a divorce (similar life stage to you but three older kids). He emotionally detached very quickly and expected everyone to be on his page. He had it all worked out in his head, he would get a house down the road, the kids would pop in, he would pop back and ‘help’ walk the dog etc as much as I would ‘let’ him. The ow who was waiting in the wings would not impact his relationship with his kids etc. He had a huge wake up call when the kids were not on the same page as him and he could not accept that they weren’t immediately just popping in and out to see him. He got very angry with me and it all got very acrimonious very quickly. He refused to acknowledge where his kids were emotionally and to give them time. Please get legal advice (you should be ok financially), but mostly please lean on your friends for emotional support as you will likely find yourself in the same position as me in facilitating his relationship with his son while trying to look after yourself and your feelings and it’s exhausting. At 17 your son will have autonomy to proceed with his relationship with his father however he chooses, if your DH doesn’t like his choices be prepared, it will be your fault.💐

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer on the practicalities of getting divorced. I just wanted to comment that it's no wonder you've got health issues yourself after years of supporting your husband and bringing up a child. I'm not a medical person but I'm led to believe that things like chronic fatigue have a large, emotional component.

You must feel gutted that after all your efforts to help him get better, he has decided to give that 'better' person to someone else!

It's heartbreaking that your marriage is over but looking at the bigger picture, this might eventually turn out to be a good thing for you. You will now be able to focus on your own needs and your own health. Without the stress of looking after your husband (which you did willingly because you love him) you might find your ME improves quite a bit, allowing you to take on more work.

Start looking after yourself now! Wishing you good luck and happiness.

My mum had the same attitude when she left my dad, me and my sister were in our teens and my mum couldn’t understand what we were so upset about. Sorry this is happening to you, you and your son will get through it but it may affect your son’s relationship with his dad (which of course is completely your husband’s doing).

I agree with the PP - if you live separately from this man you will probably find your own health massively improves.

If he thinks he's going to move in with her when he's only met her twice then he's got a screw loose. Can you imagine her panic at the thought of that?

Think practically. Is your consulting job likely to pick up now? If not, what are you skilled to do? Wouldn't you like to have a smaller place just for yourself and your son? In the meantime you don't have to move out or make any drastic decisions. I'd be mentally separating myself from him - I certainly wouldn't sleep in a room with someone who's messaging another woman. It would be the sofa for him. Focus on your health and your job.

He's such an idiot. You've been so good to him and this is how he treats you now. Never forget this, OP. After all you've done, he's in bed with you telling another woman that he loves her. It's unforgivable.

My parents divorced when I was a child and ‘home’ was always with my mum.
And your son’s home will be with you, wherever that is 💐

What a foolish man, throwing away his family and the life he's built for a women he's only met twice. I'm so sorry you're being treated like this OP.

My dh has cyclothemia which is rapid cycling. This can present in very selfish , reckless behaviour. Get your own bank account and money for sure. He has done some really hurtful things.
Fwiw i think this is all part of his diagnosis, and this ow is just a current obsession. Its up to you now what you want to do.
Living with someone with bipolar is so hard.

Thank you for all your kindnesses ❤️
I think, with social media etc, his feelings of engagement & connection with the other woman have been amplified. My husband has also been helping her with her business (a zoom running/coaching business) and even ran many zoom sessions with her. He's been running for about 4 years now (he's quite obsessive in his hobbies do very quickly went from a 5k to marathon to ultramarathon and vegan) and told me that all of the chats/help to her were just part belonging to his "running community" which helps him with his running and in turn helps him with his mental health. -I have always been supportive of him having self care as his bipolar II is not easy (for any of us!). I queried the level of involvement in her business as it was many hours a week (he is not financially involved, just helps) but he brushed it off as being part of a "community". This was time, energy, connection & care that really belonged to us - his family.

I really don't know if he wants to try or not. I feel like there is some financial or other benefit he thinks will come with going along with counselling but I don't know what's in his mind as this has hit me as an unexpected bombshell (I would have never in a million years have said he would do this). He wants to also see a separate counsellor just on his own which I think is about exploring that other path for him.

If we divide everything down the middle (not sure if that would include his business?), I would not have enough to make a fresh start. My health has improved but only because I keep things quite low key and have to plan rest days if there is anything that takes a lot of energy. Assuming I could get a job, I wouldn't be able to keep it as the sick days would be too much. I'm 53 and don't know how I will get by, much less create a lovely home for me and my son. I don't want to move away to a much less expensive area as all my friends are here and, as an expat, that is my only source of support emotionally. I've lived here for 23 years and it is home.

Your dirtbag husband is going to have a shock to his system when you get 50% of all assets including the business and home. He's going to have to find shelter and actually live independently ie: cooking and cleaning for himself. I bet your son (who you've don't the lions share of parenting) will most likely want to stay with you.

Hi @AnnickP. Are you on FB? There’s a private American women in the UK group and you can stay a lot of advice from women who have been in similar situations. If you’d like the link, PM me.

You’re not alone and there’s ladies happy to help you who went through similar.

@LongTimeMammaBear Thank you - I would like that but nor sure how to PM on Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️

So sorry you are in this position, it is hugely sad and unfair. Don't lose heart you are a strong person and you will meet this challenge, even though you shouldn't have to.
If you have any contacts that can recommend a good family law solicitor, that will be a huge benefit and help clarify for you what to expect. It may not be as bad as you think

I also recommend the American Women in the UK group, and also North American Ladies in the UK. (Second is a bit gentler.)

I'm guessing you have ILR, have you got your dual citizenship too?