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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

University halls for my DS this year

84 replies

Lurcherloves · 05/06/2021 07:43

We went to look at the accommodation yesterday and I had mixed feeling about my DS staying away this coming academic year. He could drive from where we live.
Whilst I would like to experience university life, I’m concerned about winter lock downs and halls would be a pretty grim place to be locked down. The accommodation is not exactly great.
I also have the usual concerns about hedonistic lifestyle etc.
AIBU to dissuade him from staying away for the first year?

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 05/06/2021 07:48

i think he would miss out on a great deal if he lived at home.

That's what went so awfully wrong for this year's freshers - they missed so the excitement of leaving home and living a normal university life.

In halls there is at least some sort of welfare system, and a year away from home is a formative experience. He can live at home after that if he wants.

greymayday · 05/06/2021 07:48

Don’t do it. It’s a lot harder to make friends and annoying to have to plan nights out etc around how you’re going to get home.

ginfixx · 05/06/2021 07:51

I think the first year in halls is a good idea , they can immerse themselves in to uni more.

Both my DS’s started uni last sept and were in halls for the first year - despite it being a nightmare with covid etc , they’ve enjoyed living independently and meeting new uni friends plus living in a new city ...

daisypond · 05/06/2021 07:52

He should live in halls.
Why did you go to look at the halls?
My DD didn’t go and look in person. She just booked accommodation online. We had no input.

motogogo · 05/06/2021 07:53

Your dc is an adult, unless there's sn it's not for you to decide either way. I know lockdowns have added an element of uncertainty but it depends on course, my dd has been at university all this year.

Driving isn't really an option for most universities as they do not have student parking (except disabled) and knowing where both my DD's were public parking is £10+ a day.

I mean this gently but your job is now done, it's your dcs time to make decisions

CovidVaccinatorintheMaking · 05/06/2021 07:54

100% he should live in halls. It’s a massive part of going to university

Whinge · 05/06/2021 07:57

I appreciate things are slightly different due to Covid and potential for isolating, however I still think the minimal risk of this is worth it and he should go.

Your post is about your concerns and wants, not his. I think those who live at home often miss out on the socilasation side. The impromptu get togethers, sharing pizza at 2am whilst comparing lecture notes, finding an equally homesick student who lives just down the hall who then go on to be a lifelong friend.

Of course those who commute from home also have an enjoyable experience and make friends, but living in halls is an experience that really helps immerse students into the uni life in a way you just can't replicate by living at home.

Ohs9daring · 05/06/2021 07:58

100% halls. My DSS is going to uni in sept and we’ve encouraged him too go!

Needanewhat · 05/06/2021 07:59

"Hedonistic lifestyle" Grin

When I was a student my flatmates and I used to stay in on Saturday night watching the X factor and eating Dominos.

Pissoi · 05/06/2021 07:59

Of course he should live in halls! What a ridiculous question Confused

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 08:00

Hedonistic lifestyle HmmGrin

Yes, he should live in halls.

BabyofMine · 05/06/2021 08:00

I didn’t live in halls, I stayed at home and trust me you miss out on a lot. I really wouldn’t recommend it, it took me a lot longer to gain independence and I just didn’t have the same experience as my friends. I absolutely adore my family so was happy, but with retrospect I really think it was a bad idea.

I really can’t see there being more lockdowns, and even so you can’t base your life decisions around that. If they start to become likely, you can get them home ASAP before things become locked down.

Needanewhat · 05/06/2021 08:00

I hated living in halls though tbh, but I'm really introverted and have never been one for being in a group of friends.

I made wonderful friends at uni whom I still have now, but they were all 1:1 relationships and I met all of them on my course, not in halls.

Malbecfan · 05/06/2021 08:07

Did you only look at one place? It's hardly going to be representative! University accommodation is not meant to be 5 star - it's all part of the process of building their character. Living in for at least the 1st year is really important as that's when you make friends and socialise.

2 years ago when DD2 was trying to choose which offer to accept, we went to look at the accommodation. There was a wide variety of places to suit all budgets from the shared bedroom in a s/c block to fully catered en suite single rooms. DD got her 1st choice in a single room with shared bathrooms in a flat with 9 others. She had an absolute blast for 6 months before Covid.

