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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Your advice on ill in laws please

79 replies

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 06:38

To cut a long story short..... My father in law has terminal cancer and is now receiving end of life care in their home, mother in law has parkinsons disease and at times has balance problems and memory loss, a few weeks ago they he had a nasty infection and she had a fall and they both ended up in hospital at the same time, while they were in hospital, his sister and daughter moved in to the in laws home to help care for him when he returned home, when the mother in law was due to be discharged, the sister and daughter said mother in law can not return to the house because it upsets father in law to see her like she is, they don't want her visiting him or anything anymore and to just basically dissappear. I understand that they can't look after each other and we are happy to have her with us, but all she wants is to be with him, she has cared for him for the last 11 years at the detriment to her own health, they are now refusing to answer the phone when she rings to see how he is. Its heartbreaking to see. I have tried to speak to social services to arrange a care package so they can spend this precious time together but the sister bet me to it and has told them she is much worse than she actually is and the social services has told me she can not go home, he needs to recover in peace He's not going to recover!! I'm at a loss, I don't know what to say to her, has anybody been in this sort of situation and can offer any advice, I have offered to take leave and go look after them both so they can spend a little time together and have been told "no chance".

OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 02/06/2021 06:40

oh that is terribly sad. seems very unjust indeed.

BeetyAxe · 02/06/2021 06:44

That is horrendous. Is this your husbands sister stopping her mother from entering her own home? Surely your mil has a legal right to enter the property and can throw the sister/daughter out?

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/06/2021 06:47

Wtf?! So your DH’s Aunty and cousin have kicked your MIL out of her home and essentially blocked your FIL?! That is insane and cruel

FrangipaniBlue · 02/06/2021 06:47

@BeetyAxe

That is horrendous. Is this your husbands sister stopping her mother from entering her own home? Surely your mil has a legal right to enter the property and can throw the sister/daughter out?
I've read it as FILs sister and her daughter, ie his niece?

I'm going to go out on a limb, are MIL & FIL married? Because if not, there's your answers as to why they're doing it.

Utter B@st@rds.

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 07:04

My apologies, I haven't slept for days and its not very clear, father in law is my husbands step dad but he thinks of him as dad, its father in laws sister and father in laws daughter who have moved in and are blocking mother in law from returning home. They have been married nearly 40 years, mother in law is a lovely woman, too lovely sometimes, we are more than happy to care for her but she so wants to be with her husband, she has just weeped constantly for the last few weeks, its bloody heartbreaking.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 02/06/2021 07:10

I think your MIL needs to see a solicitor urgently. I'm not sure how she can be stopped from accessing her own home.

Voomster953 · 02/06/2021 07:14

Their cruelty and spite, because that is what it is, is appalling. How dare they prevent her from seeing her husband again?

7yo7yo · 02/06/2021 07:16

Get legal advice ASAP.

Pansypotter123 · 02/06/2021 07:23

So it's your husband's mum who isn't being allowed into her own home? What is your husband doing while all this is going on? Why is he even allowing this? Sorry if I've misunderstood something!

Pansypotter123 · 02/06/2021 07:24

Should have asked, are you in the UK?

tara66 · 02/06/2021 07:26

How legally can this happen? The law needs to point out to the parties involved this women has the right to return to her home. Who owns the house anyway?

jamimmi · 02/06/2021 07:28

Have social services actually assessed MIL . If not insist they do. Also has anyone actually spoken to FIL ? If not then explain to Ss that you are worried that he is being controlled/ mentally abused by carers who are blocking contact with his legal NOK and as for a best intrests meeting for both of them as vulnerable adults.Also contact legal help now.

Sleeplessem · 02/06/2021 07:33

This is horrible! What does your FIL want? Even if she is worse for wear, they are depriving him of seeing the love of his life in his last days/ weeks/ months. I don’t know how they live with themselves.

Is something like a family event off the cards? Like a Sunday roast with you, hubby, them, FIL and MIL, then the issue of care disappears and they are still there. Maybe could watch a film after or something?

On the legal side, do any of them have power of attorney? I’m not sure how they can prevent her from accessing her own home. Definitely a solicitor needs to be involved. Tbh I would fight with social services, perhaps get a letter from your MILs doctor stating her health and if he/ she believes she can be around FIL. Social services should not have made that decision without evidence and talking to SIL is not evidence.

CheneHetre · 02/06/2021 07:35

Is there a financial reason why they are doing this, are the aunt and daughter going to claim the house as theirs when he passes?

Moondust001 · 02/06/2021 07:40

@CheneHetre

Is there a financial reason why they are doing this, are the aunt and daughter going to claim the house as theirs when he passes?
I hate to say it but this was my immediate thought too - they are after money. I think a solicitors advice is urgently called for. I suspect you may be seeing undue influence being brought to bear on FIL.
bishbashbosh99 · 02/06/2021 07:43

This is a fucking disgrace! Sorry you're having to witness this

CheneHetre · 02/06/2021 07:44

Look out for a “new will”

MyFloorIsLava · 02/06/2021 07:45

You definitely need urgent legal advice. I cannot see how you can prevent someone returning to their own home without a court order. I agree with posters who say they want to claim on the house when FIL passes away.

maddening · 02/06/2021 07:50

They want the property, it is clear that mil will survive fil and they want the house i would bet.

I would go to a solicitor.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 02/06/2021 07:56

Sorry if missed it, what does step father say? Does he have capacity? Does his daughter have POA for health and welfare? Your DH should speak to the discharge co ordinator, if father in law wants her home and has capacity no one can stop her.

What a horrible situation.

RincewindsHat · 02/06/2021 07:56

Surely you just take her round and ask the police to help you gain entry to the property?

squiglet111 · 02/06/2021 07:59

If her name is on the property too I suggest you turn up with her and demand entry. If they refuse call the police. It inhumane for a husband and wife not to be together like this. I'm sure he's more distraught at not being with his wife. Are you able to stay with them for a few days to help sort out care for her too? Sounds very difficult. The sister and daughter have no right to do this.

Star81 · 02/06/2021 08:00

If they are married and jointly own the home they cannot stop her from accessing it.

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 08:32

Thank you so much for all your comments, the problem is we have been told father in law is too upset to see her and doesn't want her to visit incase she falls, she hasn't fallen here in 3 weeks! Husband is furious but he also loves his step dad very much and doesn't want to cause a raucous for him, its not an option to take them out, he is bedbound, very frail and weak. I will seek legal advice this morning, I can't imagine taking her round and her not being able to go in, I honestly think that would break her. As for the house and money (I don't think there is much money) with it being her house too I'm not sure he could leave it to someone else, its a situation I just can't understand, I'm not sure what the motivation for it is.

OP posts:
Sleeplessem · 02/06/2021 08:45

@EveMerc75 he could technically leave his share to anyone as per a will. Only if he dies intestate would it automatically go to next of kin (MIL)

And they won’t even let her and you both pop around for a cup of tea at his house?

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