Could I, and should I, make up with my family before we all pass away?

[Nothingyet]

A few very minor changes. This is as important question for me.
Briefly as I can:
I am one of two boys, now in their 60s.
Father, poor, working class, bitter, religious, resentful, lacked confidence, physically violent when we were primary age, but very good looking (he had two brothers who went to university, he himself did not pass any exams and worked as a labourer), passed away 5 years ago.
Mother, in her 90s, always loyal to him but desperate to keep the peace and keep the family together.
I was (although I didn't realise it a the time) quite blessed- I inherited my father's looks, I was clever (never failed any exam) and was humorous and witty. My older brother was not blessed, in looks or academically.
Mocking, spite, bullying by both of them while growing up, especially in my teen years meant I had very, very low self esteem by the time I left home. I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it).
I took to drink and drugs to feel better as I either gave up or failed everything- I dropped out of university, dropped out of life more or less,
had long periods of living on the streets.
Now I have at the end of my life I have sort of picked myself up. Quit drink and drugs and even alcohol. At a rehabilitation centre I met a lovely person, I have started doing on-line studying, (more for pleasure than remuneration, of course), we have a lovely home now (her husband left her well off) and a pleasant life.
Now my brother and mother have started to pester me to re-make contact (to be fair to them, they have never known me sober before, and I have always been bitter, angry and in trouble with the law or threatening suicide, lol!).
They have always blamed me for my depression, drinking and drugs, in their usual sarcastic, dismissive and superior way.
Am I right to wrong to not want contact with my family ever again? TBH, I would rather go to my grave in a relaxed way, than enter their maelstrom of emotion and stress, though of course this is a 'forever' situation- none of us will be around a lot longer. I would be grateful for any views. Thanks!
AIBU- renew contact Yes
Let them go- No

You've spent more time apart from your family than you have with them. I think you need to stop blaming them for all that went wrong in your life
Believe me, I had a far from idyllic childhood but once I moved away from home I made my own decisions. Not everything had gone to plan but that's life.

Definitely no.

If they died tomorrow would you feel
Relieved
Regret (you hadn't taken the chance to talk to them)
Nothing at all
??

Gut reaction.

SunshineCake.

I read sunshine's post, yet somehow basically repeated it! It's been a long week.

Honestly they haven’t been there when you’ve needed them, they sound toxic and self absorbed so I wouldn’t

What would you gain from contact with them?

very, very low self esteem by the time I left home. I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it).

These 2 points don't quite work together

I can't see how it makes anyone happier to reject someone who wants to make amends in their 90s. It just seems very callous.

life is callous

It is your choice. You've done very well.and should be proud, it seems like your brother was a product of his environment unfortunately learnt behaviour is hard to unravel.
If you're sure the meet won't spiral your hard work out of control.

very, very low self esteem by the time I left home. I knew I was clever and good looking, but I dismissed that (I was just born like it, I didn't earn it).

@BlueButtercups

I can't see how it makes anyone happier to reject someone who wants to make amends in their 90s. It just seems very callous.

life is callous

No, people can be callous.

It's a choice people make.

His mother evidently did nothing wrong.

Did you miss that bit of his first post?

Hmm

What's going to give you a bigger mental health wobble? I'm thinking you're in a good place right now and need to watch out for relapse stressors.

Option a. Going to see them, finding out they are still dismissive arseholes and not getting the apologies and closure you would like.

Option b. Not going and hearing that they've passed on without making amends.

I think that considering your life choices you need to be supported by a therapist. I'm currently in therapy for complex PTSD due to childhood abuse which is really effective, and I wonder if similar would help you.

No, people can be callous.

It's a choice people make.

His mother evidently did nothing wrong.

Did you miss that bit of his first post?

Life is callous and cruel, OP is better off with people that truly care about him around him.

Leave 'em in the dust. I have a relative like that and I can honestly say when he dies, I'll be happy. Nothing you've said here makes me think contact would bring any good to you, it's all about them.

There are always two sided to all family dramas.

What I see is a mother who tried to keep everyone happy as the OP says. Given her age, and the era, it would be the norm to obey her husband, and not get beaten up by him by making a stand.

Her son chose to leave uni, take drugs, sleep rough etc. Another child with the same circumstances may not have chosen that route in life. He's blaming his upbringing, but there will be another side we aren't hearing.

@BlueButtercups Are you reading the first post? His mother was not the issue- it was his father and brother.

He cut himself off and disappeared for years. I expect his mother never knew where he was or how to find him.