I also agree about not driving in. Most universities charge a fortune if they even have parking. My DH does a tiny bit of lecturing at our local uni and parking there is horrendous. We have no public transport at home so he doesn't have a lot of choice other than drive, but actually parks a mile away and walks so he actually keeps some of what he earns rather than squandering it on university parking.

AvocadoPlant · 05/06/2021 08:08

As mentioned above it’s the impromptu get togethers that cement the friendships.
As for the hedonistic lifestyle, DS spent as much time with his flatmates watching Toy Story, Finding Nemo etc, as he did going to nightclubs and live music venues!

KingdomScrolls · 05/06/2021 08:08

I met my six best friends because we were housed together in first year, from different parts of the country and only one I had any classes with. I'm now 35 and we are all still very close. I would've missed that if I stayed at home. I lived on the outskirts of London at that age so a fair few people from sixth form started at home and commuted in to London for uni, most of them dropped out. You've got your while life to experience the drudgery of the daily commute, you have hardly any opportunity to live with friends, get an education and have no other real responsibilities.

pumpkinpie01 · 05/06/2021 08:11

He won't get the full university experience travelling every day . You should encourage him to live in halls , goes them good to learn to be independent

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/06/2021 08:12

How long is the drive he’d have to do every day? If it’s over an hour each way then he will be at an academic disadvantage by not staying local to the university. Its not uncommon for university student class, study group, activities clubs and etc schedules to be very disjointed...and even ad hoc on unpredictable basis. Some activities clubs are often very good at providing relevant experience that increases chances of employment at end of degree course, ie Archaeology club that volunteers on local digs, or STEM club that beta tests software for companies, or a robotics club that competes in national and international robotics competitions, etc. Others are sports and social related.

If he’s in a reasonable commuting distance, then staying living at home and commuting in is a valid option especially if the accommodation is grim and expensive. He’d be in less debt if he didn’t need a maintenance loan, and at many universities the accommodation costs can be almost as high as a year of tuition!

But as he is an adult, I agree with pp that it’s his decision one way or the other. You can offer to him the option to live at home, save money/reduce debt and commute in, and you can say what you would do if you were him, but it is ultimately his decision not yours to make.

You of course, are under no obligation to finance his choices if youre paying for his university. You can say you’ll pay tuition, but not accommodation and it’s up to him to get a maintenance loan and a PT job to fund living at University instead of staying at home.

LizziesTwin · 05/06/2021 08:14

A big advantage of being in halls is that if there is a lockdown you are in a bubble with other students your own age, a friend’s son was in a group of 16, his flat. Enough people to find like minds and interact with. Far better than being at home with one or two adult parents and siblings.

lljkk · 05/06/2021 08:15

DD loved halls this past year.

thecognoscenti · 05/06/2021 08:16

Definitely, definitely he should live in halls. He will miss out on a lot if he doesn't!

AFS1 · 05/06/2021 08:16

Hedonistic lifestyle?!
Let him stay in halls. Once the room is kitted out with his stuff and he’s stuck some posters up on the walls, it won’t feel so “grim”.
No doubt he’s had a pretty rubbish last couple of years. Let him go and embrace the full experience uni has to offer.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/06/2021 08:19

It’s his decision OP, not yours! It is scary but they grow up and lot. DD is just finishing her 2nd year and has made fabulous friends.

If there is another lockdown he can come home. That was always classed as essential travel.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 05/06/2021 08:24

The people I met in halls 13 years ago are still some of my closest friends. They’re the people I lived with in second and third years. They’re the people that I try to meet up with every 6 months (if there isn’t a lockdown happening). All halls of residence are grim. That’s a bonding factor between you and fellow halls residents. It’s also a bonding factor for later life when you meet someone who went to the same uni as you. I’ve been in an interview and the interviewer had gone to my uni and we were chatting about which halls we were in.

If he’s going to be in lockdown, it would be better if he’s locked down with friends his own age, than stuck at home with his parents. As for the hedonistic lifestyle - some students go off the rails more than others (usually those that had a little less freedom at home) but everyone came out the other side as a normal person. He will likely get drunk and do some stupid things but that’s part of uni.

DoTheNextRightThing · 05/06/2021 08:26

It's up to him, really. He’s an adult. But I stayed at home for my entire university experience and I was more than happy. I'm not a party person and I was much happier at home in my own room with my own things than in a little flat with people I may or may not have got along with, trying to avoid the constant parties.

It depends on what he wants out of uni. I didn’t want the typical uni life. But if he does, then he should go to halls.