My husband is in love with someone else - advice needed

[AnnickP]

Not ABIU but I don't know where/how to post this & really need advice... Two weeks ago, my husband told me he loves me but he's not "in love" with me, that he's in love with this woman that he does on-line runs with and she feels the same, and that he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and I thought things were good and we were planning for the future together. We have a 17 year old who has just finished Year 12.

My husband has bipolar II disorder (the rapid cycling one which is less extreme but more constant) and has been back on effective medication (finally!) for the past year and a half which has made an incredible difference. I have always been supportive and we have made things work through some very tough times which makes this even more of a shock.

I am American and live in England because my husband is English & wanted to live here. We live in the same town as his family and I have built my life around him. I will always choose to live where my son does so this is home but I would be mostly left without any support (though I do have lovely friends).

I have alway had to work to bring in (at least) half our income but have had ME for the past few years and have really struggled with my health. I had a good consulting job which meant I could work from home on my own schedule but that disappeared with the pandemic. Fortunately, my husband's work picked up at the same time. I mention this only because between my age & health, it would be difficult for me to find a well paying job. This is the first time in my life that I have not worked (even 2 jobs sometimes) and it was tough to come to terms with but I thought we were doing it together and that the business I supported him in building is doing well. We do not have a lot of money and our only asset is our home which has a mortgage on it.

Aside from the complete heartbreak, I am worried about how I am going to get by. I would be left with little money, no home and difficulty securing a job that pays well.

Does anyone have any advice regarding support or my rights financially?

I wouldn’t go to joint counselling, see a counsellor on your own.

I agree with PP, he is weeks ahead of you on this. Give yourself time to catch up. Then you will forge your own, separate, future.

As soon as you are able, stop asking him questions. It’s like picking a scab, and it won’t help. Soon, it won’t matter.

I don't see what the point is of 'trying'.
He doesn't want to. And you might not want to either when you have absorbed what has happened and what he has said.

You seem to be worried about losing security rather than losing him as a partner. And fair enough. But you can be independent. One way or another you can build a life for yourself without him.

You seem to be worried about losing security rather than losing him as a partner.

I think that this is fairly common. We grieve the loss of identity, status, future etc.

Just want to second people saying get good legal advice; if you can get a recommendation from someone who has used a good solicitor near you then go for it, but you don't have to stick with the first one you see if you don't want to. I saw three solicitors before deciding and the third one was much the best, I felt total confidence in him from the start.

Good luck - you can do this!

Let him go.

Ask him to move out now.

Focus on yourself and your son.

It will be hard but the sooner you let him go the sooner you can figure it all out and find some peace and security.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this. Aside from the great advice you've had on here my thoughts are does your dc have an American passport? You mentioned the worry of being isolated etc and having built your life around him.
Do you want to/ could you return to America and could your dc attend uni there? They will be an adult so no custody issues. If you're going to spilt now is a time when you and dc could get your ducks in a row for moving.

I would probably try to meet her. Maybe if she sees you as real she will stop the homeworking. Then decide if you want to keep him. He has a lot of making up to do...

[quote LivingLaVidaCovid]Read chumplady And get legal advice

www.chumplady.com/

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/[/quote]
Just had a look! This is sound advice!

Wasn't there a man posting earlier today/yesterday in a rather crazy-sounding way about his wife saying, 'I'm not your friend?"
I'd be very surprised if this woman actually wants him.

Hi op, if you are not able to work due to ill health, he should pay you spousal maintenance, but how much and for how long can vary hugely depending on the amount of capital you have and your housing needs.

I think you will need to see a solicitor, or perhaps you could try mediation.

@katy1213

Wasn't there a man posting earlier today/yesterday in a rather crazy-sounding way about his wife saying, 'I'm not your friend?" I'd be very surprised if this woman actually wants him.

If he was the guy writing those stupid drip feeding riddles she is definitely better off without him. He was a complete time wasting weirdo.

He thinks he can remove you for a figment of his imagination

This is exactly it. Something very similar happened with my ex, who also has Bipolar type 2. I also followed him across the planet for his career, raised kids, did everything for him. Then he met a woman at a conference and started emailing her about "job stuff". After a few weeks of emailing he tried telling me I need to move back to our home country because he wanted to be free to pursue his new life with this new woman, who had spent exactly 20 minutes with him.

The new woman, by the way, wasn't responding to his amorous feelings at all. It was a very confusing situation and in hindsight it's clear he was hypomanic.

@Zeev. What did you end up doing, did you stay with him?

Sorry, I’ve just realized he’s your ex. So you clearly didn’t!

@Cameleongirl

Sorry, I’ve just realized he’s your ex. So you clearly didn’t!

To be honest I did stay for a few years. Then I realised all my feelings died when he tried to eject me from my own home and life.

I’m so glad you did leave, that was such an awful thing to do.💐

Someone asked if I'm just worried about security... no. I have built my life around my husband. I have loved and supported him in every way for over 20 years. We had (I thought) planned our future together. We have a son and have been a tight knit little family. This has come as a complete bombshell and has blown up everything I thought we had together, now and in our future. All the plans & fun & love I thought we would share. He has done something I never ever even considered and I am reeling.

My husband's further chats about "following his path, having grown & changed" and saying that I will be fine and happy on the other side have made me wonder about security for both myself and my son, especially due to the circumstances mentioned above. This is an entire life that he is burning to the ground.

He definitely would not be posting on Mumsnet (I don't even think he knows what it is).

I AM so grateful to the kindness shown here though and the good advice. I am still working through my feelings and processing what's happening and all the implications. Everyone has given me a lot to think about. I just feel like everything is broken at the moment though.

Oh OP you sound so shaken. It WILL get better. In a weird way, because this is the worst bit, and it’s already happened, you’re over the worst. Just try and be in THIS moment. You are here, and loved and it all will pass x x x

@AnnickP this is such a terrible time, nothing anybody says can make it easier, your life as you knew it has been obliterated. Take comfort from knowing that nothing stays the same, your grief will shift and you will get through it. But unfortunately, you can't avoid it

Thank you all. It turns out that what he wants from counselling is to look at the separation/divorce. I am so incredibly sad but have received lots of good advice. Thank you 🙏❤️

Oh dear, I’m so sorry. He’s the personification of the mid life crisis. There’s a link further up the thread for Chumplady - have a look - this is part of a pattern, a script. Forewarned is forearmed, etc.

Have a look at mlcforum for (mostly) wives going through this.