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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Your advice on ill in laws please

79 replies

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 06:38

To cut a long story short..... My father in law has terminal cancer and is now receiving end of life care in their home, mother in law has parkinsons disease and at times has balance problems and memory loss, a few weeks ago they he had a nasty infection and she had a fall and they both ended up in hospital at the same time, while they were in hospital, his sister and daughter moved in to the in laws home to help care for him when he returned home, when the mother in law was due to be discharged, the sister and daughter said mother in law can not return to the house because it upsets father in law to see her like she is, they don't want her visiting him or anything anymore and to just basically dissappear. I understand that they can't look after each other and we are happy to have her with us, but all she wants is to be with him, she has cared for him for the last 11 years at the detriment to her own health, they are now refusing to answer the phone when she rings to see how he is. Its heartbreaking to see. I have tried to speak to social services to arrange a care package so they can spend this precious time together but the sister bet me to it and has told them she is much worse than she actually is and the social services has told me she can not go home, he needs to recover in peace He's not going to recover!! I'm at a loss, I don't know what to say to her, has anybody been in this sort of situation and can offer any advice, I have offered to take leave and go look after them both so they can spend a little time together and have been told "no chance".

OP posts:
choosername1234 · 02/06/2021 08:58

Another voice here saying watch out for a new will. I would strongly suspect that money is the motivation here

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/06/2021 09:02

Do also immediately thought it’s an inheritance job. I would also bet that they’re telling your poor FIL that MIL doesn’t want to come home as she doesn’t want to see him like he is or some such cruelty.

Aprilwasverywet · 02/06/2021 09:04

Contact your local council and speak to the vulnerable adult dept. They may have some advice until you can see a solicitor..

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2021 09:07

Has your husband spoken to his (step?) sister about HIM visiting? At least he could see how he is and speak to him about how his mom is?

AdaColeman · 02/06/2021 09:15

Start keeping a detailed record of events, what was said etc. This has got to be about money and property. You need legal advice ASAP.
Your poor MIL!

Hollywolly1 · 02/06/2021 09:30

Money money money

FangsForTheMemory · 02/06/2021 09:30

They are aiming to grab what they can, as soon as they can. I would be talking to social services and the police.

GloriousGoosebumps · 02/06/2021 09:43

How did your fil's daughter and his sister treat treat your mil before this happened? Has there always been some animosity between them? I was also wondering whether your fil owned the house before his marriage to mil and that is why they are so territorial and excluding your mil?

2ndtimemum2 · 02/06/2021 09:48

I would actually be ringing the police as it is her home she has every entitlement to go there. Legally They can't actually prevent her from going home. They sound like they're trying to get into the will

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2021 09:50

Have either you or DH actually managed to speak to his stepdad? I too think money is the reason the aunt is acting like this.

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 11:02

In regard to them all getting along, I have never known any animosity, I’ve only ever seen the aunt once in about 20 years, I don’t think she has been in their life much until now, the daughter comes and goes in fits and starts, the home is in an old mining village in the north east, it’s not an expensive home, certainly not worth doing this for, we have an appointment with a local solicitor on Friday, I’m awaiting a call back from social services. Thankyou all for both your kind words and advice

OP posts:
LadyEloise · 02/06/2021 11:56

Like @2ndtimemum2 I too would have a word with the local police.
I would get your dh to speak with them. as it is his mother who is being prevented from entering her own home.
I would also contact a solicitor asap.

Step aunt and her daughter - I'd be deeply suspicious it's asset related.
Check with mil re will. Hopefully he has one written.

billy1966 · 02/06/2021 12:13

I would think this is also a plolice matter.
Your MIL is being prevented from entering her home.

Very suspicious.

Pompom2367 · 02/06/2021 12:16

Op they have no legal right to prevent you mil from entering the house I would definitely get legal advice

2bazookas · 02/06/2021 12:31

@CheneHetre

Look out for a “new will”
No Way. FIL has dementia, with hospital witnesses, so does not have mental capacity to make a new will.

Surely OP's DH can go to visit his dying stepdad at home? Then at least he can check out if it's true stepdad doesn't want MIL to visit.

Perhaps senile stepdad has been "misinterpreted", perhaps wil;fully, by his sister. He might have changed his mind now

nzborn · 02/06/2021 13:17

Get social services to interview her and make their own judgement, disgusting behaviour from those family members do they have hidden agenda re the house.

Triffid1 · 02/06/2021 13:37

Are they allowing any visitors because I'd also be questioning whether this IS what FIL wants. Can your Dh go and see him and speak to him?

Agree with all the others though - solicitor. Never mind anything else, this is MIL's home and she's being blocked from it.

LadyEloise · 02/06/2021 13:48

If my mother was being refused entry to her own home I'd be around with the police pronto.
I live in Ireland so it might be slightly different.
Our Gardai ( police ) would be very helpful in a situation like that. Non confrontational.

MaxNormal · 02/06/2021 13:54

If I were your DH I would go round there and throw the squatters out of his mother's home.

Breakfastofmilk · 02/06/2021 14:05

[quote Sleeplessem]@EveMerc75 he could technically leave his share to anyone as per a will. Only if he dies intestate would it automatically go to next of kin (MIL)

And they won’t even let her and you both pop around for a cup of tea at his house?[/quote]
It depends if the house is owned as joint tenants or tenants in common. If they are joint tenants then they both own the whole house and MIL will automatically own the house by herself when FIL dies.

If they are tenants in common then they each own a share and FIL can will his share to whoever he wants.

JonahofArk · 02/06/2021 14:06

@MaxNormal

If I were your DH I would go round there and throw the squatters out of his mother's home.
I'd do this. Or I'd get the police involved. You can't tread lightly here-they clearly have some sort of plan and if they think they can walk all over you all then they will.
User57327259 · 02/06/2021 14:14

Social workers are not qualified to make medical judgements. This has to be carried out by a suitably qualified doctor.
No-one should be influenced by the statements of those not qualified to carry out medical tests whether these are physical or mental health assessments.
Are either of the sister or her daughter qualified medics?

Sleeplessem · 02/06/2021 14:30

@Breakfastofmilk good point!

thismummylovescake · 02/06/2021 14:55

We have almost an identical situation going on, it has been going on since last July so I really understand the upset this causes. In our circumstances it's the opposite way round, DGF was kicked out of the house by my aunt despite him and my DGM being married for over 60 years and still very much together.
I really hope for a better outcome for you than what we have had. Despite getting solicitors involved once my aunt had told social services her 'version' of why they couldn't live together there was literally nothing we could do.
My DGF even turned up at the house to try and see her and my aunt called the police and blocked him from getting in by saying she was scared of him (all complete bulls**t). She has basically made my Nan change her will and now doesn't want him interfering in it so she can gain access to most of the finances.
He has had no choice now but to leave his own house and not return and they have gotten away with it all because the legal system is absolutely rubbish and once they changed the locks he had little chance of anything.
He's 90 and literally cries everyday because he misses his wife and doesn't know how to live without her. It's heartbreaking what has been allowed to happen to him.
I really really hope your situation turns out better than this x

LadyEloise · 02/06/2021 17:04

Oh @thismummylovescake
That is so unjust.
How can the police do this to him ?
Do they co own their house ?
Surely a good solicitor could blow holes in the goings on ?

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