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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

University halls for my DS this year

84 replies

Lurcherloves · 05/06/2021 07:43

We went to look at the accommodation yesterday and I had mixed feeling about my DS staying away this coming academic year. He could drive from where we live.
Whilst I would like to experience university life, I’m concerned about winter lock downs and halls would be a pretty grim place to be locked down. The accommodation is not exactly great.
I also have the usual concerns about hedonistic lifestyle etc.
AIBU to dissuade him from staying away for the first year?

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/06/2021 08:29

@lljkk

DD loved halls this past year.

My DD hated them and it affected her MH badly. She was in a bubble of four people, her kitchen mates as she was self-catered- one a man who said he’s not there to make friends, then avoided and refused to even say hello or good morning and dumped pot noddles everywhere, one a woman who was racist towards my DD and would blast music, and one a woman who was ok as an acquaintance but they never clicked as friends as nothing in common.

So apart from being the only one cleaning the shared kitchen and taking out the bins, and taking walks by herself, my DD was stuck in a tiny room as much as a prisoner would be stuck in a prison cell because all the classes were remote, all the clubs were cancelled, all the common areas like library and gym were closed.

She was lonely, and miserable and almost dropped out of university altogether. After Christmas we got her into her own flat a fifteen minute bus ride from campus and she was able to make a friend or two and have some social life within Covid rules.

This last year was unusual due to Covid, but even then halls are not always right for every person. Some do better in privately rented flats or flat shares.

LIZS · 05/06/2021 08:30

If there are lockdowns in person teaching and social mixing is minimal if any. Halls was the only real way dd found friends this year.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 05/06/2021 08:30

My quiet and shy son met wonderful friends in the Dorms. We lived in driving distance too, but it brought him out of his shell, and made him a much more confidant person. Paties really didn't start till he was probably in his 3rd year. Before that he was always at work on campus friday and saturday till late.

weegiepower · 05/06/2021 08:34

He should live in halls. I commuted for university and it was not enjoyable and didn't make friends in the same way as others living there. I really struggled and it was quite un enjoyable!

Zzelda · 05/06/2021 08:35

If you were in halls yourself at university, you will know that hedonistic lifestyles just don't happen there.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 05/06/2021 08:36

Yes, you would be hugely unreasonable I'm afraid. You need to let him go.

user1487194234 · 05/06/2021 08:39

It’s his decision and you should not influence him
There is a massive difference in the experience of staying in halls and staying at home

Fr1dgeClean5 · 05/06/2021 08:49

It is not your decision to make
I recommend halls

MayIDestroyYou · 05/06/2021 08:55

Whilst I would like to experience university life,

Freudian slip? Is it envy prompting you to deprive your son of what ought to be the best years of his life, OP?

Original poster

Lurcherloves · 05/06/2021 08:56

He has a lot of freedom at home and goes out drinking etc. I was more concerned about drugs. My DB took drugs at 18 and had severe mental health issues which have affected his entire life as a result. So I have a lot of fear about that. But I can’t let that affect my DS.

OP posts:

TwoAndAnOnion · 05/06/2021 08:56

Cut the apron strings!

With any 'lockdown' there's always 48 hours notice, you can go and retrieve him if you have to.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/06/2021 08:58

@Zzelda

If you were in halls yourself at university, you will know that hedonistic lifestyles just don't happen there.

Depends on the university and also no Covid lockdown. It was very hedonistic when I went and that was even during the AIDS crisis! Casual sex/one night stands/orgies, constant alcohol and drugs, clubbing and parties, extreme risk taking- ie racing motorcycles through downtown in early hours, sneaking in and rappelling off the roofs on tall multi-storey university buildings, various stupid death defying skateboard/parkour dares.

nanbread · 05/06/2021 08:59

You can't stop someone from taking drugs. At my uni there were people who took them and people who didn't, I smoked a bit of weed in first year but didn't take anything harder until I was older. Although weed is arguably the worst...

