My partner asked me to leave him alone... so I did?

[Pancakepipsqueak]

Right there is a whole backstory which you can read if you want on other posts but basically - my partner and I are both on anti depressants. We both had depression and PTSD.
My partner gets these “dark days” where nothing will cheer him and I just get my head bitten off if I dare try.
Today is one of them. I try to be patient - I really do. But it’s horrible to be in the house with.
I had some odd jobs to do this morning with my mum so he was in soul charge of our 8 month old (however she did nap for 2 of the 2.5 hours I’d left the house anyway). I came back and suggested we go out for lunch. Resounding no. I suggested we go open water swimming this evening with my mum as the weather is so lovely and exercise has really helped him in the past.
“No.”
“Are you sure? Its really helped your mood in the past!”
He started ranting and getting defensive - he doesn’t owe me any explanation about what he does or doesn’t want to do. He sounded like a stroppy teenager. I said I was only trying to help.
He said “I just want to be left alone.”
Fine. I start getting ready to take our daughter for a drive - I figure she could have her second nap in the car. He asks me what I’m doing, I say I’m leaving the house.
“How supportive!”
What does he want from me?! I try and do things with him and get shut down, I try and leave (because frankly the atmosphere when he’s in these moods is just awful) and I get called unsupportive.
Unbiased and wise mumsnet, WIBU? What was the right thing to do?
Just to clarify, when he’s not in these moods he’s a lovely, funny man who I’m so so so close to. We’ve been through the worst thing in the world together and our bond is strong. But when he has these days I just feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can do no right!

I'd tell him quite clearly that you were being supportive when you made positive suggestions like lunch and swimming. He has rejected your support right now so you are going out.

End of the conversation.

Depression or in fact any other health issue does not give the person the right to be rude to others.

As others have said- discuss your needs with each other on your bad days. Even if you have to write down a list of things you do and don't want/need and keep it to hand. He sounds agitated and like he doesn't know what he wants- it's not him and it's not your fault. Does he have a hobby or somewhere he can go when he feels like this? Although it's safer for him to be at home so you can check on him, he may need some breathing space to let out what he's feeling.

I'm so sorry to read about your son, I hope support is available soon

@Pancakepipsqueak
So so sorry to hear of your sons passing. This is obviously a very difficult time for both of you and even though it’s been 2 years it’s still very raw for both of you.
I think he is taking the passing of your son maybe more difficult than you are, he might not be able to cope with his emotions as good as you have. People grieve in such different ways.
I think maybe he resents this, he resents you being able to have a good day and go swimming and do nice things with your daughter.
Grievance councillor could be a good idea for him. Maybe you should give that a mention when he calms down?

OK, I'm pregnant so I may be biased, but my hormones right now can make me behave a bit like this - stroppy, nothing can make me happy, my loved ones can't do anything right etc. I tend to get very teenagerish and stroppy then burst into tears when I realise what a bitch I'm being. So I would also give him the benefit of the doubt and see it as part of his depression - that's not to say he's not responsible for it, but more that you should basically ignore it until he's in a better place in the same way you would a tantrumming toddler or a stroppy teenager. He's not going to be able to moderate his behaviour while he's in a bad place.

Of course, if these 'bad days' are dominant over good days, then it's a different issue - at some point the depression doesn't excuse the bad behaviour. Even on bad days it should be the exception - he's allowed to feel crap but should try his damnedest to not drag other people into the pit of despair with him.

He's not going to be able to moderate his behaviour while he's in a bad place.

@notalwaysalondoner He can get more therapy and other treatments to help him regulate his emotions or his response to them.

After years of this sort of treatment I eft my partner. I now realise that you cannot make someone happy they have to do it themselves. I am so much more relaxed now and according to friends he is actually now getting out and being sociable but probably because he hasn’t got me and DS to moan at ! Good luck x

I'd say him stating that he wanted to 'be left alone' doesn't mean literally he was happy for you to to leave the house and he felt he'd be fine without you.

