My husband is in love with someone else - advice needed

[AnnickP]

Not ABIU but I don't know where/how to post this & really need advice... Two weeks ago, my husband told me he loves me but he's not "in love" with me, that he's in love with this woman that he does on-line runs with and she feels the same, and that he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and I thought things were good and we were planning for the future together. We have a 17 year old who has just finished Year 12.

My husband has bipolar II disorder (the rapid cycling one which is less extreme but more constant) and has been back on effective medication (finally!) for the past year and a half which has made an incredible difference. I have always been supportive and we have made things work through some very tough times which makes this even more of a shock.

I am American and live in England because my husband is English & wanted to live here. We live in the same town as his family and I have built my life around him. I will always choose to live where my son does so this is home but I would be mostly left without any support (though I do have lovely friends).

I have alway had to work to bring in (at least) half our income but have had ME for the past few years and have really struggled with my health. I had a good consulting job which meant I could work from home on my own schedule but that disappeared with the pandemic. Fortunately, my husband's work picked up at the same time. I mention this only because between my age & health, it would be difficult for me to find a well paying job. This is the first time in my life that I have not worked (even 2 jobs sometimes) and it was tough to come to terms with but I thought we were doing it together and that the business I supported him in building is doing well. We do not have a lot of money and our only asset is our home which has a mortgage on it.

Aside from the complete heartbreak, I am worried about how I am going to get by. I would be left with little money, no home and difficulty securing a job that pays well.

Does anyone have any advice regarding support or my rights financially?

Dear Lord. So sorry you're having to face this OP. See a solicitor asap.

As your child is on the cusp of adulthood, I'd start planning to be able to live without this man. Wherever and whatever that means for you. Maybe a counselling session if you can stretch to that... To help you separate out grief, shock, fear and, importantly, your own dreams. You may or may not choose to take him with you on your next journey. Don't trade one child in for another, ungrateful one.

OP I guarantee you that you will survive this. Survive and then thrive

Take him at face value. See a solicitor. Start your next chapter and don’t include him in any of it.

[quote AnnickP]@LongTimeMammaBear Thank you - I would like that but nor sure how to PM on Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Hi @AnnickP - if you are on the web version you click the words "message poster" to the top right of any message. You will get replies to your MN mailbox - the very top right of the page, the little person icon that says "my mumsnet"

No advice OP, beyond wishing you the best and I dearly hope your twat of a husband lives to bitterly regret his selfish disloyalty.

I am so suspicious of men with MH issues.
IME it appears to go hand in hand with utter selfishness that manifests in being completely self absorbed assholes.

I certainly would be too selfish to live with and support it endlessly.

It seems like an utterly shite deal for the other partner.

Wishing you strength through this.

Well what a selfish man he is, and how stupid, ‘falling’ for someone he actually barely knows and tearing your lives apart. In his head, he’ll still be a great Dad and everything will be cosy.

Finances are the area that you need to focus on. Selfish men like this get nasty quickly when they feel the money is going. He’s feeding his ego and probably just fancies a change, and convinced himself that he’s entitled to ‘live his life of truth’ or whatever nonsense. Of course he’s never going to get better than you. You are the mother of his child, you gave up everything for him, you are deeply connected. A woman happy to fall for a married guy simply isn’t worth having.

However he’s crossed that line and wont’ come back. So as others have said, make sure you choose a good solicitor and get this through quickly, but in your interests. No compromise, not miss nice woman, he’s shafted you and so deserve not one ounce of your compassion.

Really sorry. Many of us have been through this. It’s never great. However in my view, men look happier with their partner. But it’s the women who actually are happier, you have your integrity and your whole nature intact. He’s sold his cheap.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Whilst the starting point for division of assets after a long marriage is 50/50 a huge factor in determining the final split is need. If you have significantly less earning capacity than your DH then you might well be entitled to more than 50 per cent of the capital to enable you to re-house (on the basis you will have less borrowing capacity). Alternatively, or in addition, you might be eligible for spousal maintenance. Though given he is self employed that will almost inevitably be a somewhat fraught issue. The point of this post is to say don’t agree anything at all without legal advice. Certainly don’t move out of the family home, or even market the house for sale unless / until you have taken advice.