Cocomarine · 05/06/2021 09:08

Hedonistic lifestyle 🤣

Oh dear. You really need to cut the apron strings. He’s an adult. That means:

he won’t be a hedonist if he doesn’t want to be
if he does want to be, he’s allowed!

Wilkolampshade · 05/06/2021 09:16

My DD did her first yr this year in halls, and she's only 40 mins away on the tube! Despite everything, and things were pretty tough at times, a hugely better experience than being at home. She's now viewing flats with a friend for her 2nd year so some proper adulting must have happened along the way.
I know there's still a financial tie in part, but not really your choice to make OP. Let him go.

pointythings · 05/06/2021 09:18

The experience of living away from your parents is key to university. It's about not having mummy there to sort you out when things go wrong, it's about making bad decisions and learning from them, it's about making friends. YABVU indeed and probably overprotective too. Is he your PFB?

Mydogisagentleman · 05/06/2021 09:23

His choice!
My DD started university last year. She’s had a shocker, what with just 1 face to face lecture and catching COVID with 2 weeks of arrival.
OTOH, she has made 3 or 4 really good friends, got herself a part time job and 3 new tattoos.
She’s also fallen out with one man in particular in her kitchen, things escalated just before Xmas and he was moved to a different floor. She tolerated him pinching her food and putting horrible smelly food on her one shelf in the cupboard. When it escalated to a human turd on a plate,, her and the other 3 complained.

Peppapeg · 05/06/2021 09:28

@Lurcherloves

OP my older brother was (is as always will be but doesn't use anymore) a heroine addict, I can see why you are concerned and it probably feels like as he is in sight at home he won't follow in his siblings footsteps; but if anything, it's probably put him off. I went off to university and didn't touch drugs, it's not inevitable, and if he does, as hard as it is when you've already been through it, it's up to him. There's a huge variety of people at university, and plenty don't touch them.

Peppapeg · 05/06/2021 09:29

Sorry saw it was your brother also, ignore my sibling reference! But try not to let the scars of that affect you.

Abraxan · 05/06/2021 09:30

He should go into halls/student accommodation in my experience.

The students who seem to have fared worst overall this year from those we know are those who have ended up at home most of the year.

Dd went in September and due to Covid I was concerned, greatly so at a couple of points. She didn't even get into main halls so was in private halls and the two older students she lived with left after 3 or 4 weeks.

However she bubbles with a big flat below and has ended up having a fabulous year. So much so she is staying there for much of the summer, enjoying her new found independence.

We've seen her a fair bit at weekends and for the off few days she's come home in the holidays.. she has grown up so much this year and it's lovely to see.

Fingers crossed next year is a more normal year for them

Original poster

Lurcherloves · 05/06/2021 09:35

I should add that it was initially his plan to stay at home. His girlfriend of four years will be here so I suspect that is a factor.
But when we went to see the uni it was clear he would be missing out on a lot by not staying. I was really just airing my fears, which I suspect most parents have.

OP posts:

HamAndButterSandwich · 05/06/2021 09:39

He really would miss out not living in halls. Having you close by he has the benefit of being able to stay at home if there are issues. Staying in rubbish accomodation surrounded by people your own age is part of the uni experience.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 05/06/2021 09:41

I have one son at uni and one to go.
My eldest has grown and matured so much since he started living away. He is a proper adult now! Manages his money well, cooks, does laundry cleans, etc He has made friends that he hopes will be lifelong, has managed tricky situations. ....it has been SO beneficial to him.

I doubt that this would have happened if he had stayed at home with us.
My younger son is really excited about his upcoming adventures and it is lovely to see!

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 05/06/2021 09:42

Is your son 18? And he has been with the same girl for four years???
Omg....he needs to stretch his wings!

Original poster

Lurcherloves · 05/06/2021 09:48

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow yes I know.

OP posts:

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