You've listed the things he said 'no' to, as if it was getting ridiculous and there was no talking to him, as he just wasn't interested or couldn't face it. He was aware of it too and wanted you to stop asking for something from him he couldn't give.

He wanted not to be pushed to the point where he needed to defend himself.

So sorry about your DS.

It sounds like you are in the part of grief that really sucks (as opposed to flooring you, feeling like your insides are being scraped out with a spoon or some other similar horror). Its the endless dragging down, the when will I ever feel like a human again, the pointlessness of it all....it does mitigate eventually

You and DH may also be at different stages of your grief, so you might be cresting a hill (even a temporary one) and he is deep in a valley.

It might be a good idea to pick your moment when you are both in a good place to set some ground rules for when one of you is having a bad day. Something like you will check in with each other twice and then leave the other person alone. You will suggest some activity from a list that you both agree is full of genuinely helpful actions, but only twice and then you will leave the other person alone (stick the list on the fridge). That you have a code word that if used means that every effort is needed to pull together as you or he (if its your bad day) needs serious help - dog escaped into the road, DD needs to go to A and E etc. etc etc.

Can you afford private counseling? Its likely to be marriage saving as loosing a child is very very hard on relationships.

Good luck and sending gentle hugs

@Cdplayers fair points - what would you suggest that I’d have done in the situation then

If you know he is having a low day why are trying to cheer him up, let him be

My ex had depression and I know how hard it is to cope with. Definitely discuss with him how to deal with him. He’s probably confused and doesn’t know weather he wants you to stay or go, but just stick around, be in another room, so that he feels you are there for him.

It does seem like you were pushing him a bit. I'm not sure it was actually helpful. Probably should have left him alone when you noticed he was grumpy, very rarely do people in those situations want endless suggestions how to improve their mood.

Is he actively in therapy? If not he should consider it. As should you. If your doctor just prescribed meds and then left you thats not really the way to go. I'm sure therapy is much more effective.

Drugs tends to be treatment of choice when there is a genuine imbalance. You had a very traumatic event happen to you and I'm sorry it did, therapy would be much more effective treatment for you both.

I'd say him stating that he wanted to 'be left alone' doesn't mean literally he was happy for you to to leave the house and he felt he'd be fine without you.

@Cdplayers You must've missed the bit where he called OP unsupportive for organizing herself to go out as he'd asked.

according to friends he is actually now getting out and being sociable

My dad quit his job due to mental health problems he didn't do much about. He had an explosive temper. My mum then had to support us all for several years. After they split up he was miraculously able to get a job and work very quickly.

Sounds like its getting toxic tbh. maybe you need a fresh start OP

I think theres a large jump between not wanting to go out for food or to go swimming, to leaving him alone in the house.

Im guessing he wanted to just chill in the house, but with you there as well as quiet companionship. Without it becoming a big outing or activity, you could have both done somethinf with your dd (colouring in, jigsaw, or something at that sort of level)

A big activity would be very overwhelming, but company is nice.

@ChatterMonkey

I think theres a large jump between not wanting to go out for food or to go swimming, to leaving him alone in the house.

Im guessing he wanted to just chill in the house, but with you there as well as quiet companionship. Without it becoming a big outing or activity, you could have both done somethinf with your dd (colouring in, jigsaw, or something at that sort of level)

A big activity would be very overwhelming, but company is nice.

But he did say to leave him alone. So is OP supposed to stay at a distance but not feel she can go out? What about her mental health?

When I initially read your post I was going to say YABU as you sounded a bit naggy/mothering him when you were asking him to do stuff and he didn’t want to.
But for him to be annoyed that you then decided to go out YANBU at all!

I think you need to sit with him when he’s feeling up to it and ask him exactly how you can support him when he’s having one of those days. And explain that being around him when he’s like that isn’t good for your MH and definitely not your DC. You can say how he can support you too.
I do wonder how compatible the relationship is if you both suffer with theses issues - do you not bring each other down more?