I’m making a point of saying this as I so often see on here (and elsewhere) an assumption that assets are always divided 50/50 and that maintenance is only for children. Neither of these assumptions are correct. Whilst the starting point is 50/50, lots of factors can impact that. Most notably that of need. Inability to work through ill health (provided you can evidence it ) is a prime example of need influencing a departure from 59/50. Similar arguments apply to spousal maintenance. The court has a duty to try to achieve a clean break between husband and wife. But not if to do so causes financial hardship.

He's fallen for the fakery of online communication. The medium gives people more time to compose their responses and so someone can come across as being 'the one', that person who really 'gets you' without actually being that one and actually getting you at all.

It's very common and it's also common that it needs pointing out to people. Could you, OP, perhaps suggest this to him? It would be an awful shame for him to throw away his life (and your life and your son's happiness) just because he is not aware of this phenomenon.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

I’m making a point of saying this as I so often see on here (and elsewhere) an assumption that assets are always divided 50/50 and that maintenance is only for children. Neither of these assumptions are correct. Whilst the starting point is 50/50, lots of factors can impact that. Most notably that of need. Inability to work through ill health (provided you can evidence it ) is a prime example of need influencing a departure from 59/50. Similar arguments apply to spousal maintenance. The court has a duty to try to achieve a clean break between husband and wife. But not if to do so causes financial hardship.

especially if you are now dealing with a chronic disease and your earning capacity has been reduced, most likely from doing far more than your fair share

I would repost this on the Relationships forum.

Sorry posted too soon! Having separated during kids teen years then if it’s going to happen I would advise you do it now while there’s a year before A levels. We needed that time together to adjust before they left home and a lot of young people find it really hard when their parents separate once they are at uni and feel they have no ‘home’ and have to deal with all the emotions on their own. I’m glad the kids were home with me to work through it all. Financially it would also be better to do it while you have a dependent child who needs housing. And yes his business would be considered as part of the pot.

Or not phone playing tricks on me

Do you have a British passport now?

This is awful. He is in for as big a shock as he has given you. He is doing what my DM did when one of her many affairs appeared to have legs. She thought she could remove my DF and I from her life, keep the house (she hated) and get this new man to keep her like my DF did. She had a shock when the house was sold, the OM wasnt on board and she died a lonely and broke woman.

He thinks he can remove you for a figment of his imagination. It is so insulting. You've made yourself sick to keep things together. You need a lawyer and the starting point is sufficient for you and your DC to have a comfortable home. I would gather all the evidence because he will soon turn nasty and tight with money. Squirrel away as much as you can.

You must be reeling.

I too have M.E. so fully understand your concerns about being able to work.
I divorced 2 years ago, my children were in their 20's but still lived at home.
My consultant wrote a report on my health and limitations and this resulted in me getting a 58% share of the assets. I was lucky the judge had an understanding of M.E. too.
Seek legal advice, see your GP for a referral to local M.E. services so they are in a position to report on your health when you need it.
Obviously the additional stress won't help your symptoms either so look after yourself in the meantime. I hope you can reach a resolution without too much impact on your health.

I can't give you any useful advice on splitting up (though I would definitely see a solicitor, not least because you don't want any immigration issues unexpectedly popping up) and I don't want to pretend any expertise with bipolar or make excuses for your husband, but I did want to check: are you certain his current meds are still doing the job? Because suddenly deciding, unilaterally and out of the blue, that you want to end a 20 year marriage to be with your one true love that you barely know from the internet - it doesn't sound entirely stable. And in someone with a history of instability, it might be worth more consideration than normal as to whether he really means this and is being an arsehole, or if he's sick again.

I wish you all the best for the future, and hope things go as smoothly as possible for you and your son.

@billy1966

No advice OP, beyond wishing you the best and I dearly hope your twat of a husband lives to bitterly regret his selfish disloyalty.

I am so suspicious of men with MH issues.
IME it appears to go hand in hand with utter selfishness that manifests in being completely self absorbed assholes.

I certainly would be too selfish to live with and support it endlessly.

It seems like an utterly shite deal for the other partner.

Wishing you strength through this.

