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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Your advice on ill in laws please

79 replies

EveMerc75 · 02/06/2021 06:38

To cut a long story short..... My father in law has terminal cancer and is now receiving end of life care in their home, mother in law has parkinsons disease and at times has balance problems and memory loss, a few weeks ago they he had a nasty infection and she had a fall and they both ended up in hospital at the same time, while they were in hospital, his sister and daughter moved in to the in laws home to help care for him when he returned home, when the mother in law was due to be discharged, the sister and daughter said mother in law can not return to the house because it upsets father in law to see her like she is, they don't want her visiting him or anything anymore and to just basically dissappear. I understand that they can't look after each other and we are happy to have her with us, but all she wants is to be with him, she has cared for him for the last 11 years at the detriment to her own health, they are now refusing to answer the phone when she rings to see how he is. Its heartbreaking to see. I have tried to speak to social services to arrange a care package so they can spend this precious time together but the sister bet me to it and has told them she is much worse than she actually is and the social services has told me she can not go home, he needs to recover in peace He's not going to recover!! I'm at a loss, I don't know what to say to her, has anybody been in this sort of situation and can offer any advice, I have offered to take leave and go look after them both so they can spend a little time together and have been told "no chance".

OP posts:

thismummylovescake · 02/06/2021 17:34

@LadyEloise

Oh *@thismummylovescake* That is so unjust. How can the police do this to him ? Do they co own their house ? Surely a good solicitor could blow holes in the goings on ?

We've tried absolutely everything. They both own the house jointly. Because my aunt has told social services they can't live together the solicitors can't force anything different. He literally asks every day (he has dementia so forgets) why he isn't allowed home and we have no answer because it's all so unjust.

Mumof1andacat · 02/06/2021 17:50

Does your MIL have a legal/financial position in regards to the house it self? If she is on the mortgage/deeds. She cant be stopped from entering the property?

BeetyAxe · 03/06/2021 07:01

Morning @EveMerc75. We’re you able to get legal advice? I really think you need to play a bit tough here, get your husband into the house to pack up all their stuff and bring mil in through the back door, then if the sister of niece try to force entry prone the police, it’s your Mums house so it’s up to her who can and can’t enter Your DH will need to be prepared to move in for the foreseeable.

malificent7 · 03/06/2021 07:21

If i was your dh i would force entry but call the police first and let them know whats happening. He cannot just sit back and watch.

Original poster

EveMerc75 · 03/06/2021 07:24

@thismummylovescake

We have almost an identical situation going on, it has been going on since last July so I really understand the upset this causes. In our circumstances it's the opposite way round, DGF was kicked out of the house by my aunt despite him and my DGM being married for over 60 years and still very much together. I really hope for a better outcome for you than what we have had. Despite getting solicitors involved once my aunt had told social services her 'version' of why they couldn't live together there was literally nothing we could do. My DGF even turned up at the house to try and see her and my aunt called the police and blocked him from getting in by saying she was scared of him (all complete bulls**t). She has basically made my Nan change her will and now doesn't want him interfering in it so she can gain access to most of the finances. He has had no choice now but to leave his own house and not return and they have gotten away with it all because the legal system is absolutely rubbish and once they changed the locks he had little chance of anything. He's 90 and literally cries everyday because he misses his wife and doesn't know how to live without her. It's heartbreaking what has been allowed to happen to him. I really really hope your situation turns out better than this x

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, its heartbreaking, I do not understand why people do this sort of thing, how can they be so cruel. The social services are appalling, they have a duty of care to all vulnerable people, its like they pick a side without investigation and make life even more difficult when they should be helping and the English Legal System is so frustrating, my heart really does go out to you all x

OP posts:

AbsolutelyPatsy · 03/06/2021 07:30

if they could agree to having carers visit 4 times a day would that help? in case of falls?

Original poster

EveMerc75 · 03/06/2021 07:35

@BeetyAxe

Morning *@EveMerc75*. We’re you able to get legal advice? I really think you need to play a bit tough here, get your husband into the house to pack up all their stuff and bring mil in through the back door, then if the sister of niece try to force entry prone the police, it’s your Mums house so it’s up to her who can and can’t enter Your DH will need to be prepared to move in for the foreseeable.

We are seeing the solicitor tomorrow morning, I rang the social services yesterday 3 times, you cannot speak to the caseworker involved and she does not return the calls. Its so frustrating. Right at this moment we would be happy for Mil to just visit him daily to settle her, it would be difficult for them to look after each other, Aunt says she can look after Fil but not Mil, its too much, we have offered to care for both until we can get a care package put in place but neither the aunt or social services will consider that option. I've suggested we just go and ask the police to assist but my Mil seems terrified of this and starts to cry, I have my fingers crossed for the solicitor tomorrow but I'm not feeling too optimistic.