When there's a good moment, why not ask him what he actually means and wants when he tells you to leave him alone? It's a fair question and the answer might be enlightening

It could be that the 'support' he wants is for you to hover just out of his sight, ready to leap into full support mode the instant he calls you . If that's it, you just assert your separate existence as a support human and proceed.

If he means something other, he needs to be explicit. It would be fair to tell him you will routinely take him at his word and don't expect any negativity from him about complying with his wishes. There are three lives here, after all, not one.

In this case, for him, 'you can't do right for doing wrong'. Really he just needs someone to lash out at - as was said above, misery loves company.

You are doing the right thing. You made the right offers - you didn't rise to provocation and you are taking your baby and yourself out of the atmosphere without sulky storming-off.

Sorry for your loss you both have so much to bear here. Well done on being able to support another's pain in such circumstances. It can't be easy.

The loss of a child can devastate a relationship. I know when we lost our daughter late in pregnancy it was a very, very rough time for us. I sought out a support group and talked through a lot of the anger I had at what happened to us but DH didn't want to go, he internalised a lot of it and eventually just shut down. As a result I had an outlet that was working for me and he was simmering with hurt and and anger that he didn't know how to let out, two very different paths. It took him a long time to come out the other side and start talking about what happened. He still finds it very hard, though thankfully his dark days are getting less frequent he just needed to find an outlet that worked for him. It's been 6 years for us. Her birthday was just last week.

In a lot of ways, her loss has bonded us together very strongly but it could so easily have blown us apart. We both still have thos dark days, usually around her anniversary and I have found that in those moments we don't really know what it is we want. It's such a complex, horrid thing to go through and it's hard to articulate what it is that you need. I'm so sorry for your loss.

For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong today, he asked to be left alone and you did just that, you have every right to remove yourself from that situation.

Im guessing he meant leave me alone as in 'stop nagging me' rather than leave the house

Within reason, as it sounds like you're picking up the slack when he's struggling, I'd say still suggest activities you think would boost his mood, but be prepared to accept it if he declines.

I'm guessing he knows things like exercise will ultimately help, and hearing that he 'should' do them when perhaps he feels overwhelmed by the very idea might make him feel worse and like he doesn't really have a choice.

It's a tough one because you're a team and if he'd been open to any of your ideas it may well have done you both some good to spend time as a family at lunch or swimming, so I see why you carried on without him when there was no talking to him and he made you feel like you couldn't get through.

I just think from his point of view, carrying on without him wasn't what he really meant and if he would do the same in return if (when?) you need it, asking if he meant he wanted some time and space to himself or just for you ease off and allow him a less demanding option might have made him feel genuinely supported.

It sounds like he is one of those people who has to deliberately creatw an atmosphere and make other people suffer when he is unhappy. It is controlling, manipulative behaviour.

I'm not doubting his depressive condition but as a wise mumsnetter once commented "There is nobody as self-centred as someone with depression."

This really struck home with me as a family member was this way and I spent years walking on egg shells. His depression was real as well but somewhere along the way I forgot to value my own feelings and mental health. I eventually realised I was enabling his behaviour, the more I walked on egg shells, the more self-indulgent he was in being so moody.

You did the right thing and don't feel guilty for it! Especially as you have a young child and she certainly doesn't need to be exposed to her father's constant moods so definitely go out and be with her.

@ChatterMonkey

I think theres a large jump between not wanting to go out for food or to go swimming, to leaving him alone in the house.

Im guessing he wanted to just chill in the house, but with you there as well as quiet companionship. Without it becoming a big outing or activity, you could have both done somethinf with your dd (colouring in, jigsaw, or something at that sort of level)

A big activity would be very overwhelming, but company is nice.

Having one person who has experienced the same traumatic event being forced to remain inside when they know it won't make them feel better is unhealthy. It's making them sabotage their own health just so the other has control over somebody else's feelings and behaviour.