That sometimes stiff upper lip is best policy?

[shakingstevensfan]

We are supposed to talk about how we are feeling. Sometimes this can help. But sometimes no one knows what to say and telling others just makes you feel worse.
Sometimes the best way to deal with tough times is just to adopt a stiff upper lip and plough on through as best you can. And sometimes when you pretend to be fine, it can make you feel a bit better.

Yep totally agree

Agreed it works best for some people and it is my go to. But also, my upper lip isn’t playing ball at the moment, I am acting ok in every way but apart from gurning my top lip and it will not stop. If anyone has any tips for training my upper lip to play ball I am all ears.

What if you really aren't ok though? What then?

Then you take up one of the many other options available

Telling people stuff only ever makes me feel worse.

@ViciousJackdaw

What if you really aren't ok though? What then?

It depends on what works for you. I am not all right at the moment. But I am not actively suicidal. If I was I would tell my GP how I feel.

If you adopt a stiff upper lip, then no one will know how you are feeling.. so you can't really complain when people are not understanding.

@XenoBitch But are people understanding anyway? I find they don't really know what to say. Especially if there is not a nice neat reason for how you are feeling.

I find sometimes it’s useful to talk but often it’s not actually helpful and can make it worse or a bigger deal than necessary.

It’s hard to not be able to talk if you want to, but also hard if you’re being expected to talk and share if you don’t want to.

Like the Queen?
The things she has been though.

@Serin the queen has been through less than most people her age.

[quote shakingstevensfan]@XenoBitch But are people understanding anyway? I find they don't really know what to say. Especially if there is not a nice neat reason for how you are feeling.[/quote]
Depending on what you are saying and expressing how you are feeling, a lot of people wont know how to deal with it. If you are feeling suicidal for example, most people will panic and have no idea what to do. Their instinct is to come out with stuff like ' you have to live for your kids' or something which is not helpful at all. That is not a failure on your part, and certainly does not mean you should not reach out. It is just most people are not prepared for it.

Mental health emergency stuff should be taught just as CPR is.

I agree with this (not in all cases, of course). It's a natural part of being resilient - tapping into your own inner strength.

@XenoBitch people want a nice neat reason where they can give advice or reassure you it will get better. For example, I am really down because my father is ill, or I am really anxious because my child has this symptom and no one is taking it seriously.
But lots of times life is not like that.

Maybe for some people. For me, pretending things are fine and buying head in sand without talking to anyone has always made me feel worse overall, and hasn’t helped anything long term.

I think everyone has ways that work for them. Some people are talkers others aren't. I'm more of a stick it in a box and move on kind of person but get that others may feel differently.

[quote shakingstevensfan]@XenoBitch people want a nice neat reason where they can give advice or reassure you it will get better. For example, I am really down because my father is ill, or I am really anxious because my child has this symptom and no one is taking it seriously.
But lots of times life is not like that.[/quote]
You deal with situations in your own way. No one can tell you how to feel or how it will go. All anyone can do is give their own personal experience, and try to reassure you.

@XenoBitch but what if it is not a nice explainable situation that can be neatly wrapped up as the reason for how you feel?

Agree - if you are in a bad place, taking about it can reveal your vulnerabilities. And that shouid only be done with people you can trust you will be safe with

So choose confidantes with care, and be reserved with everyone else

[quote shakingstevensfan]@XenoBitch but what if it is not a nice explainable situation that can be neatly wrapped up as the reason for how you feel?[/quote]
Then that maybe a time when you need to seek some more appropriate help. Maybe a counsellor?

@XenoBitch I know why I feel the way I do. I am worn down by life. I have just had too many things to plough on through. And every time things start to look up, something else hits like a truck. But it is not an easy wrapped-up package of explanation. And frankly, I do not think it is unusual to not have one easily explainable reason for why you feel the way you feel.

I'm not even British (ha), and sometimes I find it the best course of action! Sometimes acting okay makes you feel surprisingly much better.

I felt reaaaaalllly stressed and sad this morning. And had to force myself to get on with stuff, but I felt so much better for doing it. I was faking a smile at the start of the afternoon and really smiling by the end of it, and it was such an improvement.

It's important to talk to someone but I wouldn't talk to everyone.
There are certain colleagues who do and people avoid the "hey, How's it going " style questions as they get chapter and verse back. These types of questions are a connection rather than a start to an indepth conversation. If you are struggling or need to share something have your safe people to do this with.
People may be at full capacity with dealing with their own stuff. It's learning to find support in everydayness. When you listen to other conversations or how people present you can start to pick up on the fact others are feeling wobbly or overloaded and that you are not alone in how you feel. But do seek out the people who get it and have the time and space to talk.

No - it doesn't,

A stiff upper lip, being stoic, a rock, has done me no favours. You risk being taken for granted, your concerns dismissed and your own needs placed at the bottom of the pile.

Yes, getting on with stuff because what other choice do you have is an absolutely necessarily at times - but if you don't have at least one close confidant where you can honestly say what's happening without fear of judgement - then it's just another useless phrase on the heap of patriarchal bull crap.

I agree with you OP. I am sure you are NOT talking about every single thing. But there times when it is better to accept that you need to park it and move on. Being stoic when appropriate it underrated.

Certain issues and mental health aside - we have all met those over sharers and emotionally incontinent people who seem stuck. Instead of seeking a quiet professional help they go round and round and all the 'talking/sharing my truth' holds them back.