I wonder if you have a child and how you'd feel if they cut you off in your 90s when you tried to make amends for not being the perfect parent?

Now my brother and mother have started to pester me to re-make contact (to be fair to them, they have never known me sober before, and I have always been bitter, angry and in trouble with the law or threatening suicide, lol!).

It is hard for me to say, from one post it is impossible to understand the layers of your relationships. Is it possible she was going along with your father as she felt she had no choice? I would be inclined to see what they had to say for themselves but only if you are in a strong enough place to maybe not hear what you are hoping for.

I recontacted my father and he's exactly the same as he ever was. It made me sad briefly, but now I feel meh and accept that that's who he is.

In general I think it's best not to go backwards in life. If it didn't work, it didn't work.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@BlueButtercups Are you reading the first post? His mother was not the issue- it was his father and brother.

He cut himself off and disappeared for years. I expect his mother never knew where he was or how to find him.

I wonder if you have a child and how you'd feel if they cut you off in your 90s when you tried to make amends for not being the perfect parent?[/quote]

Cut them off.. live your own life OP

Am I right to wrong to not want contact with my family ever again? TBH, I would rather go to my grave in a relaxed way, than enter their maelstrom of emotion and stress, though of course this is a 'forever' situation- none of us will be around a lot longer

You are not wrong to have no wish to be in touch with them, no.

Beyond that, I'm not really sure you've been expansive enough for people to offer an opinion.

I agree with pp that if it be harmful to you and them to re-engage its probably best you don't. I like the idea of writing a letter , or sharing letters, so you can say what you need to each other.

You haven't said much about what your mum was like as a mother, you said she shares your brothers contempt for your mental health issues and substance abuse...I could also infer from your post that you felt unprotected by your mum, but you don't seem to hold resentment against her (?)

If there's a risk of you spiralling and breaking sobriety then definitely don't resume contact.

If not...Do you know why they want to be in touch? Is there a possibility they want to clear the air and apologise?

Are they hoping for mutual healing and closure?

I have a lot of sympathy with them if they do...Family estrangement can be devastatingly painful. I also wonder how much of their perceived contempt for your issues is long standing frustration, powerlessness and anger at watching you self destruct and being on the receiving end of your behaviour?

Look, these are just things to consider but if you're tempted to have contact with them then there are ways to go about it. As pp said, letter is one way...Nor do you have to reestablish contact with both of them, maybe just your mum?

Whatever you choose, I hope the outcome brings peace and healing.

I can only comment on my own feelings, I would want to make a decision based on what I would be happy to live with in the long term.

If I was satisfied that I didn't want to renew contact, I'd write and afford my mother and sibling some closure. I'd say something about appreciating their interest, wishing them well, but that I was letting them know I was content with my situation and didn't want to change the balance and things were best left, or something like that.

I used to be good looking and clever and had awful self esteem. Now I have lost my looks, my brain is not what it was either and my self esteem grows by the day. So I do get you there.

What helped me was not having people around me who want to break me down. Because it used to be no matter how much I built myself up, I would be broken down quicker. I couldn't build my self esteem quickly enough to counteract all the constant bullying and put downs. Now I am NC with those people. Some of them I am biologically related to, also.

Now I value myself enough to not have people in my life who have nothing positive to add to my life, and nothing nice to say about Me, and who take pleasure when my life goes badly. Fuck 'em. I value myself, my peace of mind and my joy so much more than those relationships, and I no longer moralise not speaking to them. I am not obligated to be nice to people who treat my like a piece of shit. My boundary is simply that I will not be bullied. Well, it's amazing how many people you have to go NC with when you draw that line in the sand!

@ZoeMaye

I used to be good looking and clever and had awful self esteem. Now I have lost my looks, my brain is not what it was either and my self esteem grows by the day. So I do get you there.

What helped me was not having people around me who want to break me down. Because it used to be no matter how much I built myself up, I would be broken down quicker. I couldn't build my self esteem quickly enough to counteract all the constant bullying and put downs. Now I am NC with those people. Some of them I am biologically related to, also.

Now I value myself enough to not have people in my life who have nothing positive to add to my life, and nothing nice to say about Me, and who take pleasure when my life goes badly. Fuck 'em. I value myself, my peace of mind and my joy so much more than those relationships, and I no longer moralise not speaking to them. I am not obligated to be nice to people who treat my like a piece of shit. My boundary is simply that I will not be bullied. Well, it's amazing how many people you have to go NC with when you draw that line in the sand!

very balanced post.

Im glad you have found peace 🌸

I think I'd make contact with your DM if I was in your situation.