My partner asked me to leave him alone... so I did?

[Pancakepipsqueak]

Right there is a whole backstory which you can read if you want on other posts but basically - my partner and I are both on anti depressants. We both had depression and PTSD.
My partner gets these “dark days” where nothing will cheer him and I just get my head bitten off if I dare try.
Today is one of them. I try to be patient - I really do. But it’s horrible to be in the house with.
I had some odd jobs to do this morning with my mum so he was in soul charge of our 8 month old (however she did nap for 2 of the 2.5 hours I’d left the house anyway). I came back and suggested we go out for lunch. Resounding no. I suggested we go open water swimming this evening with my mum as the weather is so lovely and exercise has really helped him in the past.
“No.”
“Are you sure? Its really helped your mood in the past!”
He started ranting and getting defensive - he doesn’t owe me any explanation about what he does or doesn’t want to do. He sounded like a stroppy teenager. I said I was only trying to help.
He said “I just want to be left alone.”
Fine. I start getting ready to take our daughter for a drive - I figure she could have her second nap in the car. He asks me what I’m doing, I say I’m leaving the house.
“How supportive!”
What does he want from me?! I try and do things with him and get shut down, I try and leave (because frankly the atmosphere when he’s in these moods is just awful) and I get called unsupportive.
Unbiased and wise mumsnet, WIBU? What was the right thing to do?
Just to clarify, when he’s not in these moods he’s a lovely, funny man who I’m so so so close to. We’ve been through the worst thing in the world together and our bond is strong. But when he has these days I just feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can do no right!

It doesn't sound to me like YABU. I probably would've done the same thing in your shoes - better to leave a negative atmosphere.

I wouldn’t bother going back
Someone who is only lovely when they’re not in a mood is not a lovely person

He told you he wanted to be left alone so you leave him alone and he calls you supportive? He's being massively U

I don't think there is any point in trying to talk to him when he is in a pit and having a "dark day".

Leave it until he is more stable and more back to himself and talk about what he does want in terms of support on those days and if it is something that is unacceptable to you ie staying in the house in a gloom - then you can explain your point of view.

You are going to get no where at the moment though.

I know exactly how you are feeling.
First of all is he seeing someone for this down days and has been clinically diagnosed with depression and PTSD ?
The reason I ask that is sometimes some symptoms can be very similar to other personality disorders etc
I think maybe he is letting out his anger on you when you are having a good day and getting jelous which I think very manipulative behaviour and also a little abusive.
I would have a talk to him, explain you are there for him wherever/whenever but you won’t be putting up with that s* while walking out the door, put the ball in his court, if he continues then I think you give him an ultimatum to get himself sorted or leave

@sillysmiles yes I’m taking this approach. I’ll probably be out till daughters bed time (I’m going to go swimming!)

@Pancakepipsqueak I assume you are also having the occasional bad day too, and you can discuss your needs for those days. And in general reassess where both of you are in your recovery.

I think you did exactly the right thing to remove your daughter from what was probably a horrible atmosphere.
When DP has recovered, discuss what happened with him. Ask him why, if he says "leave me alone," you were wrong to do just that. Also ask him what you can do to support him if the same thing happens again (assuming that you are happy to do so).

Misery loves company - but that doesn't mean it has to be your company. Enjoy your swim.
How often is he like that?

So you’ve tried to support him with ideas for well being and he but your head off. I think you are entirely justified to go out on your own and leave him behind to his dark mood.

YANBU, my father was like it so I couldn't stand the atmospheres etc whatsoever. The atmospheres will effect your little one as she gets older too, it's ver damaging, no matter what you ourself end up tryying to do to protect her.

Living alone with your LO would be bliss compared to this @Pancakepipsqueak x

My keyboard is so hopeless.

Absolutely the right approach to leave him to sulk. He wants an audience for his childish behaviour.

There's depression and there's an attention seeking spoilt brat who needs to have everything about himself. And a companion for his suffering who he can kick at leisure.
That's your partner, sorry. The diagnoses is no excuse for being a brat.

Usually on threads like this I will be posting about how mental health issues does not mean the person can be abusive to their partners. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt based on what you've said and agree with a PP that when he is out of this fog, you need to have a calm conversation with him about what it is he expects and whether you are able/willing to provide it at these moments. I think it's also perfectly valid to make it clear to him that you won't put up with him being unpleasant to you. If he needs to be alone to be in a bad mood, fine. But taking it out on you is not on.

I can imagine that he didn't want suggestions, which, while irritating because you know that if he took you up on any of them it would help, but that might be a way that the moods affect you less - ie you agree that it is not up to you to try to fix him or offer suggestions. But he needs to meet you half way and not be snappy and unpleasant and you absolutely should not be sitting around doing nothing while he's in a funk.

