Could I, and should I, make up with my family before we all pass away?

[Nothingyet]

A few very minor changes. This is as important question for me.
Briefly as I can:
I am one of two boys, now in their 60s.
Father, poor, working class, bitter, religious, resentful, lacked confidence, physically violent when we were primary age, but very good looking (he had two brothers who went to university, he himself did not pass any exams and worked as a labourer), passed away 5 years ago.
Mother, in her 90s, always loyal to him but desperate to keep the peace and keep the family together.
I was (although I didn't realise it a the time) quite blessed- I inherited my father's looks, I was clever (never failed any exam) and was humorous and witty. My older brother was not blessed, in looks or academically.
Mocking, spite, bullying by both of them while growing up, especially in my teen years meant I had very, very low self esteem by the time I left home. I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it).
I took to drink and drugs to feel better as I either gave up or failed everything- I dropped out of university, dropped out of life more or less,
had long periods of living on the streets.
Now I have at the end of my life I have sort of picked myself up. Quit drink and drugs and even alcohol. At a rehabilitation centre I met a lovely person, I have started doing on-line studying, (more for pleasure than remuneration, of course), we have a lovely home now (her husband left her well off) and a pleasant life.
Now my brother and mother have started to pester me to re-make contact (to be fair to them, they have never known me sober before, and I have always been bitter, angry and in trouble with the law or threatening suicide, lol!).
They have always blamed me for my depression, drinking and drugs, in their usual sarcastic, dismissive and superior way.
Am I right to wrong to not want contact with my family ever again? TBH, I would rather go to my grave in a relaxed way, than enter their maelstrom of emotion and stress, though of course this is a 'forever' situation- none of us will be around a lot longer. I would be grateful for any views. Thanks!
AIBU- renew contact Yes
Let them go- No

I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it). I mean this in a lighthearted way... but never met anyone with low self esteem who thinks they're fit and clever!

On a more serious note, sorry you went through some really hard times, I'm glad you're doing a lot better now. It's entirely up to you if you want to make contact but my advice would be if you decide not to repair the relationship with them, sever any methods that they can use to contact you otherwise it'll always be lingering in the back of your mind if they pester you forever.

@WellLarDeDar

I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it). I mean this in a lighthearted way... but never met anyone with low self esteem who thinks they're fit and clever!

On a more serious note, sorry you went through some really hard times, I'm glad you're doing a lot better now. It's entirely up to you if you want to make contact but my advice would be if you decide not to repair the relationship with them, sever any methods that they can use to contact you otherwise it'll always be lingering in the back of your mind if they pester you forever.

You don't understand. Thanks though as this helps.

OP if it will cause you stress to get back in touch then I wouldn't.
You don't owe your family anything.
If you did it might be ok for a while but I'm sure they will return to type.
Well done in stopping drugs and alcohol.

It sounds like you’ve come along way.

Your family are deeply flawed individuals who will be trying to come to terms with their lives and choices. Often the drive to escape uncomfortable dissonance leads people to particular thought patterns like, for example, the just world hypothesis, where bad things happen to bad people. It doesn’t make it true.

Can you hear them say uncomfortable things and remain detached enough to see them as flawed, and their opinions on you as largely irrelevant? Or are you still emotionally entangled, and need some degree of validation or apology from them? There’s no judgement loaded in these questions btw, it’s about being honest about your own needs and vulnerabilities.

It can bring peace to realise that people who loomed so large and powerfully in our lives have diminished in their impact on us. Finding our compassion for people who have let us down can, in itself, be healing. But equally, there is potential for pain, for opening old wounds.

I can’t advise you, just wish you well, whatever decision you make.

It has to come from you entirely, OP. You make contact because YOU wish to… not because you feel the need to appease family members (and/or the guilt you carry- we ALL carry guilt… well, the great majority of us do). Still, guilt and ‘because I said so’ should never be the driving forces behind resuming contact, ever.

It’s entirely up to you. You have all lived your lives without each other for a long time. You could perhaps write a letter wishing them well but saying you’ve moved on with your life.

Do you want to forgive them or not?
Or do you want to have your say.....

If you are happy and feel you have nothing to lose by contacting them then do so. If you feel it will harm you then do not.

However, f you can forgive and accept them as they are and pass no judgement the contentment and realisation you are the bigger person you gain from this might be awesome.

Well done op for all that you have come through.
If it were me would think ‘will not reconnecting be a big regret or a negative in my life.
If I do reconnect am I strong enough now to have it be at my pace and on my terms.

If it starts to be damaging again am I in a place where I can say “oh well tried it and it did not work out”.
Might it not working out be damaging to me or am I in a place where i can live with that I that happens?’