Even if this is his bipolar talking/acting,there has to be boundaries, OP is not responsible for him, he is not a child. I think you need to start putting yourself first OP, you may be amazed, eventually, about how much better life can be without him draining your energy, 💐

I can’t add to the good advice other posters have given, but want to send you some .

Given how you’ve described your DH, I honestly think your life will be better without him, he doesn’t sound like a nice person, very self-absorbed. I agree with PP’s that he’s probably in for a nasty shock when his fantasy turns into reality and he no longer has you to lean on. I think that’s key for you now, stop providing any emotional support to him, try to detach and focus on getting the financial side sorted out. You need to fight for yourself and your son, because he certainly isn’t thinking about his child’s welfare.

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through, you must be completely devastated! I can't add anything useful to what others have said, but whatever you do, please don't try and do things without a lawyer, in order to keep things amicable. I made this mistake, and ended up so much worse off than my ex husband, although in the long term I think I came out of it best, as I am now married to a wonderful man, who looks after me without a thought for himself - I'm disabled - and we now have no mortgage, and a lovely house in the country, while my ex started a new family, is now mid 60's and still having to work hard to provide for the kids and pay the mortgage. So while things may look bleak right now, you never know what wonderful things may be waiting around the corner for you. I wish you and your son all the luck in the world, and if things get tough, remember you can always come back to MN for advice, we're not such a bad bunch on here!

Thank you everyone for your kindness and advice. I feel broken-hearted and so worried for the future.

While my husband has agreed to counselling together, he met with another divorced friend this afternoon and I’m pretty sure it’s only for show. He says he’s going to be “honest and hold *his integrity”. He talked about "being true to his path" today as well. When I asked him if he loves me, he said you are a friend. I kinda flipped out, saying “I’m not your friend… I’m your wife who has loved and supported you for 20 years!” He said he’s committed to going to “try” but he looks cold and distant when he says it. He looks like he has fundamentally made up his mind 😭

He has already moved on in his mind hasn't he. Classic midlife crisis. It's a cliche for a reason.

You can do this, you have been doing it for years. Lean on your friends and put your son first and yourself second. Do not prioritise your husband's needs in any way from now on,
your priorities have been changed (by him.)

Huh, how noble of him, not.

In your shoes, I’m not sure I’d bother with joint counseling, OP, he sounds so self-absorbed. Counseling may help you to get through this, but his “ integrity” sounds solely geared towards himself. I’m feeling angry on your behalf and I think you need to be angry at how he’s treating you too.

I think you should see the counsellor without him OP. He'll be using it to justify his chosen path and rewrite history. You need a space to explore your darkest fears and even brightest hopes in a safe space.
Seems he has a lot of people to talk to in real-life. You need a space that talk too.
He is behaving very badly. Just remember how little compassion he is showing you. Book that solicitor

He talked about "being true to his path" today as well. Exactly what my Ex said. It’s a very weak and superficial excuse for running out on a marriage. It says that he knows its not a problem with the relationship, but that he think so highly of himself that he is entitled to ‘more’ - which is the ‘truth’ he refers to. Which actually just comes down to thinking with his dick. Sorry to be so crude. Flirting and flattery online.

If he’s like this I wouldn’t put yourself through the humiliation of counselling. I know this is awful but he sounds as though he’s lapping up the attention. You are, understandably, heartbroken. And want him to commit to the marriage. He is rejecting you. The other woman will be wanting him all to herself and so therefore he is currently bathing in adoration from both sides, also not knowing the online woman well he could be making their ‘love’ into something way more exciting than it’s ever going to be, and also fooling himself that as a father and financially nothing much will change.

So hold your head up high and don’t let him further hurt you by dancing to his tune. You could say you will only do counselling if he cuts it off forever with OW, if he clearly recommits to the marriage and is prepared to face up to the hurt and broken trust.

My Ex and I went to counselling. I practically dragged him there. He was like your husband. Sitting there saying that he had to be true to himself, but never saying that the ‘truth’ was (seeing other women whenever he wanted and treating me very poorly was his truth). It further damaged me. Don’t do it! See a solicitor instead. Get some lovely new clothes. Completely pamper yourself. Speak to friends and family. Have some great times with your son without him. Get mentally strong and nourish yourself.