There is no 'right' way of handling a situation like this.

With DH (who does this very occasionally under huge stress) I've found the most effective thing is to stay as outwardly calm as I possibly can (even if my inner-me is gnashing her teeth and making threatening gestures towards him with a shovel) and reflect back what he's asking me for.

"You want to be left alone?"
"You asked me to be left alone, have you changed your mind about that?"
"I am taking DS (wherever) because he needs some time outside, would you like to come?"

I don't necessarily wait until he's feeling better but I wait until I can be fairly sure that he's able to listen, and I explain to him that I understand if he doesn't feel in control of his emotions, I understand that that isn't his fault, but it isn't anyone else's fault either. I will leave him alone and give him time and space to process whatever's going on, but I can't completely rearrange life every time he feels like the world is getting to be too much.

When he's rational and relatively in balance, does your partner actually understand what's happening to him, and does he understand the impact of it on you?

@Sarrahshan042015 yes we’re both diagnosed. Our son died in 2019. We got support through children’s hospice however that was cancelled due to covid.

When he is in better form, have a chat about the impact his dark days have on you, you're left walking on eggshells, I'd tell him when he is feeling like that you'll be out of the house, it is completely fair.
Start the routine now it won't be good for the baby in this situation, he can't use you as an irritation or verbal punch bag when he is down, the baby will catch on to the negative atmosphere.

Sounds so difficult OP with a child, but I went through this with my DH many years ago - he didn't leave the house at all (literally not even into the garden) for about 3 months - he was severely depressed and suicidal - all the meds and psychiatrists - none helped. I didn't live with him at the time, as we weren't married - but I popped in every day on my way home from work with healthy meals and milk, etc. and tidied up downstairs - pretty much every time I did this, I wouldn't see or hear from him, but I knew he was upstairs. I chose to do this bear in mind - this was my decision.
There is NO WAY I would EVER have been able to get him to do ANYTHING, so I didn't bother suggesting anything in the end.
Long story short, he says that I saved his life (that's what he says) I literally did a couple of times - but my point is, I stuck with him (again, your choice) but exercise every single day, and good food (rich in Omega oils, fish, avocados, fruit etc.) actually saved him.
This all seems like a lifetime ago now - nearly 20yrs later and he's a loving dad and husband, works really hard (he actually works well under stress) and is 'winning' so to speak.
He remembers his past, and recognises any dips when they come along (they do usually winter for a few weeks) and he knows it's a part of him, he manages it when he needs to.
OP, you can't help him, he has to help himself. He, sadly, has to hit the bottom before he can decide, himself, to pull himself back up.
It's your choice whether you want to go through this journey with him, or your baby.
Good luck OP.

I'm very sorry about your DS.

OP, just seen your update - I am so sorry to hear about your son.

I would tell him very clearly that you understand he may be stressed and in an off mood, but you will not be his emotional punching bag. Not ever. He needs to get a grip and stop being abusive and awful.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt based on what you've said and agree with a PP that when he is out of this fog, you need to have a calm conversation with him about what it is he expects and whether you are able/willing to provide it at these moments

@Pancakepipsqueak @Triffid1 I would also say to him he needs to go back to his doctor/consultant and get more help and/or different meds, as it's not fair on you and effecting your happiness, your relationship, and will effect your DC in future. There are loads of different meds they can try, so he can keep trying different stuff until he finds a med that helps a lot more. Even if he's tried different stuff before, he can try some more. He could tell the doctors that he needs more help as his moods and behaviour are effecting his relationship.

I had EMDR for trauma etc, which is one of the most evidence based treatments. I had some privately and then some on the NHS. He could ask his consultant for that, or whatever therapy the have available- get on the list, and get some private help in the meantime. It can often be budgeted for, and is worth it. I got private therapy even though I can't work and only have my disability benefits. Even if he's had some therapy in the past, further therapy and a different therapist, the right one for where he is now (he can try different ones, and if he doesn't like the one he's referred to on the NHS, ask to see a different one.)

He needs to make a further effort basically, as it's not fair on you.

I'm sorry about your DS.

My mum was like this, she was an absolute monster when she got in random strop about something. Looking back now as an adult, I can see she had mental health problems and lacked the ability to express negative emotions in a healthy way. This is what your DH sounds like.

I'd say if he wants to talk about anything, you will be there to listen. But if he just wants to mope around shouting at whoever is in within reach, I think you were right to remove yourself and your child from the situation.

@Pancakepipsqueak @Gliblet -I don't think any woman should have to put up with this without expressing her own emotions to the person concerned. A woman shouldn't be expected to have the patience of a saint.

Having said that, I know that people can come out the other side of mental health problems.