Those kid of thoughts. If you can discuss with your partner tha would be good.
There’s something about it that feels as though you do maybe want to reconnect hence thread ?

Only you can answer this OP.

Family dynamics are incredibly complicated, and 60+ years of history are impossible to condense into something that someone can read in a minute or two.

If you really want to come up with an answer, one way or the other, you need to find a neutral party you can pick the issues apart with, over a number of hours. In other words, a therapist.

This is clearly a big and important issue for you, and you won't get a suitable answer from MN.

It's up to you - but your drinking and drugs were absolutely your choice, as you will know from Rehab. Don't fall back into 'you made me do it' mindset, as that's a very short step from 'I've spoken to them, they've upset me/brought stuff back up, they've made me relapse'.

People are human at the end of the day and dysfunctional families can leave you with all sorts of emotional scars. I understand your hesitation as you have found a balance and opening an emotional can of worms could throw that off. If you can look in the mirror and say I’m happy/content with my life then you are doing amazingly well. If you do choose to re-engage I would suggest it be through the form of letter writing and all serious subject matters are not addressed. This isn’t about rehashing old demons or grievances but seeing how they turned out as people’s daily letting them know a bit about the person you are now. Communicating through text or face to face removes the control and your ability to guard yourself. I think getting to a place where you can be unguarded with them would take an awful long time and shouldn’t be required just because they are blood relations. However it would be nice to have peace with them before the inevitable happens.

I’d give it a go.

It may be a final opportunity to put some longstanding issues to bed. If it doesn’t work out at least you tried.

If you think it will bring further grief, don't.

The question is, will it do you good or harm?

Forgetting should or any worries about guilt, do you want to?

Go to your grave relaxed. It sounds as though you've done each other nothing but harm (and you are still doing the addict thing of blaming other people for your choices).

I wouldn't open old wounds in your situation

As others have said, your language here already seems to be falling into old behaviour / thought patterns and they can only be harmful.

What do you want from them? If it is anything that requires them not being who they are then maybe you should just say thanks but no thanks.

My parents are in their late 70s and I can only deal with them at a great distance. Happily we have that and I have no intention of allowing any late life guilt tripping change that. So I know why you are considering this.

About a year before my mum died there was a stupid family argument where she was scapegoated and treated pretty appallingly.

When she was dying she told me in no uncertain terms that she was not interested in seeing them on her deathbed, and that she was completely at peace with herself (she really did do nothing wrong) and wasn't interested in them coming to see her to make themselves feel better. She only wanted people around her that had loved her and respected her.

Basically, without saying as much, she was like 'fuck em'.

So I turned away (by phone) several uncles and aunts who had suddenly decided they HAD to make their peace with her, because she was at peace, she just didn't want them there.

We let them come to the funeral instead, where I v politely kept my distance. She mightn't have liked that but she didn't explicitly tell us not to, and she was gone by that point so we figured what did it matter.

I guess my point is you don't have to have toxic people around you if they don't make you feel good.

You need to put yourself first, I don't want you to relapse due to stress. You've done well. I'd probably try contact but If they show any nasty behaviour I'd walk away from them very fast. Maybe take someone with you as an ally? Don't put too much emphasis on anything nasty they say, they have issues that are not your fault. Surround yourself with people who treat you decently and don't harm your self esteem x

@Nothingyet

Nope..

It's an exercise in self service, they feel crap and want to make themselves feel better.

If you're happy as you are Sir.. carry on regardless 🌸

Regardless of anything else, what struck me was you consider yourself almost in the grave in your 60s. You talk of being at the end of your life. Why is that? You might have 20 or 30 more years. Your mum is still alive in her 90s so it's not impossible you might make that decade too.

Personally, life's too short to bear grudges.
And as you are not a parent yourself, perhaps you underestimate the pain of your mother in all of this. It seems as if she kept the peace and the trouble came from your brother and your father.

Maybe you ought to think of your mother a bit more. She's suffered a lot seeing you ruin some of your life and now, at the end of hers, does she not deserve a bit of love back from you?

OP you only live once..

don't fill it with scum that tear you down then expect you to just forget about it..

Life is too darned short for wasting with people that treat you so badly.

@BlueButtercups

OP you only live once..

don't fill it with scum that tear you down then expect you to just forget about it..

Life is too darned short for wasting with people that treat you so badly.

His mother didn't treat him badly.

He said it was his father and brother.

He must have worried his Mum sick with his drink, drugs and sleeping rough for years.

Like all parents, she did her best and was from his description, bullied by his father.

I can't see how it makes anyone happier to reject someone who wants to make amends in their 90s. It just seems very callous.

we have a lovely home now (her husband left her well off)

Shivers up my spine.

If you had a message to say they had died would you be relieved or regretful?

I don't talk to any of my family except an aunt.