OP posts:

LoudestCat14 · 03/06/2021 07:40

Why don't you just go round there and demand to be let in? Failing that, I'd be calling the police on 101 and asking for advice on how MIL can access her own property, because I'm pretty sure what they're doing in locking her out from her own home is illegal. How utterly heartbreaking for her.

LoudestCat14 · 03/06/2021 07:42

Just saw your update – don't tell MIL that you're calling the police for advice if the idea upsets her, just do it. You're not asking them to go round mob handed, just asking what you can do.

Zzelda · 03/06/2021 07:47

I rang the social services yesterday 3 times, you cannot speak to the caseworker involved and she does not return the calls

Email the caseworker and copy in the head of department saying that their assessment is based on the fallacy that FiL will recover and asking for an urgent online meeting to discuss this properly.

Zzelda · 03/06/2021 07:48

I doubt that the police will do anything unless there is a concern about FiL's safety. They will say it's a civil dispute.

DeathByWalkies · 03/06/2021 07:55

This is an adult safeguarding matter and needs social services involvement.

It's like a marginally more genteel version of cuckooing.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 03/06/2021 08:09

where would mil live if it wasnt in her home?

LoudestCat14 · 03/06/2021 08:11

@Zzelda

I doubt that the police will do anything unless there is a concern about FiL's safety. They will say it's a civil dispute.

There is a concern about his safety – he's stuck at home and his wife isn't being allowed to enter to check on him.

Zzelda · 03/06/2021 08:16

@LoudestCat14, presumably not if social services is already involved?

RickiTarr · 03/06/2021 08:17

@CheneHetre

Is there a financial reason why they are doing this, are the aunt and daughter going to claim the house as theirs when he passes?

Yes, that was my thought.

I’d be framing this in terms of safeguarding older people.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 03/06/2021 08:22

Is it possible to frame this as they have kidnapped him? He is being prevented from seeing his next of kin.

Obviously, kidnap is a stretch, but, this can't be legal.

Gazelda · 03/06/2021 08:36

Oh God, this is horrific. Your poor PIL.

Is it worth speaking with Parkinson's UK to say that your MIL is being prevented from entering her own home and how can they help her?

Or McMillan to ask if they can help MIL visit her terminally ill DH?
Whenever you talk with anyone, mention the word 'safeguarding' as this will give the issue another level of seriousness. And it definitely is a safeguarding issue.

thismummylovescake · 03/06/2021 08:48

My advice would be to definitely not call the police! We did this to let them know that we would be trying to gain entry back to the property for my grandad and they instantly told us that it would be breach of the peace. When we spoke to the solicitor later on they told us that if we had just turned up with my grandad we could legally have broken a window to get in and had a locksmith change the locks back as long as we paid for any damage that had been done.
Once your MIL is in the house they can't legally do anything to remove her as it is her house too. The only problem with that is that you would then have to make sure she didn't leave as they could change the locks and block her out again.
If you can go down this route and get access to the house your husband could then stay there with them until you can sort out a full time carer for them both and that way social services would have no way to argue that they can't be in the same house together.
I really wish we had known this in advance and would have been able to get my grandad back in to his own house. By us doing what we thought was the right thing and calling the police it actually blocked us from being able to do anything.

Happy for you to pm me if you would like any advice as like I mentioned we were in the exact same situation last year x

jamimmi · 03/06/2021 08:53

It may also be appropriate to contact ss and say you wish to report a safeguarding issue.they should have a special team for this. Report your concerns re psychological abuse and coercion. I would also say you are concerned there is a financial reason for this. They will have to investigate this formally.

Summersnake · 03/06/2021 09:02

Call the police ,they are trespassing
Your dh needs to grow some balls and get his mum home ,get those bitches out

Ilovethewild · 03/06/2021 09:13

Op, another one here who suggests you raise this as a safeguarding alert. Both fil and mil are vulnerable adults who are at risk of abuse/ homelessness, financial and emotional abuse. You need to raise aunt/daughter as potential abusers. Aunt has no rights to say who lives where, only mil and fil can decide or if they lack capacity or there are concerns can others step in but it must be done via best interest which would involve family (not just aunt!).
Escalate this to senior social workers/managers, ASAP

Involve GP as well

Try age Uk

CoraPirbright · 03/06/2021 09:14

This is utterly horrifying. Why on earth they will not agree to a daily visit is beyond me and signifies, I feel, that their intentions are not honourable.

Can your dh not go around under the pretext of visiting his father and asking him directly (if they are left alone) what his wishes are. I bet he has little idea that his wife is barred from her own house and husband!

Good luck with the solicitors.

MeridianB · 03/06/2021 09:21

Has your DH seen his dad or is everyone being kept away? If the latter then this is very urgent a# they could be doing anything to the poor man against his wishes.

Honeyroar · 03/06/2021 09:24

This is so sad and appalling that social services actually help these cruel people steal from elderly people. I hope your solicitor/the police help. Could you ask to speak to the head of social services? Or your local MP? Even local papers? I’d not let up. Poor lady.

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